I hear you’re writing a novel.

I hear you’re writing a novel. Are you trying to be the next Harry Potter?

No. Harry Potter was a character in a novel. It’s my ambition to write one, not appear in one, those are slightly different things. Also, is Harry Potter really the only novel you’ve heard of?

I hear you’re writing a novel. Are you doing that movember thing?

No, that’s growing a moustache. I clearly have a beard already, so no, I’m not doing the movember thing.

I hear you’re writing a novel. Is this your get rich quick scheme?

The average novel sells about 2,000 copies, i.e. less than £2,000 for the author, and given the time it takes to write that works out well below the minimum wage.  Frankly, it’d be quicker to invest a penny in a savings account and wait for the interest to build to £1 million than make my fortune from writing.

I hear you're writing a comedy novel. Go on then, tell us a joke.

You underestimate the length of a comedy novel, by approximately 97,200 words.

I hear you’re writing a novel. I’d love to write, but I don’t have any ideas.

So why are you so keen to write, if there’s nothing you want to write?  Why don’t you do something you actually want to do instead, like bake a cake or play football?

I hear you’re writing a novel. I’d love to write a novel, but I don’t have the time.

Okay, that’s really got me – I work full time and spend four hours every day commuting to work and back. I do all the cooking, spend most of my weekends visiting friends and family, yet I still find time to knock off 100,000 words a year.

I hear you’re writing a novel.

Me? Write a novel? No, you’ve heard wrong, must be someone else.