Mrs Irritant - the old lady from the village who likes to help solve murders (2)
By Terrence Oblong
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There was a buzz of excitement in the police station - the pathologist had found traces of poison in the deceased Mr Pankhurst - it was a murder investigation, their first. Their most exciting case up to this point had been Mrs Johnson's missing tortoise.
"I want you to interview everyone in the village, we need to find out everything we can about the victim, who had the opportunity to kill him and we need to find the motive." Inspector O'Reilly said. "On the face of it Mr Pankhurst was a popular man with no enemies, a local county councilor elected on an ever-increasing majority. Yet his murder was cleverly plotted, the poison was injected in his arm and the mark disguised by cat scratches, we are looking at a ruthless, calculating killer."
The team rushed off after the briefing, keen to solve their first murder. O'Reilly, who was more experienced, knew he was in for a long, hard slog, with lots of false leads and unnecessarily climactic chapter endings.
The first witness he interviewed was Mrs Irritant, who was simply impossible to keep away from the investigation.
"Oh Inspector, I'm so glad you've confirmed it's a murder, I knew it couldn't be death from natural causes, nobody I've ever met dies from natural causes, it's always murder. I suppose you'd like to know who did it?"
"That would be extremely helpful Mrs Irritant, but rather than speculate perhaps it would be better if you told me everything you know about the deceased that might be helpful to the investigation."
"Well his brother owned a chip-shop in Clitheroe and he loved crown green bowling, he's been playing since he was 29, when a motorbike accident forced him to give up football. It was a real shame, he used to charge down the wing and could place a cross on a dinner plate."
"More recently, Mrs Irritant. When did you last speak to him?"
"Oh I've not spoken to him in years. He always use to call me 'that irritating old woman."
O'Reilly interviewed half a dozen more locals, none of them offering much. Mr Pankhurst lived alone, had no obvious enemies and nobody had seen anything suspicious. He called over Sergeant Strangeways, who had been leading the search of the house.
"What have you found?"
"Nothing. No death threats, no love letters, his bank statements show a small amount of savings, nothing worth killing him over, no evidence of any debts."
"What about family?"
"His parents died when he was in his 30s. No other family in his address book or on his phone."
"But he had a brother."
"He does? I'll look into it. What do we know about the brother?"
"He used to own a chip shop in Clitheroe. There was nothing else in his papers?"
"Just council stuff mostly."
"Anything interesting?"
"Most of it was about the new road. You know what it was like getting here, all twisty, windy B roads into the village. The new road would link the village directly to the A road."
"What about opponents to the road. These things are usually controversial."
"Not in this case. Everybody wants the road, it'll save everyone a heap of time, be good for business."
"What about the route, someone's unhappy their house is being knocked down, the village pub being demolished."
No, it's just farmland, nothing of note. Look, I've got a map of the route, I knew you'd ask."
"So the red line is the proposed road. Yeah, that'll be handy, it'd cut twenty minutes of our journey."
"And this is all farmland, the edge of the wood which is council property."
"What's this patch of green at the edge of the village. It passes right through it."
"Oh that's the crown green bowling green."
"But Councilor Pankhurst love crown green bowling. He would never have supported a road going through the bowling green."
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