The problem with bounceouts

"Two bloody bounce-outs in one leg, we gotta do something about these boards," said Reg.

After every league night, the captains and hangers-on stayed behind for a top-up pint and a chance to reflect on the night's games.

"You're just making excuses," said Ned Ned. "You were well beat. Young Eric's getting too good for you since he retired."

"I'm not making excuses. I was on a double, I'd have won that game if half the darts I threw didn't end up on the floor."

"The professionals use the Winnau Supreme Number 5," said Darren, the Leopard's captain. "It's got 13% more bed-space for trebles and doubles than our old-style boards, the wire's are thinner than spider-thread. You'd be unlucky to have one bounce-out in an entire lifetime. We'd all be better players overnight."

"We can't use those," said Ned Ned. "Not if we're thinking of merging with the Bridgetown League, they use Unicorn boards."

"Which is why we need to merge with Townbridge, they use the Winnau boards," said Reg.

"Oh for god's sake," said Rattigan, "We are not joining another league. The Throughfare League is the largest single-location league in the whole county, we'd be betraying everything we stand for. If we remain independent we can buy any board we want, Winnau, Unicorn, Dunlop."

This is how all conversations end, every Friday night at the Throughfare darts club, the same fanatical arguments about merging with other leagues or remaining, always missing the point.

"I think you're all missing the point," I said. "I've seen these Winnau Supreme Number 5 boards in the Argos catalog, they're over sixty quid. We've got less than thirty quid in the club accounts, we're stuck with the Harrows."

"That's typical of you Dave, you always sit on the fence about which league we should join," said Ned Ned.

"Or whether we should remain an independent, traditional club," add Rattigan.

"I'm just saying we can't afford new boards. Why do we always have the same old argument?"

"Because the league can't continue as it is, we're down to five teams, we practically play the same people every week. If we joined the Bridgetown league we'd get to play different people, it'll really stretch us."

"That's easy for you Ned Ned," said Reg. "Your team all live in the south of Throughfare, you could walk to the away games no problem, the rest of us would have to drive, which means no drinking, which means what the hell are we playing darts for if we're not drinking?"

"And your team's all from the north of Throughfare, which is walking distance from Townbridge. No wonder you want to join their league. How are the Happy Go Luckies supposed to get to away games?"

"Bridgetown is a better league though," said Ned Ned. They've got superleague players and even that bloke who made the county team."

"You mean one-eyed Jake?" I said.

"Yeah, that's the guy. Great player him, saw him get back to back 180s once."

"He's not playing any more."

"He's not?"

"No. Lost the other eye. Bounce-out."

"See, that's why we need to use join the Townbridge League," said Reg. "Winnau boards and no bounce-outs."

"You're all missing the point," said Rattigan. "If we don't join another league we won't have ANY away games, we can continue coming here, drinking ourselves senseless. It's Friday night, we shouldn't even be thinking about staying sober. We're darts players."

"We shouldn't drink too much," said Darren, "Not if we're throwing darts around. Remember what happened to one eyed Jake."

"Look," I said, "We've had this conversation a thousand times, but I'll say this again, the only way to save this club isn't merging with another league, whichever league we joined would be too far for half the teams. The only way to save this league is to get new blood."

"How'll you do that Dave? We've not had a new player for, what, must be five years now," said Rattigan.

"I was the last person to join," said Darren. "That was seven years ago."

"I could do a press release, put it the Throughfare Throwaway, you know the free paper. That goes to every house in the village, there's bound to people interested.  And a poster to go up the Co-op, the good thing about a poster is it stays up there for ever."

We didn't put it to a vote, because a vote always end with a stalemate, there was a nodded agreement, mostly achieve because immediately after my suggestion I asked if anyone wanted another pint.  

It was good to finally do something about it. I used to work in the media, well, I sometimes wrote the press releases when I worked at the lizard sanctuary, so I knew what I was doing, how to structure a press release, make the story exciting, interesting, rooted in the local community, and not too long.
I'm also a dab hand at Photoshop, I found a picture of Jocky Wilson pointing a dart at the board, merged it with the Kitchener WW1 poster, and edited the text to say 'Your Darts Club needs you'. Perfect for the Co-op.

I circulated the press release and poster by email, but heard nothing back. Not surprising, most of the club haven't quite mastered online technology. I printed off hard copies and took them along the following Friday.

Nothing was said until after the games were completed, and the captains, and general hangers on, stayed behind for a meeting.

"What were you thinking Dave?" said Ned Ned.

"What's the problem?" I said. "The press release or the poster."

"Both," said Ned Ned. "They say we meet here at the Social Club every Friday night."

"We do," I said. "What did you want them to say, that we meet on the dark side of the moon every other Tuesday?"

"Don't be silly Dave, Ned Ned's got a point for once," said Eric. "There's no point telling people to come here for darts on a Friday night, we won't be here.  The league isn't viable, we're gonna have to merge with a bigger league."

"The whole point of the publicity campaign is to get new blood so that the league can continue. Rattigan, you agree with me at least."

"I agree with continuing the league, but the press release ... it says nothing about the history and heritage of the club. Like the fact that it was founded in 1908 by Brian Penny, who was the local Mayor and butcher, and that every single player in the league was killed in World War 1, hence an eleven year period when there weren't any matches. It doesn't even mentioned the letter the club received by Prince Michael of Kent."

"It's a press release, not a history book."

"Still, I can't support this. I don't see the point of publicity, no-one will come."

"Well how are we going to save the club?"

"We should make attendance compulsory."

"Compulsory? You can't force people to go and play darts on a Friday night."

"He's right, said Darren. "We've only got two boards, you'd never get a game if we did that."

"Yeah, and think of the queue at the bar," said Ned Ned.

"Darren, please tell me that you like the press release and poster. I mean, you don't care whether or not we join another league."

"The press release is okay I suppose, I don't really read papers. But the poster's ridiculous. Who's the fat bloke? Why don't you use a darts player, the poster'd work then."

"It IS a darts player. It's Jocky Wilson."

"Never heard of him. You gotta use someone in the top 150 seeds."

"He was one of the best players in the world in the 80s."

"Bloody hell, the 80s, I'm surprised you didn't use Maggie Thatcher or the Thomson Twins. Nobody know's who the fat bloke is, you want to use Phil Taylor, or Van Gerwen."

"Who are also fat blokes, in case you haven't noticed."

"Yeah, but contemporary, recognisable, portly darts professionals you can see every week on the telly. Using pictures of players from the 80s, you just make the club look ridiculous, like we're all a bunch of old geezers."

"We are a bunch of old geezers."

"So it's unanimous," said Reg. "The poster's rubbish and we can't use the press release."

I made changes to both and brought them to next Friday's game, but whatever I changed I could never please the majority. Every week the captains and hangers on squabbled about merging with a bigger league, but nothing was ever agreed. The league's numbers had been declining for years, so a crisis was inevitable. As it happened, it was a double crisis. 

"It's Monkey Ferris," said Ned Ned. "He's had a heart attack. He was rushed to hospital Monday night."

"Is he all right?" I said.

"Oh, the doctors say he should be okay now, but they've said he has to give up drinking, so he's left the team. The Happy Go Lucky's are a player short."

"Three in a Bed are a man short as well," said Reg. "Simple Simon's been arrested for stealing pies from the Pieman. They reckon he'll face at least five years in prison."

"Well that's it then," I said. "We can't continue the league with just three teams. Even if the Happy Go Luckies and Three In A Bed merged we'd only have four teams."

"We wouldn't merge with the Happy Go Luckies," said Reg. "We'd have six players in the team, can you imagine the arguments about who gets dropped."

"So we really do have to merge with one of the bigger leagues," I said. "I don't mind which one, I'll back the majority."

"It's clearly Townbridge," said Reg.

"You mean Bridgetown," said Ned Ned.

"I'm not merging with anyone," said Rattigan. "This league's been here for over a century, even during the war when all the players were dead. If we can survive that we can survive anything."

"What about you Darren, you're the casting vote, which of the leagues do you think we should merge with."

"I'm not really keen to join another league. I've been playing online, you know, using the soft-tip electronic darts and a skype feed. It means I get to play anyone I want, anywhere in the world at any time. I can't be bothered with traipsing round the outskirts of Townbridge or Bridgetown looking for the elusive Black Horse or Notcher's Crown."

"Well I don't mind joining the Happy Go Luckies if you want to put a team into the Bridgetown League Ned Ned," I said.

"That's no help, the Bridgetown League's six players a team, we still wouldn't have enough."

"Same with the Townbridge League," said Reg.

"My grandson's keen on darts," said Rattigan. He'll be ready for the league in a few years."

"How old is he?"

"Eleven."

"So's my grandson," said Ned Ned, "Six years time they'll both be old enough to join."

"And Simple Simon'll be out by then," said Reg. "We can have a break for five or six years and reform the league. Six years is nothing, we've survived an eleven year break before now."

"Are we all agreed?" said Ned Ned.

Four hands shot in the air. Reluctantly mine joined them. It was a ridiculous idea, most of the players were in their 60s or 70s, there's no saying how many of them would be able to play in five years time. But this would be the first time the captains in the Throughfare League had all agreed on a motion. I wasn't going to be the one captain to vote against, you can't fight against the tide of history.