Sir Kier Starmer Superhero – Sir Kier and the climate emergency

“Oh no, we’re doomed.”

“The planet is overheating.”

“The ice caps are melting causing floods, and the intense heat is causing crop failure, famine, global extinctions and the end of civilization as we know it.”

“If we don’t do something soon we’re all going to die.”

Enter stage left, a superhero in a cape

“Is it a bird? Is it a plane?”

“No, it’s a tediously nasal-sounding middle-aged white man in a cape.”

“Never fear, Sir Kier is here,” says Sir Kier, for it is he.

“Sir Kier, thank goodness you’re here.”

“It’s the climate, Sir Kier. The planet is overheating.”

“Never fear, registered elector, Sir Kier will fix it. If we stop burning fossil fuels, and invest in green energy instead, the rise in global temperature can be averted. My £28 billion per year green investment plan will stop the planet overheating.”

“Oh Sir Kier, you’re my hero.”

“Thank you, Sir Kier, you saved the world.”

“It’s all in a day’s work for Sir Kier Starmer. Now, just sign here.”

“What is it?”

“You’re voting for me to be your official superhero for a five year term.”

The electorate joyously vote for Sir Kier

Enter, from extreme right, Lord Dingoson

“I have come straight from your new MPs, Sir Kier. They have voted for your Bill, just as we planned.”

“Good.”

“They are very obedient, they didn’t change so much as a word. They passed everything I asked them to. The fossil fuel firms are very grateful, they have made a generous donation to party funds.”

“Excellent.”

“What is this legislation. The green energy investment you promised us?”

“Alas, no. It would be reckless to spend freely when the planet is facing an economic crisis caused by the climate emergency. This is the Don’t Mention the Climate Bill, it bans any public discussion of the climate crisis and bans the right to protest, write about or even think about doing something about it.

Lord Dingoson interjects in a sinister manner

“I’m going to have to ask you to start this story again. This time, without any mention of the climate emergency, otherwise you will be in contravention of the Act and consequently will forfeit your right to life.

The story starts again. This time, in a form that does not contravene the Don’t Mention the Climate Act.

“There is weather outside.”

“There is always weather outside.”

“This is true. It would be foolish to express any opinion about the fact.”

Enter stage left, a superhero in a cape

“Is it a bird? Is it a plane?”

“No, it’s a tediously nasal-sounding middle-aged white man in a cape.”

“Never fear, Sir Kier is here.”