The Tomb of One Direction – The Elephant

When Eric died he didn’t arrive at the Pearly Gates as he’d expected, nor even the River Styx, where he would await his free ferry ride. He found himself instead standing in a dark tomb, greeted by a man in a suit, who was sitting behind a desk, upon which sat a duck.

 

“Name?” the man in the suit asked, rather brashly.

 

“Eric Braithwaite. Am I dead? Only this doesn’t look like heaven.”

 

“Of course it isn’t heaven,” the man said, “it is the Tomb of One Direction.”

 

“The Tomb of One Direction?”

 

“Those passing through here may only go one way. You must pass through here on the way to heaven. It really is quite self-explanatory.”

 

“And what does the duck do?”

 

“That is the Duck of Death. He greets you and makes you aware that your mortal life has ended.”

 

“Quack.”

 

“I see. And what happens now.”

 

“The Cat of One Direction will lead you to Heaven’s Gate.”

 

“Hello kitty. Quite a menagerie you have here. And who’s that bloke dancing.”

 

“That is the Emperor of Two Left Feet.”

 

“I see. This isn’t remotely what I expected. I was expecting St Peter to greet me and welcome me, not a comedy dancer and his pet duck.”

“If you’ve quite finished. I have a million souls to process today.”

 

Eric followed the cat to Heaven’s Gate, but there was a problem, and he shortly returned to the desk.

 

The Keeper of the List of the Dead looked up. “What is it?” he said. “Why have you not moved on, this is not a waiting room you know.”

 

“There’s an elephant in the way.”

 

“An elephant? Are you mad.” Without words being spoken a second man appeared suddenly in the tomb. He too carried a clipboard and paper and wore a banal business suit.

 

“Can I help?” he asked Eric.

“There’s an elephant in the way.”

 

“An elephant? We have a duck and a cat, but no elephant.”

 

“Well it looks like an elephant to me. I can tell an elephant from a duck you know.”

 

The Director of Lifespans followed Eric to Heaven’s Gate. There, sure enough, blocking all possible entrance to Heaven’s Gate, and therefore all possible entrance to heaven, was the rear end of an elephant. The entire passage to heaven was blocked, no matter how much Eric and the Director tried, no way was to be found passed the enormous beast, there was barely room for a cigarette paper.

 

A third man appeared, slightly older than the others, but suited none the less. Those who know their legends would recognise the Commune Chief of the Tomb Gate. “What is it this time?” he asked, but, upon seeing the elephant soon realised. “How did that get there?”

 

“Nobody knows,” The Director answered. “The bigger issue is how do we get rid of it?”

 

“We could try luring it out with food,” The Commune Chief suggested.

 

“Rubbish,” said Eric, “it’s the elephant’s arse that’s confronting us. You can’t lure an elephant’s arse.”

“Besides,” The Director added, “we hardly want the elephant in here. There’s no room for it. We don’t’ want an elephant trapped in here for eternity.”

 

“Oh dear,” the Commune Chief declared, “I am going to have to send for the Earl of the Tomb. And he so hates being disturbed, he’s such a busy man.”

“Not necessarily,” said the emperor, who had stopped dancing and come over to see what all the fuss was about. “It seems to me the solution is quite simple.”

 

“Well what do you suggest?” asked the Commune Chief.

 

“I was an emperor sir, an emperor for fifty years, and I have dealt with many problems far more complex than this. The elephant must simply be pushed out of the way.”

“Push the elephant. But it weights several tons, and that is no mere gate, it a long corridor, a heck of a way to have to push an elephant.”

 

“You forget, I have passed through that corridor and made the journey to heaven. It is over a mile long. I had taken that into account.”

 

“You want us to push an elephant for a mile?”

 

“Not us, no. But all you need to push and elephant is sufficient numbers.”

“Well, you’d need hundreds, thousands of people to push an elephant a mile.”

 

“A million souls pass this way every day, the dead are already lining up outside. Bring them in let them be the solution to our problem.”

 

And so it came to pass that if you should happen to die today you will find that the path to heaven is a bit shittier than you might have anticipated, and getting there can only be achieved by pushing an elephant for a mile, but this is a small price to pay for the rewards that await you on the other side. Simply don your wellies, roll up your sleeves and add your strength to the force of the many.