Personal Hell

Okay, so I'm sitting at this red light, and it's about two-thirty in
the afternoon, and there's this old woman in the car beside me. I mean
she's real old. Like old as dirt. I'm telling you this bitch was alive
in the dark ages. And she's driving this old piece of shit Buick with
rust all over it, and it's just a real sorry lookin' car. Now I'm here
in my new Chevy Cavalier, and it's a pretty nice car, and I look over
and see this old woman just sitting there looking straight ahead, both
hands on the wheel. She's got on this stupid fuckin' flower print dress
and this dumb ass hat with a veil on it and she pretty much looks like
she just walked of the set of "Driving Miss Daisy."

So I look up and see the light in the cross street just turned yellow,
so I'm getting' ready to get outta here. I look over again and this old
lady's starrin' right at me, and she's got this real wicked fuckin'
grin on her face, and then she takes her right hand off the wheel and
she flips me off then she sticks her fuckin' tongue out at me and
starts laughing. Then she slams on the gas and peels out. So I'm just
sittin' here now and the light's green and all but I'm kind of confused
about what just happened. The asshole behind starts blowin' his fuckin'
horn and I take off.

Now I was headed for the movie theater before all this happened and I
decide to go there anyway and just forget the whole damn thing. So I
start lookin' for a parking space and the only open space I can find is
right next to this old Buick that's the spittin' fuckin' image of that
old bitch's car. But there aren't any other spots so I park here
anyway.

So as I'm getting' out of my car I look over, and there she is, and
she has the nerve to say something to me.

"Why don't you just park on top of my car? You stupid ass!"

Then she flips me off again and goes waddling into the theater. Now
I'm starting to get really pissed off at this point, and I almost go
home, but I was supposed to meet my wife here, so I go in anyway. My
car wasn't anywhere near that stupid bitch's anyway.

I go on into the theater and meet my wife inside, and I'm tryin' to be
extra nice to her cause our marriage is a little rocky, if you get my
drift, but I'm havin' a really hard time cause I'm so pissed off at
that old bitch.

So I offer to buy some popcorn for us, if she goes ahead in and finds
us a couple of seats. She gives me a little half smile and goes to find
a seat.

After I get the popcorn and head into the theater, I see it's real
fuckin' crowded. So I find my wife and go sit next to her, it was
actually about the only open seat in the damn theater. So I sit down
and offer my wife some popcorn, and I look over and that old bitch is
starring right at me and she just takes my whole damn tub of popcorn
like its hers or something, like she figured I just bought the whole
thing for her.

Now I can't beat up an old woman in a public theater, and this is
about the last straw for me and this lady, so I just get up and walk
out. My wife just gives me this wicked stare that says, "What the hell
are you doing?" So she gets up and follows me out.

When we're both outside, I look at her and tell her how I feel about
everything that's happened so far today and how the popcorn thing just
did it for me, and my wife has the nerve to say that I should feel
lucky that any old women would pay any attention to me at all. As if to
say that women don't find me attractive or interesting, and that this
old bitch is the closest thing to a woman that's interested in me. Now
if the popcorn thing wasn't the final straw then this is. So I tell my
wife to just go on home and I'll be there when I'm done picking up
young, beautiful women that can appreciate me.

My wife just gives me this black stare and then she tells me to pick
up some groceries when I'm done, and she hands me this list.

About the time I get back to my car, I see the old bitch getting into
hers. She glances over in my direction, and I flip her off before she
can beat me too it. She just turns around and climbs into her piece of
shit car and peals out of the parking lot.

So I drive around for a while and finally decide to head home and try
to patch things up with my wife. I walk into my bedroom and as I pass
by the mirror I notice I look a lot older than I used to. I gave up all
hope of patching things up with her when the first words out of that
old bitch's mouth are, "Where are the fucking groceries you dumbass?"
I'm gonna' tie her up, throw her in the Buick, and burn it.