Singles Ads I'd Like To See (an excerpt from my book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

Sometimes I'll rummage through the singles ads, because some of them are rather hilarious. I read through some of these and I have to wonder, "Is this part of a joke, a dare or are they serious?" So, I'd like to have some fun in making up singles ads.

Politician
"I like long walks on the beach, telling people what they want to hear without actually meaning what I say, going both ways (in every way) and promising the impossible. Call me to make a donation to my campaign, I mean, to make all of your dreams come true!"

Stoner
"Dude, I so want to date right now. Wow. I mean... You know? Anyway, I like long walks on the beach, eating lots of snacks, watching 'Half-Baked' and listening to Pink Floyd. Oh and I like to smoke weed. Far out, man. Call me if you want to get high, go to jail and stuff. Peace."

Mime
"!!!!!"

Dick Cheney
"What do you want? Do you want me? Well, fine then, come and get me! Yeah, I like long walks on the beach, shooting friends in the face and doing all I can to be nicknamed Darth Vader. Call me if you want to wind up seeing a shrink for the rest of your life or if you want to apologize to me on national television because you got in my way during pheasant hunting. Argh!"

Bill Clinton
"Hey baby. How's it going? Yeah, come here. You and I both know I know what I'm doing when it comes to the ladies. I've bit my lip long enough. Let me help you to bite yours. Call me if you want to play with my saxophone and make sweet music. Oh and I like long walks on the beach."

George W. Bush
"Yeah, uh, so... Um... I like long walks on the beach and... Well... Anyway... If you want a man who's not going to misunderestimate you, who will supply you with the finest coke in Texas and who will make you feel smart every time you talk to him, then I'm your guy! Call me and like an OBGYN, let me practice my love with a woman such as yourself!"

Psychologist
"I'm not here to talk about me. Let's talk about you. How do you feel? What do you want from a man and from a relationship? Do you like long walks on the beach? I know I do. How about 'The Notebook'? Country music? George Clooney? Pole dancing? Well, if you want to feel constantly analyzed, to be asked more questions than a child would ask and always wonder if you're being judged, then I think we could have something special together. Call me and while we build a strong relationship, we can find out what all is wrong with you."

Doctor
"Hey. I may not be much to look at, but I do make a lot of money. I don't like to do much, but I do like long walks on the beach. If you want a man willing to poke and prod, to use all his tools to make you feel better, you may want to give me a call."

Model
"I don't have much to say. I like long walks on the beach and I'm hot. Call me."

Head Football Coach
"I don't know about the guys you've been with previously and what kind of effort they gave in making the relationship work, but let me tell you something about me. I give 110%! That's all I know how to do! I like to bark, scream, speak in clichés, take long walks on the beach and punish people for not doing what they're told! If you like a my-way-or-the-highway kind of guy, whom will protect you from anyone holding a camera or microphone, call me and I'll stay up all night to study your playbook until I master it!"

Valley Girl
"So, like, I'm like, for sure, you know? Like... I mean, totally! I like just so want to meet a guy like right like now. Like... I mean, I like think I have like a lot to offer and stuff. I like like long walks on the beach and like talking about stuff and I mean, I like totally like to do other stuff, you know? Anyway, like call me if you like want to like do some stuff."

Glenn Beck
"Now, let's think about this. ::busts out the chalkboard:: Okay, now see this dot over here? That's me. See this one way over here? That's you. See that third dot? That's another woman. See that 4th, 5th and 6th dot? Those are three more women. See the link? Do you see what could happen? It'd be the greatest event in the history of man! So, call me and while we will do plenty of walking on the beach and long walks at that, let's have a little fun with four other women and fulfill our magical fate. Oh, and Democrats are Nazi Socialist Commies."

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site:

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz