A Document in Madness

'A Document in Madness'

This is where we keep the better known cases,
You'll recognise one or two familiar faces,
Seems such a shame to cure them, the way they entertain us.
I've filled many a shelf with reports on this lot,
See how many sicknesses you can spot,
Maybe you'll see a couple you've already got.

1

Here's our actor friend, knocking knees and dirty socks
Been up to his antics again, haven't you? A tragedy really,
Depression, runs in the family, like incest and ghosts.
Talks to his Dad, Danish, dead. Look, his tongue, like
A chameleon - thought you said we'd poisoned the air?
Well, if you can't decide what's wrong with you, what are we
Supposed to do? Until he makes up his mind,
He's going nowhere.
Book him in for therapy, nurse.

2

Next, his ladyfriend, so we call her - don't we, eh?
Ever so sweet, this one. Lost her Dad too, killed, she reckons,
Though she won't say who. She gives us flowers,
Sometimes sings, usually about suicide, she's from
Sweden, or somewhere, you might know. We laugh and say she'll
Meet up with next door and raise great Danes.
D'you get it? Our little joke, isn't it, dear?
Off she goes again with her tears.
Better get her Thorazine, nurse.

3

Got a real toff here, proper stroppy, bit snobby, aren't you?
No, he won't talk to us, we're not in his class,
He won't perform to strangers. Came down from Derbyshire,
Looking for a lady in London, aren't they always?
Goes on about eyes, watching him all the time.
If he could get out more, he'd be fine. Polite, mind.
We looked in a book, decided on Social Anxiety Disorder.
Seroxat, please nurse, should loosen his tongue.

4

This lady, quite a character, aren't we?
Should say characters, schizophrenic pyromaniac, fatal mix.
Yes, one day Jamaican, one day English,
Sees spooks and spirits, she'll be haunting herself next.
Still, you know what they say, heiress today, gone tomorrow.
Ought to be more grateful, you'd be in the attic
In the olden days. Husband brought her in.
Nurse, Lithium.

5

Oh, sad case here, the war, shellshock they called it.
You see dead people, don't you dear? Tried to escape once,
Got his head stuck in the railings, said the shrubs sung songs in
Greek.
Only pulled himself together when his doctor got struck off.
Oh, listen! If it's not hats, it's brollies, if not brollies,
bananas,
Loves his mashed bananas, this one. Yes, the world's going
To burst into flames, yes. Wife's Italian.
Occupational therapy for our basket case, nurse.

6

Two Americans now, it's all the rage over there.
Laddo here, ran away from school. Told us his life story,
Then tells the others, "Don't say a thing to the docs,
That's how they get you!" Your sister phoned, she said hello; no
I'm not a phoney, honestly! He won't believe a word we tell him,
Won't even see his father.
Never mind "this crummy place"; apply yourself, that's all.
Pop two Largactil in his Coke, nurse.

7

Ah, little Miss Sparky, quite the fan of the ECT,
Aren't we? Suffers from the Great American Dream. Number four
Could set her alight and they'd both toast their marshmellows.
Admitted in the heatwave, the eye of the storm. Likes the lightning
now!
Accident prone. Broke her leg. When she can sleep,
She dreams of being a waitress.
Wakes up to start again on her memoirs.
Mellaril will put a stop to that, nurse.

8

Tour's over, she was the last; well, not quite the last,
If you'll step in here. You're displaying symptoms of Wurtzel's
Syndrome:
Ink on the brain, glints in the eyes, a nasty nervous stutter,
Classic signs. Exploitation, that is, you should be ashamed.
We'll give you something to be depressed about.
Keep him under observation, nurse.
Let the others out.