Grace Part Sixteen.

Not  until you experience, something devastating, like Vaginismus, do you realize what horrors are there in the World. I actually said to the doctor, “Is it possible I can have an operation, so that parts of my vagina can cut out so that we can consummate our marriage.” The doctor replied, “You have to do pelvic floor exercise, many, many times a day, you have to relax, for it is all in the mind.” I WAS disappointed and I know it was extreme, but what else could I do? 

The only book we’d found in the huge library, about the subject had given good advice and infomation, the Author had said, “Mothers and Mothers-in-Laws do not believe, that Vaginismus exist, “They are your worst enemy.” I was grateful my Mother-in-Law had past away four months before we got married, for she would have been living with us! My Mum, just like the book said, didn’t believe, such nonsense, she’d been a Nurse all my life and had never heard of it, so therefore there was no such thing.

Millions of Women around the World have had it. No one talks about it! The shame that is attached to it, the stigma, the taboo, Men do not talk about it if it is their wife that has it, and Women feel SO alone, can’t even tell their best friends. Most of the Women who have it, don’t know what its called. I was now in a world, where I couldn’t never just have a wee, I had to have a wee and stop, hold then have a wee, stop ...... and hold, I had to do this to exercise the vagina muscle, even if I was bursting! 

We have all seen the Husband who have cheated on his Wife, famous people and the Woman saying, “I will stand by him.” While everyone calls her a fool, for staying, or she is just staying for his money.” One day I thought, what happens, if she has vaginismus? Then it would all make sense! But we know, some have flaunt their affairs, not hiding it from their wife or girlfriend, and some of them seem to accept it. This is just my view, that I thought when I was going through the mill!!!

Now Men who can’t have sex because they can’t get an erection, that too is a taboo, but it is to a small degree talked about and more so even now, but you will never hear of Vaginismus been discussed on day time television, This Morning or Loose Women! Women have had it before I was born, lived and died and Women will have it when I’m dead and gone, it’s nothing new. Mothers-in-Laws will still say in the future, “There is no such thing!” Mothers will say the same.

Women need to be educated, be made  aware, some Women have it all their sexual lives,  never ever able to have sex, some have Vaginismus for a very short period of time, due to stress, be it an exam, or after they have been raped, or any sexual abuse. This is me, doing my bit. How many people here reading this has ever heard the words and knew what it meant? I certainly didn’t nor did Paul. I didn’t know how my s tory was going to end. For nothing seem to work. I’d tried cannabis, diazepam, alcohol, massage, pelvic floor exercise, taking ages to have a wee, holding and stopping, the horrible, thin glass tubes, prayer and had even asked for my vagina to be cut open so there would be easy access!!!!  

Mum told me, “Love your Husband,” I told Mum, “I do, or I wouldn’t have married him.” I tried to talk about the abuse, Mum didn’t want me to, as with most families, they hush it up, I felt I was on the edge of insanity! I knew some abused victims, didn’t make it, some commit suicide, go insane, go off the rails and end up in jail or prostitution, the Minister who married us said to me, when he’d heard what had happened, “It’s amazing you don’t hate all Men and became a lesbian!” Some indeed have changed to same sex relationships due too the abuse they went through.

Me, I had one desperate, final prayer, for the counsellors wanted me to take Uncle to court and one  of my closest friends wanted me to go to court too, Mum wanted me to be quiet, I said to Mum one day on the phone in a whisper, tears pouring down my face, “I feel like a priceless vase, fragile I am more important that him (Uncle),” for Mum seem to love her Sister’s welfare more than mine. I also felt I was sinking, I said to someone, “Only my nose is above water, when the water covers my nose, I’ll be no more. I refused to kill myself, if I did that, Uncle wins!

I had one Prayer left! I Prayed to the God of Heaven, “Please send me someone who will speak on my behalf.” My fight was over I couldn’t carry on any longer. I’d been married almost two difficult years.