By Tom Brown
- 374 reads
The Lone Ranger got off his horse to do a quick Nr.1 and got bitten by a snake right on the pecker. "Tronto! Find a doctor!" at which his sidekick galloped away. The doctor did have advice. He explained a procedure by which the venom may be extracted by an incision joining the snake bite fangs' marks and physically sucking out the infected blood.
With Tronto galloping back the Lone Ranger shouted "What did the doctor say Tronto!?"
"He said you're Gonna Die!"
Situation? What situation?
A missionary fell in the hands of a savage tribe of amazon indians in a deep tropical forest. He was put into a huge cauldron cannibals danced around it boiling over flames and smoke. Angry for him grinning so the chief demanded why, the missionary answered "I'm peeing in your pot!"
Epitaph for an English soldier "He didn't keep his head down".
Three sea Captains bragging and arguing on a sail-ship about what nation's crew are the bravest decided to have a competition.
“Tommy!” “Yes Sir!” 'Climb the foremast! ' “God save the Queen!” and carried off on a stretcher both legs broken. Wiping a tear from his eye said his Captain, 'Any one of my men would give his life for Britain at the drop of a hat. '
“Manfred!” 'The crow's nest! ' “Jawohl Kapitan!” 'Springen Sie sogleich! ' “Sich Heil!”
Standing looking at his fallen comrade fondly and proudly, 'Deutschland über Alles.'
“Koos!” “Nkosi!“ 'Climb the main mast! The mast-head! ' “JUMP” “Bugger You! Jou Moer!”
The SA Captain wringing his hands eyes beaming “Now THAT is what I call Guts!!”
When Ted got back from the factory he found his wife on the sofa in a very nervous state. “What’s for dinner love?” “Ted. I’ve got news.” “Hell that sounds bad.” “I was at the doctor – you know...”
“And??” “I’m three months!” “Hell and now?” There was a knock at the door Ted opened. A man in overalls with a clipboard. “You’re due!!” “How the hell do YOU know?!” “It says so, right on this paper.” “And what are you going to do about it??” “I’m going to cut you off!” “And my wife?” “She can use a candle for the meantime!”
After unpacking at the hotel the sisters went for a first stroll in California, in pitch black and crisp white. Sister Sarah J. was to deliver a paper “The abominable practice of abortion”. Sister Sonja was to present “Are contraceptives Ok?”
Sister Sonja spotted it first: A hotdog stand!! Should we? No really we mustn’t. Yes, but it does look good?! Maybe? Just one? Small one? Having heard so much of “hotdogs” secretly each had relished for this moment.
No sooner said than done. Sister Sarah J. took two- one for the road. Strolling along she dreamingly admired a hunk walking past in a Speedo. Sister Sonja couldn’t resist and she peeked inside. She broke out giggling hysterically blushing redder than her freckles: What part of the dog did you get?!
Demonstrating a new interpreting machine a function was held but no-one understood Russian. One bright spark suggested translating a sentence into Russian, and then back into English. No sooner said than done "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" came back "The vodca was good but the meat lousy".
Statistics is a good thing because the school of maths proved that when a man emigrates from England to America the average IQ of both countries increase.
There was a damsel from Thrace
Whose corset no longer would lace
Her mother said Nelly
There's more in you belly
Than ever when in through your face!
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