A Seasonal Request

A Seasonal Request

Now I've tried all the normal approaches
All the pick-ups an' chat-ups an' stuff
Tried mi hand at so-phistication
Wi' some girls who were nowt if not rough
I've been seen down the discos an' dances
Bought cocktails for them as were broke
In mi quest for the perfect companion
Who'd see me as her perfect bloke.

I've dealt with the best datin' agents
I've filled in their forms an' told lies
About how I'm just like a male model
Wi' tight buttocks an' sparklin' blue eyes
I've squandered mi wages on chatlines
Spent two quid a minute on t' phone
Where I've ended up gaggin' for Charleen
Even though she weighs thirty-two stone.

I've frequented bars down the dockside
Where there's ladies that's best left alone
An' I've offered mi body quite freely
But I've allus walked home on mi own
So just cos it's comin' up Christmas
An' I've no soddin' prospects in store
I'm wazzin' this e-mail to Lapland dot com
An' I'm hopin' that this time I'll score.

Dear Santa, please bring me a woman
Fer some fun in mi fifty-third year
Let's forget all the monogrammed hankies
All the socks an' the chocs an' the beer
You could leave me a fun-lovin' floozie
Or a perfectly sweet English rose
An' what could be quite stonkin' is a lass who loves bonkin'
Now I really would like one o' those.

Please bring a voluptuous woman
A partner, a pal an' a mate
I can take for a romp in the boudoir
Wi'out havin' the need to inflate
Perhaps I should spare you the detail
But a session's got nowt to enthral
When your off up to bed wi' a bike pump
An' a puncture repair kit an' all.

Please bring me a home-lovin' woman
Cos I've brushed-up mi cookin' technique
No Spam, egg an' chips like mi mam does
But dishes that's sexy an' chic
We'll have seafood an' hot, sticky puddin'
Drink wine 'til we're Mozart an' Liszt
Then I'll make several filthy suggestions
Till she finds one she just can't resist.

Please bring me an underwear woman
A lingerie kind of a dame
Who loves to wear silky suspenders
An' doesn't mind me doin' t' same
We can twang at each others elastics
Then I'll climb up the cupboards (top shelf)
Where I'll fling off mi big, baggy Y-Fronts
An' dive in, like the Devil himself.

Please bring me a kind, carin' woman
Cos I know I've gone well past mi prime
But I'm sure I can still do the business
If I just take mi tablets on time
I won't pester no more, that's a promise
You won't hear me again, not one squeak
So Santa, please bring me a woman
An' a fresh one each night of the week.