Broken up

Last night we broke up.
And I exhaled for the first time in a long time.
I should have been sad
But instead of sadness
I felt an abscence of burden
A lack of responsibility
and the desire to travel around the world on a boat.
I was sailing
On a sea of disappointment.
single
the prospect of summer weddings attended on ones own.
Urghhhh....

"You deserve the very best he told me"
"your my soulmate, and I want you to be happy even if it's not with me".
I knew he meant it
but his inherent goodness
hurt more than anger.
It was a reminder of what I had lost
What I had let go
What I had given away.
Except I didn't feel the emptiness
That I had come to associate with a break up.
The neurosis
self deprecation
self abuse.
Maybe it's because I still love him
Not a passionate
hair pulling love
But a love that will abide for all time
and take its shirt of its back
A real love.
What have I done.
The right thing.
I know it's right
but my ego tells me it's wrong
He stroked my ego.
Who will do this for me now
who will show me they love me with their silent words, observant eyes and jealous outbursts.
"You'll find someone he says"
I know he's right
even though it doesn't feel like it.
Single again
with my broken up lover
who's now my friend.