Hairy Hero Introduction

Sleeping like a big fat bug in a small single rug is Trevor, snoring to his hearts content as he dreams his way through another nights sleep. Edging closer to his mid 40’s with his ever-expanding midriff, this human wheelie bin sleeps alone crammed into a single bed. His balding head nestles into a big white marshmallow pillow. Four wavy strands of hair lay quietly outstretched on this luxury pillow. Resting after a busy day trying to cover the large white baron area known as the top of his head.

His large wobbly chest moves up and down as he breathes in and out in an enchanted rhythmical manner. His nose and mouth play with the musty air in his bedroom, recycling the dust and odours through his hairy double-barrelled vacuum cleaner. His mouth discharges a selection of smells from his pink blotchy gummy cave and his yellow tipped nashers. The leftover rotting food rattles between his teeth as the stale air accelerates through his vibrating lips.

Trevor’s large belly sits proud under the desperately tight quilt. Laden with layers of blubber that could keep several whales warm in the cold Artic winters. The under pressure bulbous belly moves up and down ever so slightly as it struggles to move in time with his chest. His belly rests after a hard day of completing the rigorous digest-a-thon force fed from Trevor’s mouth. Its work is done, another day shift completed as it now pushes the digested culinary concoction to the faeces factory for a night shift of intense labour preparing for the pool party first thing in the morning. His hands instinctively clutch the white sheet that folds over the top of his quilt. It holds on to it tightly, holding in the poisoned putts of polluted gases that escape from his large hairy bottom during a musical medley that serenades him through the night.

Poking out from the bottom of the bed are his two small-socked feet. An aggressive stench fights its way through the threadbare socks. It lingers near the edge of the bed before swirling up into the room. A small round yellow stain is etched in to the pure white ceiling. The stench kills any living insect, flea and flying foe that wanders into its path. Hairy’s are known to wait beneath the feared feet, feeding off those that die a smelly death. This is easy pickings for a hungry Hairy, although often the radioactive poisons the supply them with the midnight feast is too much for a hairy belly. Food poisoning is a consent threat, death is only a swallow away.

Attached to the wall behind his bed and a metre above his chubby ole face is a wooden shelf. At one end of the shelf is a picture of Trevor’s pet dog, a Jack Rustle terrier called Spotty. Named Spotty due to his small brown patches that covers her ears and head. At the other end of the shelf is a small blue vase with 4 plastic flowers in them. Each green stem holds host to an array of yellow petals and an even healthy layer of dust.

Every night as Trevor sleeps, a band of Hairy Heroes queue up along the shelf. Ready and waiting to take their turn to lower them self into his mouth to retrieve the scraps of food. Blissfully unaware of the Hairy raids Trevor snores and coughs as his cave of culinary delights is visited. There is usually plenty to pick at, various gastronomic pleasures left stranded between his teeth after a full and active day of eating everything and anything that was too slow to move out of arms reach.
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Organising this free fall of hairy food snatchers is Captain Kelly. A proud and mysterious huntsman Spider that was born and raised in the cold and cluttered town of Hatstand Ridge. After a long and distinguished career in the Harmy, Hairy Army, Kelly was ordered to leave under mysterious circumstances. Despite this devastating rejection he vowed to keep his Harmy traditions and practice. He roams the length and breadth of the Shire, a lonely Hairy, destitute and humble. His aim was simple, it was to recruit and train as many Hairy’s as possible. He mission was to form his own private Harmy. These Hairy’s would undertake vigorous training and take on the most dangerous challenge offered to a spider. They would also hold a title worthy of the challenge and of their leader, they would become one of Kellys Hairy Heroes.

Kelly’s heroes are an odd eclectic bunch of renegade spiders, recruited from far and wide and from all walks of society. Some are ex military recruited after being mercilessly thrown out of the Harmy for being freaks, geeks and layabout cheats. Some are ex cons, spiders that have spent years completing hard labour for crimes against hairy society. After years digging new roads in the ‘web gang’ some find there way to Kelly, where they are trained as hairy hunter gatherers.

Each new recruit to the Hairy Heroes spends months in ‘8 booted camp’ where they are put through their paces. They learn to free web fall, abseil, parachute from the gutters around a three-story house, and eight legged combat and multiple kick boxing. In the name of fitness and to ensure his recruits are in tiptop shape, each completes the infamous ‘a salt’ course. Spiders carry a large piece of rock salt over a gruelling course that takes them to various counties in the Shire. They run the course taking on obstacles and treacherous conditions, risking life and hairy limb in order to be Hairy Hero.

At his peak in the Harmy Kelly had ‘been there and done that’, now is role was more personal; he wanted to help those without become those with.
So by training his recruits to become a Hairy Hero, they were able to run the gauntlet and feed off the highest quality of foods offered to hairy’s. He strives to bring pride; respect and honour to a hairy, by helping them become a ‘Hero’.

Kelly stands on the edge of the shelf with his clip board in his hairy hand, marshalling his Hairy Heroes. One by one the Hairy Heroes take it in turn to lower them selves into Trevor’s mouth. The prize will be some half chewed piece of meat, maybe some julienne vegetables or some apple pie, washed down with a sip of Saliva Spermanti 2011. The risk is high; the highest there is, for death was only a bite or swallow away. One slip of a hairy foot, and our hero would ride the ‘Acid Slide’ all the way to the ‘Pool of no Return’ in Trevor’s belly.

Each hairy hero has a story, each has a background and a reason for being with Kelly, and their story will be told as they make their own descent into Hairy history as a Hairy Hero.