The puzzle of a clean conscience.

By willowtree

Mon, 24 Mar 2008
  • 715 reads
1 comments
 

I am so sorry.Not sad but sorry.I can say that my conscience is clean, can you? I may have been bad and may be again. Yet no. Why should I? What I need is a couple of beers to wash the film away.My imagination is alone.That makes it all a bit complicated because 60 million thoughts, the imaginary are driving me from my senses day and night.I seem to plan things in my imagination.Do you,too? I suppose that is what imagination is all about. You see happiness is a part of my imagination.Not a daily experience. I do have someone to imagine I am together with because I know I am happy then.They make me feel opportunistisc and so much on top that I rather know reality from imagination.Aha- imagination is a part of the memory.yes-I do think so.
I even imagine things that are horrible and make me scared but they have nothing to do with someones I love and cherish and am friends with. I am easily scared.I used to provoke it without thinking of the consequences. I was a fool. It was a battle. It was battle against what many think is evil. I am not going to continue battling alone. it is absolutely ridiculous and may cause danger to my friends. So I stopped.I feel threatened and I have no idea why?
I am a warrior, some call female warriors/defenders Amazons.They are warriors and really I don't want to fight. I want peace. It is an achievement to curb a battle rather than trying to win it.
I wish I could stop right here and now.
I am so disillusioned, unfortunately. Not because I would like to live in an illusion. Then what does it mean?
I hate being afraid so i am going to go for a long walk. It may be the end of my life but it may very well be the beginning of a new and less frightening one. What to chose? The walk, of course.
See You.

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Comments

Submitted by mykle on
I hope you enjoyed your walk, willow . Too many people don’t get out enough and so their thoughts never get a break :o) It’s easy to fall into a habit of arguing with yourself and branding one side good and the other evil, particularly if you have a drug or drink problem… “Let’s go to the pub – no, I’ll only get pissed again” sort of thing. It is also quite common amongst people who have started smoking cannabis - ‘skunk’ is also notorious for causing attacks of paranoia. There is a weird and wonderful Guy Ritchie film called Revolver (starring Jason Stratham) that exemplifies the process of over thinking and if you aren’t too squeamish you might give it a look… just don’t mess with Mr Gold :O) Seriously, though, if you find yourself getting regularly upset by threatening thoughts best have a word with your GP… who will probably prescribe more walks :O)