The Crazy Clan that is the McCullochs

The Crazy Clan that is
the McCullochs

A One act play
by
zan oreagba

The Crazy Clan that is the McCullochs

Here, Andrew, the Jim and Jane's fourth son and child narrates an
almost documentary style moment in the lives of a Scottish family - The
McCullochs. The house that they live in appears to have too much
furniture in some places, and seems to have too little in another.
There is a lot of lace and chintz to be found around the place, for
example, on the ironing board, is a chintz replacement cover, and on
the side tables are photographs of members of the family, mounted on
lace mats. The wallpaper does not match each chosen chintz. Each room
has evidence of chintz - even the boys' room.

Jim: I hate ya, ya fucking bitch! [A cup smashes to the left of
Jane's head, splashing stale coffee over the walls, just missing
her by a fraction]

Jane: Oh(!), you hate me do ye's? Ya hate me? Well let me
show ya wha' hate is - I'll kill you, you sonofa - I'm a'
take this knife an' ram it down y' fucking throat

She grabs the knife and makes stabbing gestures. They both wrestle
each other, knowing full well that neither wants to kill the other -
they've loved each other too long. The knife drops bluntly. They back
away for a moment. Then they attack again. They freeze in this
position, and Andrew walks through the scene to narrate the
story.

Andrew: A normal day in the lives of Jim and Jane. They have eight
children, between the ages of 30 and 8, and every day, since their
marriage, they have been threatening to kill each other. They've been
married for 31 years.

Andrew exits - the argument continues.

Jim: Oh(!) Is tha' right, eh? Is tha' right? And what ya
gonna do wi'out me, eh? You've no fecking money, an' you're an ugly
bitch too - you could'na sell ya'self, ya silly cow

Jane: I migh' as well sell ma'self, 'cos you cannae even gi' me a good
nigh' - cannae even get it up, mind

Jim: So [slight pause of sarcasm], how do you account for all the kids,
then?

Jane: [Defeated, but still with intent to hurt] I dunno

The couple are not frozen this time, as Andrew is now in the hallway.
He speaks with sarcasm, and a voice of one who is faced with tedium can
be heard. The happy couple are still in the kitchen, and occasionally
little spiteful passing comments like "bitch" and "asshole" can be
heard through the narration.

Andrew: And so the argument continues. On and on, day in, day out. It's
Sunday today. Supposed to be the Holy Day of the week - the day of
rest. But neither Ma nor Pa give it a rest and you wouldn't think that
it was a Sunday by the amount of swearing going on. As I said, there's
eight of us in the house - ten, if you include our parents. There are 4
bedrooms, my parents to one smaller sized room, and the kids have the
privilege of having to share 2 or 3 to a cell. Me and John and Joseph
share. Josie and Toni are the only two girls, so they get somewhere
more to themselves - though you wouldn't think so, the way us boys run
through there. Toni has just started her periods, and I know this,
because [casually] me and Joseph were going through her draws. The
chest o' draws was a pretty sight, but I can't say much for her other
ones. Josie is 15, and she's really into girly things, like boys.
Dad'll go mad when I tell him about what she's been up to. If he asks
for proof (which he won't anyway), I'll just show him her diary. All
girls smell, anyway.
Today, everybody is down somebody else's throat. Mum and Dad are still
at it, as usual. Josie can't find her diary, so she's shouting at Toni,
who is the obvious suspect(!). Toni is shouting at me for going through
her draws. My other brothers, Adrian, Barry and Craig are out playing
footie, but Craig's girlfriend is on the 'phone to me, arguing, because
she thinks that I'm Craig, and that I've got another girl shouting at
me in the background.

Andrew resumes his telephone conversation.

Andrew: Tha's ma sister, ya silly bitch
Girlfriend: Aye, I wouldnae put I' past you, Craig, sleepin' wi' your
sister, anyways, I's gotta surprise fi ya. I'm pregnant.
Andrew: Ya wha?
Girlfriend: I say, I'm pregnant. Wha ' we gonna do?
Andrew: [pause for thought] I dunno. I think you should tell
Craig.

Andrew puts down the phone.

Andrew: And so I put down the phone, knowing that there will be another
addition to the crazy McCulloch clan - oh, such a friendly
family.
Craig's girlfriend: Hallo? Hallo? Who was tha'? Was tha' you,
Andrew?
I'm 'a' kill 'em.

Andrew: Ma and Pa are in the kitchen. I can overhear them and
the cutlery and the crockery all sounding off in unison. Josie is now
frantic and is ready to attack Toni. Joseph, is the baby of the family.
He is either impaired in some way, or he is just quiet. He just sits
there, reading, or "Enlightening himself" -as he would put it. Joseph
likes to think of hi'self as some sort of prophet.

Joseph: Nay, Nay, somethin's no' right, I tell ya', 's' not. I can feel
it, I had a funny dream las' nigh' I did, Andy? Andy?

Andrew: Aw, fuck off, ya little brat

Joseph: Aw, dinna be like tha' - Ma? Ma! Andy told me some bad words,
Ma!

A pause from the argument, and then a loud answer from the
kitchen

Ma: Aw, fuck off, ya little brat

Arguments resume.

Andrew: Adrian, Barry and Craig have just arrived home. Barry has got
some kinda wager with Adrian to say that he can't meet a girl and marry
her before the year is out. I think that this bet is an extension to
another bet that Adrian can't get a job and move out of the house by
the time the year is out. What is it now, October? Craig thinks that
Adrian is gay. I don't know what to think, really. Actually, I don't
really care. There is a smell of burning from the kitchen. Can yer hear
everyone shouting - believe me, if nothing else is worth salvaging in
this madhouse, the food is. [In direction of the kitchen] Ma! Pa!
Sunday lunch on fire, Ma?!

Ma: I know, I know, I'm dealin' wi' it
Pa: Well, if you were a proper woman, tha' would ha' bin
cooking from this mornin'.
Ma: Yes. But if you were a proper man, you wouldna bin botherin' me -
you'd be out washin' the car or somethin' - takin the kids for a drive,
in fact, you'd actually have a car
Pa: And whose fault was tha' then, eh? You weren't careful enough, you
had all those wee children; and now we haven't got any money
saved
Ma: And earlier on, you were claiming ownership for them
Pa: Aye, tha' I was, yeah, but now I've realised what a stupid bitch
I've married; and more fool me for staying wi'
Ma: Aye, well fuck off then, ya goat
Pa: Aye, so I will
Ma: Wha' d'ya want for tea?
Pa: Some mackerel and potatoes
Ma: We don't have any mackerel
Pa: So, why d'ya ask, ya silly cow?

Andrew: Now that Sunday lunch has been safely salvaged, we all continue
with our activities. Barry and Craig are having a laugh at Adrian's
expense, speculating wha' his future girlfriend is going to look
like.

Craig: Teeth like Jaws, I tell ya - and Barry, how's about this for a
laugh, then? She'll have an arse like a horse and a face like a
pig
Adrian: Yeah, well, she'll look better than that dog you're datin' now,
wha's her name, Lassie?
Craig: Amy? You talkin' 'bout my Amy? I'll kill ya, you bastard, don't
ever talk about her like tha' again, d'ya hear me?
Andrew: Oooh, get you! Aw, we're only havin' a laugh - dinna upset
ya'selves
Adrian: Yeah well, it's true. Everyone's had her. Even Barry's had her
- is no tha' right? Barry - go on, son, tell him -

There's a silence, then casually

Barry: Aye, I have, yeah
Craig: Ya wha!?
Barry: It was a mistake, Craig, one night
Craig: When? WHEN, YA BASTARD?!
Barry: [Cleaning the mud off his football boots, answering with
nonchalance] About two month ago - I dinna even remember
Craig: You use my Amy, and ya dinna even remember?
Barry: She wanted I' too, you know
Craig: I'm gonna kill 'em

Argument fades into the background, and then a fight ensues. To
audience;

Andrew: I think I'm going to go out of the room now. I don't think
that now is a good time to tell Craig tha' Amy is pregnant.

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