My struggles at school

At my regular therapy session yesterday, my therapist Gill suggested
to me that
as I was doing a lot of writing, maybe I should try putting down the
experiences I had which caused me to attend her counselling sessions.
As well as possibly being good for me, she thought my story might help
others in the same situation. In any difficult time it always helps to
know you are not alone. Plus, I am proof that you can come out the
other side smiling. I am happy now, looking forward to the future and
in a positive frame of mind. So here is my story, I hope it helps
anyone going through something similar.

*

I remember exactly when it began. January 2000. I had just gone back to
school after the christmas holidays. Over that break I had suffered
from the flu. I'm not sure if people thought what happened was due to
that, at first. I think they thought I was just tired and run down and
stressed. However, this wasn't the case, I knew that. I think it a had
been building for a long time, just steadily getting worse and worse. I
couldn't tell you that for sure though. I still don't understand most
of it myself.
I believe the exact day was a Wednesday, though I could be wrong
there. I hadn't wanted to go to school that morning. I remember asking
my mum if I could stay home but she sent me off to school as
usual.
All that day I felt as if I was going to burst into tears at any
moment. When P.E came round, I'm sure I didn't participate. It was
trampolining, that I can recall clearly. I sat on the stage watching my
fellow classmates bouncing up and down in the middle of the school
hall. As I sat there I realised
I couldn't take any more. I jumped up and told the P.E teacher that I
felt ill and asked to go home.
So, off I went to the office, where the secretary rang home. I went off
to the waiting room, where I sat expecting my mum to arrive and take me
home. However, it wasn't she but the head of the lower school who
walked in and sat next to me.
I don't remember the entire conversation but I know that she told me
my mum had told the secretary how I
didn't want to go in that morning. I quickly realised my mum wasn't
coming. What followed was a lot of tears on my part but what else was
said I don't know. Nor can I remember if I did go home that day. If I
didn't I'm not sure how I made it through.
The next day, as you can probably guess, I wasn't exactly bursting to
go to school. My mum had expected this and said the teacher told her I
could stay at home today. Ok, that was one day taken care of but when
Friday dawned, the problems really started. I cried, I screamed, I
begged and in the end I downright refused to go in.
I never did go back in for a full day after that. Believe me, it
wasn't easy. Nobody seemed to understand and the worst thing was the
person who understood least was me. To this day, I can't understand,
why school became such a problem for me. I'd never liked it but who
did? It just became so bad I couldn't do it anymore. Even as I write
this, I feel a little wave of something (terror?) well up inside me,
just thinking of school.
It was a complicated process. I saw many Educational Welfare Officers,
some nice, some not. I saw a child psyhcoligist
(not helpful) and had many horrible, scary meetings. I attended a
history lesson, as the teachers thought they might be able to
get me back in gradually. It was awful. Finally, a deal was arranged
where I'd work in the deputy head's office, gradually building
up my time in there. It went well at first but then went downhill.
Rounding the corner and seeing the school was enough to bring on
panic attacks. So, finally, after about a year and a half, I was
allowed to work from home.
When I heard the news I was ecstatic. No more school, no more terror,
no more panic attacks. That was things got better for me.
Since then I've become so much less stressed, more relaxed, just so
much happier. Not immediately, of course. For months after I was low,
worried, nervous, a bit traumatised I suppose. You have to realise this
was months and months of fear and misery. But eventually, I regained
happiness and became more relaxed.
This is my advice to you, if you are experiencing similar
difficulties:
1) Good Friends. These are vital. If I hadn't had my best friend
throughout this time I honestly don't know if I would have made
it.
Her support was invaluable.
2) Understanding teachers. Unfortunately there arn't always many of
them but the teacher that I dealt with was wonderful. Find someone in
your school who you trust and is kind and caring. You need someone like
that on your side.
3) Don't bottle it up inside. I do this all the time but talking about
it really helps. I didn't understand anything that I was going through
but trying to explain what's going on is so helpful. A friend, a
parent, even writing it in a diary is so helpful.
4) See a counsellor. This might seem a bit scary at first but as long
as you find the right person it's wonderful. The first one I saw was
not helpful and I didn't enjoy my visits with her but my current one is
brilliant. She's really lovely and often I come out of her room with a
huge smile on my face. Ask to see your school counsellor and remember
if you don't find your experience helpful or you feel uncomfortable
with them, switch to somebody else. Don't stay with a counsellor you
don't get on with. You'll go backwards, not forwards. It's essential
you find the right person so don't feel bad about quitting with a
counsellor. If she or he is half way decent they'll realise it's
nessecary you are with the right person.
5) Never give up on yourself. If, like me, your experiences mean you
leave school with no qualifications, don't give up hope. GCSE's are not
the be all and end all. You can go to college and do them later if you
like but it's much more important that you're happy. You won't do well
in exams if even being in school is freaking you out. Remain positive
and never, ever think you're a failiure. I thought I was doomed but now
I realise I have many talent's and a bright future ahead of me.
I think school can be a real confidence knocker but once you're out of
it you realise how much more special you are.
6) Don't suffer in silence. Nothing will ever get sorted unless you
tell someone your problem.
7) Realise you're not alone. My counsellor says she knows of lots of
people who've been through the same thing. I also read in the paper
recently of a girl who was diagnosed
with school phobia. This may be what I suffer from but whatever it's
important you realise you are never alone.
If I have helped in any way, I'm really glad. If you want to talk about
anything you're going through then feel free to email me. I'm not a
counsellor or anything but if you
want to talk to someone who's been through the same stuff then just
drop me a line. My address is zyzyha@hotmail.com.