My Friend Jane

I have an ambitious and a clueless friend named Jane---
Who doesn't know suffering nor hurt, let alone pain;
She's a schlemiel, a douche and a troglodyte;
She can't tell a stalactite from a stalagmite.

Self-proclaimed genius, a marvel a prodigy---
But I think otherwise, she's a living, breathing tragedy---
Oh my word; she's hideously obsessed, a shopaholic---
Figure of a svelte, graceful and utterly symbolic;

An over-achiever, but not the breadwinner;
Maybe the peccant, but never the sinner-
Her aficionados and thralls bow to her will,
Brainwashed to utterly scotch and kill...