god, burning, irreparable

I left the first edit suggestion as it was previously, because of how I intended for the point to get across. The feeling of being barren, but not necessarily bare. I did switch up the "Correct your mistakes; you took too harsh of a right." I changed it completely to: And here I am, still correcting your mistakes. You put me at the stake and I said, darling, nail me to the cross before I nail you on the cross. He looked cross, the idea of innocence being taken away. The idea of love melting in his breath, sweat, a test we are both failing. Not sure if it's better now... Might edit it again later on. Pretty shitty mood at the moment, had an awful day.

Can't give the mood away. Went to bed when I got home, woke up, started crying, couldn't stop crying, tried talking to mother, mother made it worse, got guilted, sitting here trying to stop crying and trying to talk myself out of cutting which is looking like a losing battle. Nearly 6:00 here. Evening's looking pretty shitty since I have two worksheets, a project I haven't finished, all due tomorrow, then a quiz to do tomorrow (which I have no clue how to do). Plus have to clean the guinea pig cage, which means my allergies are going to flare up, which means gasping for breath while crying. Not too shiny of an idea.

I don't know. My mum just talked to me and said I stomp all over her by asking to stay home, and nothing gets better, and I just have to do things and it doesn't matter if I'm unhappy, because I'll always be unhappy, because these are the way things are, you have to live here, you have to listen to these people call you mean names, you have to do blahblah this and that, that's the way things are, you can transition in three years, I know your psychologist told you that you should tell now, and become yourself now, but you can't, because things are that way, because they are, they just are, you have to get through things, they just are. but try new things. clean your room. do your chores. get a job. try new things. the things that could make you feel better you don't get the option to do for three years. you're not getting better because you're not trying new things; these things you think would help you feel better might not make you feel better and i don't condone them anyways so you can't try them for another three years, it doesn't matter, another three years, forget it, another three years. i have two sons. you are my daughter. you will always be my daughter. but try new things. because this isn't working. and the things you think would work that your psychologist thinks would work aren't possible for another three years. i don't think i've cried this hard since the day i was going to kill myself. and i guess it doesn't matter. there may be winning in not cutting, which i can't because she just screamed at me for a straight hour about how this isn't working blahblahblah, nothing's working, but there's no winning in the battle of trying to be myself, or feel better. so i don't know what to do. obviously nothing is working, will work, because she doesn't want to listen and at this point, neither do i. dunno if i'll be on much in the future, she's apparently "taking charge" and she kept bringing up the fact that i "sit on my computer and get nothing done." i don't know anymore. and sorry that this isn't really a reply. this stuff just all happened and it's a lot.

I'm writing this now, after having stopped crying, and having calmed down a good deal. I talked to my mum, and we're trying to compromise on starting new things (best not to go in on the topic of transitioning). Hopefully all goes through well, have a horrible headache at the moment, but no longer the urge to cut (or do something worse). Especially feel a lot better after reading "don't need to try, win, fight, battle to be - because you just are, appreciated you know?" It feels a lot like a battle most days, but that's exactly why it feels like a battle: I forget that there are these people who love me for me, and the real me. I isolate myself a large deal, and it's unhealthy. Sometimes I need to learn to stop walking on a wounded ankle and accept the crutches offered--even if, at times, it takes a wheelchair. Thanks for talking me through this, and being so kind. I've decided to do as you suggested, and I'm thinking of doing a bit of a "collage" piece. Mix between poetry and actual writing, maybe about myself, maybe about something else. Been interested in doing this for a while! Also, I never saw that post on the forum until you pointed it out--thank you so much! Definitely lifted my spirit just reading it. I'm gonna post on it, maybe tonight/tomorrow, depending on how things go.