In The Springtime

By fixourmachine

Sat, 10 May 2014
  • 2178 reads
4 comments
 

Millie steps out in her shame-soaked sweatshirt.

Gleaming blocks of sun kissed mist slide
            between the white columns and through the archways.

The gold gravel path ruckles under her march.

Through their pearly shells of morning dew,
            the daffodils and bluebells bow to her in awe.

Millie!

Her name a muddle of pride, guilt and grace.

Millie!

High in the crackling leaves of the trees,
            choirs of songbirds ping pong between sunrise gossip and
            their chorus of pastoral bacchanal.

You left your jacket!

The ground brustles as Millie turns on her flat heels to greet the
            Boy again.

You forgot your jacket.

The scents of just-shawn lawn and baking bread leap in her
            lungs.

Although you might not need it today.

He brings his eyes back down from the trees to hand her
            her neglected garment.

She clutches the cold leather to her chest,
            between crossed arms.

Well... see you in class.

Yeah, see you.

Okay.

Okay.

Certificate U
Story
Romance
Nature
Love

Comments

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

I really enjoyed this!

 

Submitted by fixourmachine on

Thank you!

Submitted by VeraClark on

I did, too. fixourmachine, love the delicacy in your details. The shyness is well expressed - the dialogue works. One thing, I felt, was that the ending seems to tail off abruptly, seems a little rushed and would be a shame after such a strong piece. Perhaps if you ended it with one more springtime image that also conveys their awkwardness after the dialogue? It would balance that lovely metaphor of first times and spring. Just a suggestion, see what you think.

 

Submitted by fixourmachine on

Thank you!

I tried to make the ending abrupt on purpose. I wanted to highlight the almost ingratious brevity of their interaction (maybe both characters are in a rush to end this awkward dialogue) and to give the reader a feeling of wanting more (an insight into how the protagonist feels).

But on reflection, you are absolutely right about ending with another springtime image. Thank you for this feedback!