The Tree House
By Starfish Girl
- 1211 reads
A challenge for my writing class to write something in a different genre. My attempt at children's, worth continuing do you think?
Ben was convinced that someone, or something, lived in the tree house. Mum and dad laughed when he told them this and said it was just squirrels or mice or birds. But Ben could not be persuaded, he knew that whatever was up there, hiding amongst the leaves, branches and bits of old wood, was in some way special.
When they'd first moved to this new house Ben had explored the whole garden, finding all sorts of treasures. Old, rusty bikes, wheel barrows without wheels, wooden boxes, and of course the tree house. Dad had said it was all rubbish and that the old lady who'd lived in the house before them was a hoarder. When dad had explained what it meant he'd decided that it would be a fun thing to have a hoard. He'd just heard about the Staffordshire Hoard on the tele and was convinced that he too would find a stash of gold.
Dad set about clearing out the garden, thinking some of the stuff might be dangerous. A big skip arrived and was put on the front drive. Ben really wanted to help and dad said as long as he was careful he could. He picked up bricks, bits of wood, old tins and much more and put them in the wheelbarrow and helped Dad wheel it out to the skip. Very soon the skip was almost half full but there was still loads of stuff to be thrown away. Ben had worked so hard and was tired and hungry.
'Go and wash your hands', Dad said, 'and we'll have a picnic under the tree.'
Mum had been watching from the window and she'd got everything ready, all his favourites. Peanut butter and jam sandwiches, yum. Followed by Jaffa cakes and all washed down with lemonade. Ben couldn't understand why Mum and Dad wouldn't eat peanut butter and jam. If allowed he would have it for breakfast, dinner and tea and keep some under his pillow in case he got hungry during the night.
Feeling very full and very tired he lay down on the rug and was soon fast asleep. He was woken up very suddenly when something fell on his head. He was all on his own, he didn't mind he knew his parents weren't far away. He looked up into the tree and could just see the rickety structure of the tree house, and he was sure something was moving way above his head. There had been a ladder but Dad had moved it because it was dangerous, or he thought it had been moved but it seemed to be back again.
'I know, Dad's mended it as a surprise so that I can go and explore.' Knowing that Dad would never leave anything that might hurt him around he began to climb. It seemed a long way up, and the more he climbed the further away the house seemed. He took one quick look down, there was the rug and the remains of the picnic below and he could hear mum and dad so he knew everything was OK. At last he reached his goal, and it was wonderful. All painted in gold, much better than that hoard he'd seen on the TV. What a clever Dad he had, doing all this in secret to surprise him.
'Come on sleepy head. I thought we were going to do some more work.' Ben opened his eyes and found himself lying on the rug with his Dad crouching next to him. 'But!' he looked around for the ladder but it had disappeared.
This was a mystery he would have to solve.
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Comments
Sharp pull in the opening,
Sharp pull in the opening, engages straight away Lindy.
Think it needs more of Ben's personality to come through, more quirks and history of why they've moved - is he popular at new school, is he a content child? Often lonely kids get pulled into dream worlds and readers empathise with it more readily.
Dream ending could only work once or it would get over used. The outdoor environment is scenic and setting well placed, you could definitely develop this fantasy world once you've clarified more on your main character. Give it a bash. What course are you doing?
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Ben appears to have a very
Ben appears to have a very everyday background, a mum, a dad, food in the house, picnics. It's not very 'in' with today's publishers and critics but they are not the people who buy the books! Keep it.
I have no idea what is going happen next and could happily read more of this.
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Hi Lindy
Hi Lindy
I too think this is a good beginning, and worth carrying on with. I think you painted a happy friendly child with a vivid imagination, and you have added the idea that something exciting and dangerous is about to happen.
When I went to a Catholic grade school in America, we were encouraged to go to Mass at 8 a.ml before school started at 9 - and in those days you weren't allowed to eat before going to communion. So after church, the kids who wanted it were given peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before school. Always a favourte with me, I could have eaten them 5 times a day too.
Jean
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