On Comedown Hill

Cherry

By socialeaf

Wed, 10 Jun 2015
  • 3325 reads
16 comments
 

 

On Comedown Hill

over a London that

comes into eye

like a quivering polaroid

in a brittle breeze

as the bubble we've been nursing

wastes away down to the

finest wispy threads

 

at least we have each other

 

Last night's basses

still pulse through

my cramping jaw,

and as the first sun's ray

draws sweat from cadaver skin

no one says a word

 

I look to profiles for a friend

I fish for the faintest of nods

 

but realise I'm with strangers

 

Certificate 15
Poem
Leafnotes

Comments

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Really like this slide into something unsettling.

Submitted by socialeaf on

Thank you Philip:) 

 

Submitted by love_writing on

The last stanza sums up that 'searching for something to ease things' feeling very well. 

love_writing

Submitted by socialeaf on

Thank you love_writing! 

 

Submitted by Bee on

Really liked this - and that 'unsettling' (as Philip said)  after-feeling. It's probably just me, but this line feels a bit awkward to me. - 'which I yawn out to relieve' Its a good description, but maybe it's the order of it - just doesnt sit quite right yet for me. Great ending - works so well against the opening stanza with it's delicate description, and the 'at least we have each other.'

'like a quivering polaroid

in a brittle breeze

as the bubble we've been nursing

wastes away down to the

finest wispy threads' - that's wonderful.

 

Bee

Submitted by socialeaf on

Bee, I've decided on your advice that that line slightly jarred with the rest of the poem. I considered replacing it with something else, but I think it works just removing it. I'd be very interested to know how you think it reads. That was a brilliant piece of feedback by the way. I find it very moving that you would consider so carefully the words I wrote. I aspire to convey images and feeling like you do in your poetry. Thank you! 

 

Submitted by Bee on

I understood the feeling behind that line, but I think it works perfectly well without. Love the poem, and thanks for the kind words about my stuff. That's so nice of you,

Bee

Submitted by socialeaf on

Thank you Bee! 

 

Submitted by socialeaf on

I'll let that line bounce about in my head a bit today- see what happens:) Appreciate the feedback:) 

 

Submitted by EB on

Precise images. That surreal feeling you get the next morning, and without needed reassurance. Seems like I've been there. Well done!

Submitted by socialeaf on

Thank you for reading it. Without giving to much away about my sordid past, this is a distant memory, but a very distinct one:) 

 

Submitted by EB on

Precise images. That surreal feeling you get the next morning, and without needed reassurance. Seems like I've been there. Well done!

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

Great summary of modern day emotions. Very delicately put.

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by socialeaf on

 

 

Submitted by Stephen Thom on

sounds like a heavy night! captured the scattered, creaking aftermath really well, like the rattle of 'b's', and in fact the whole section 'brittle breeze/as the bubble we've been nursing/wastes away down to the/finest wispy threads' is just gorgeous writing. i liked the isolated, fragile honesty/dredges of paranoia in 'at least we have each other' and 'but realise i'm with strangers'.  cracking work :-)

 

Submitted by socialeaf on

Thank you Stephen:)