The imperative (Poetry Monthly)

Cherry

By Pat G

Fri, 20 May 2016
  • 2373 reads
6 comments
 

blue

 

revisit a dream

and check

        on progress

 

seeds sprouting

        since the sowing

 

this night, the next

        or one before

 

in the dark

cold blue brick

        and small hairs erect

 

green

 

        stand or fall: stand

       

on green moss roofs

or lie

        and wait for light

 

close eyes 

        don’t ignore demands

 

dark

 

seize every shoot

tear it

        from the ground

 

        sowing, a mistake,

 

but be careful

        in the dark

 

beware the tugging roots        

        no matter how far

 

 

        you've gone

Certificate 15
Poem

Comments

Submitted by Lille Dante on

Hi there.

I enjoyed the short, impressionistic strokes of your poem. It felt immersive and claustrophobic.

However, I hope you won't mind a newbie's observation that the third section 'moist' does not appear to flow thematically from the previous two. Although in the same style, I am not sure the progression from green shoots to anchor chain is well established.

On the other hand, I suppose, it is typical of the way a dream progresses and may be indicative of 'how far / you've gone'.

And it did not diminish my enjoyment.

Lily.

 

Submitted by Pat G on

I appreciate the comments Lily. They are really helpful. You've confirmed what someone else hinted at in conversation. This piece has been evolving like a confusing dream. I may take an oxy-acetyline cutter to the anchor chain

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

I like the visual quality here.  It feels like a painting with blocks of stong colour and some sort of sleeping narraive connecting them.  Really interesting voice, giving imperatives to self - or is it some sort of controlling external voice?  Subtley disturbing.

Submitted by Pat G on

Thank you for delving into the ontological with this thoughful feedback.

Submitted by VeraClark on

A surreal trip. For me, a sleep walk dictated by a haunting dream consciousness. Does it need thematic continuity? I'm not sure it does. I liked the shift in gears, making me draw on a different kind of sensory experience to draw meaning. Much enjoyed.

 

Submitted by Pat G on

Thank you for this analysis. It is really encouraging after the struggles I've had with this piece of work.