Patience

Why
why does this paper hold so much

Why am I alone?
Why am I here?
Why am I me?

Destined
it seems
Always to be different
desperate
for difference
longing
to belong
somewhere

I will not compromise
to boredom
frustration
another's agenda
I wait patiently
whilst others forget me.
I'd rather be without
than sacrifice
my delicate state

My tapestry threads worn thin
suitable only for those
who with care
perhaps refined or aquired
and a certain taste
will protect me
mend me
cover me gently
thoughtfully
help me out of harsh elements
no rough handling
Treat me
Though I have lived many lives
of which I cannot always speak
seen so many things
felt the weight of so many
perpetuated such accidental pain
unethical mistakes
lessons
I struggle to learn
Now smoothed by
Retaliating chisels and sandpaper
Laboriously polished
- Treat me
Like an old friend
Love my wear and tear
Corners missing
Sharp edges splinters
Soft saggy bits
springs broken and wild
badly reparied bits
secretly repaired bits
-Take me for my history and
Mystery
Cumulated value
Lumps.

Will I sit in a corner
Discarded for years
with my 'patience'?

-------------

And finally I said it
"I hope you dont' think I'm rude
I can't really be friends...
and sometimes I just need my space"
"Oh no" he said
Sounding like a placating liar
And my legs took me up the road
Towards you. You
You

I have unsubscribed to that now
Given up hope
Given in to a chanced future

Time to just get on
Stop making sense
where there's none to make.

The unpredictable course of my life.

I have done away with safety
Convenience
Proximity
I'd rather be alone
Than damaged any more,
or have the threads pulled.
I'd rather gather layers of dust
Be skin thickened
Go grey
Wait for a playful admirer
Collector?
To find his final piece in me
Stitch the pages of my discomfort
to form a tapestry
Recycle my fibres
Notice the words in the pulp
See the history without contempt
without judgement
Give me a plain canvass
A new notebook
Maybe
Or maybe
Just give me a treasure case
where I can belong
-safely accomodated
all the parts of me
gathered
Lovingly protected
with solid carpentry
slowly carved casket
words worn in by repetition
on a solid floor
Too precious for sale or dealership
Precious enough for you
"You"
Precious enough for me
for "Her"
Precious enough to wait
on these pages
In this notebook
Precious for precious lips to speak
Precious minds to read
And this is why
To make poems
not the sense of social workers, psychiatrists or ex best friends
Sense of my mind
Sense of words rewritten
edited, deleted, layered
crossed out, spoken,
unspoken, enmeshed
personal and public
Words on a page
In my eyes
In our eyes, ears
From my ether
given to you for free
Only the cost of time. And patience...