Really truly have a gift for stealing

I’ve got a confession.
Something I need to get off my chest even though there’s a risk that once I’ve confessed it I might get arrested.
My only request is:
Don’t think me unfeeling or more unappealing.
But lately I’ve feel
I’ve just got to reveal
That I really truly have a gift for stealing.
I don’t mean a Bonnie and Clyde job
How many died job
Get on your gun and we’ll go on the run job
Just stealing
Good, honest, old-fashioned stealing
If you’re missing an item you cannot account
It might be a miscount
Or
You’re a victim of five-finger discount
It’s me
I’ve paid a quick stop by your shop
And stocked up on whatever it is that you’re dealing
Cos I really truly have a gift for stealing.
You once thought I had quite an innocent look
A notion you quickly forgot when I took
The cookbook by Nigella (a Christmas bestseller)
And the Chateau Margaux from your wine cellar
Yes I’m a lean, mean thieving machine
If I’ve not got it, it goes in the pocket
When things look appealing, with careful concealing
It goes in the coat and I’m on my way out
And I know that it’s wrong and one day I’m probably gonna get caught
But perish the thought
That I’d hate what I’d bought
And I was brought up to be taught that
Robin Hood
Was the good guy
And just like Mr Hood
I feel like I should use my talents for good.
Your last birthday.
I robbed you The Lovely Bones
Out of Waterstones
And you moaned that you wanted a phone
So I stole you a pay-as-you-go out of Virgin.
Christmas you told me
You want speakers from Sony
But the shop had sold out so I nicked you a pony.
And I know you can’t ride and it died pretty quick
But I tried. And it’s the thought that counts.
Now CCTV has got nothing on me
When I’m in HMV with an mp3
And a Beatles CD up my sleeve
Then I’m away to retrieve something else
Deceive someone else
Relieve Crabtree and Evelyn of lavender soap
For my mum
Cos she likes that one
And you should’ve seen me paying a stop
By the sweet shop in Henley
Run by the friendly old man and his wife
At a quarter to three on the Wednesday
A shadow
Passed over the Haribo
Moved onto the pick and mix
Then swiped up a Twix or six
And then vanished
Which I must say myself was a pretty good trick
Even if once I’d eaten them all I felt sick
And since then I’ve found Twixes quite unappealing
The smell of them gives me a nauseous feeling
But I still
Really
Truly
Have a gift for stealing.