My contributions to the Debt Ceiling Talks

With the debt ceiling crisis coming soon, the talks about whether or not to raise the ceiling or not has been in full-force. The only problem is the Democrats and the Republicans just cannot agree on anything and a default on the debt is becoming a real possibility. Thankfully, due to a glitch in the constitution, a new state was formed and the senator from that state, Chris Magro, has joined the debt ceiling talks to hopefully reach a conclusion and a solution to the problem and save America.

DAY 4

Obama: If we do not raise the debt limit, the country will simply run out of money. I do not see how we can afford not to.

Paul: Look, we need to confront this problem now. Not later, now.

Magro: Sounds fair. What do you think Boner?

Boehner: Uhhh what did you call me?

Magro: Boner. I think I was clear, all agree?

Boehner: It’s Boehner, pronounced Bay-Ne…

Magro: Your name sounds like a hard dick.

Obama: Can I ask who you are? And how you got in here?

Magro: I’m Chris Magro. You know, the Senator of Jackoffastan, it’s new. I named it after Boner.

Boehner: It’s BAY-

Magro: -Does not affect me.

Obama: I’m gonna call security

Magro: (holding up a piece of paper) It’s legit.

Obama: There is no logical reasoning for how this is real….but I can’t dispute it.

Magro: BAM!

DAY 7

McConnell: And that is our proposal for cuts to spending.

Reid: You cannot be serious.

Magro: I don’t think they’re…dicking around. Get it? Dick, like a boner?

McConnell: I know it’s big cuts, but it’s what we have to do balance our budget and pay off our debt.

Magro: Hey I know how to pay off our debt.

Boehner: We’re not letting you and the democrats raise the ceiling. We need to end government spending and take responsibility for the debt we already have.

Magro: Actually it’s “raise the roof,” and I know how to get rid of the debt in no time.

Reid: But if we don’t raise the ceiling, it’s gonna be Armageddon for the United States.

Boehner: and if we don’t cut spending it will be worse!

Magro: Alright, I know yesterday I said how I wanted to stick my Boehner into Barbara Boxer’s “money maker.” But I thought under the circumstances it was appropriate….and I did apologize, slightly…I guess apologizing with a mid-meeting tequila shot didn’t cut it huh. Well whatever, your loss.

Reid: So why don’t we just hire a bunch of prostitutes and have it so that 35% of their earnings go to paying off the debt? That’s what you guys want to do? Have America become just one huge Pimp?

Magro: (while holding up a bunch of fake Mexican green cards made out of colored construction paper and the multi-colored crayons made with one of those “make your own crayon maker” maker) THAT’S MY GODDAMNED IDEA!

DAY 9

Boehner: China, everyone here knows that China’s the real problem here. They have most of our debt and they can call us out on it whenever they want to. We have to pay China back. Pretty soon their economy will surpass ours.

Obama: We cannot afford to start paying them off without raising taxes on the wealthiest of Americans, we simply do not have the money.

Magro: Why don’t we make a GIANT catapult, put China on it, and then launch it into orbit and make it our second moon? Problem. Solved.

Weiner: Don’t you ever have any somewhat smart thoughts?

Magro: Don’t you ever cheat on your wife with a not-ugly woman?

Weiner: And that is exactly why I feel I need to resign…..

Magro: Just remember; there’s no such thing as too much pussy…unless you’re using it as an excuse to get outta nailing an ugly actually there’s just no such thing as too much pussy. You just got caught which is HILARIOUS!

Reid: Senator, I can’t believe I’m actually calling you senator, Magro, that is quite enough.

Magro: you chuckled I saw you-
Reid: -either say something to help the crisis on hand or please be quiet!

Magro: …wait are you talking about the debt ceiling or the fact that Boner II here doesn’t know how to keep his “adventures” private?

Boehner: I agree with Senator Reid…for once. You are quite out of line.

Magro: C’mon, don’t be so…stiff. OH!

DAY 10

Magro: Okay, so I feel I should take this opportunity, and by “I feel I should” I mean that Obama feels that he can tell me what to do and is making me, to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I guess you two have enough to deal with, what with Weiner getting caught cheating which is completely his fault, and for Boehner having that as a last name, which actually he can’t help unless he legally changes his name, which although is do-able, his family may not approve. And if his family was ANYTHING like my family then he WOULD NOT want to do that! Just wanted to throw it out there that he can in fact do something about his last name. But the more I uhhh, think about it due to the fact that I’m talking about it, that behavior is more for an informal place, like a bar. And actually it just hit me, we are not in a bar. So that behavior was completely unacceptable yesterday and I promise you that from this moment on I will only talk about Weiner nailing ugly chicks and call Boehner “Boner” in a bar setting….so basically anywhere but here. I just can’t make any promises though.

Reid: ….I think I heard at least an “I apologize” in there

Day 11

Obama: Chris…Senator Magro, are you sleeping?

Magro: Huh? What? Oh, sorry Mr. President. I know I should’ve gotten more sleep than I did last night. But I was up too late watching a porno….of YOUR DAUGHTER! It was actually quite good, it’s called “Roots.”

Obama: Excuse me?

Magro: yeah sorry, that apology I had to give yesterday, you’re welcome by the by, really drained it out of me I needed something to get my mind off of things.

Obama: Did you not learn ANYTHING from yesterday?

Magro: No, actually, and I will tell you why. One word: Government. That was a “government issued apology.” Let me tell you a little something about this, you don’t care about the apology, you don’t care about Weiner and Boner feeling better. All you care about is CONTROL. Forcing me to apologize was just ONE more way for the government to take control of the people. I mean look it: Universal Health Care, making us buy car insurance, seat-belt laws, gay marriage laws, ‘spreading the wealth,” Cap and Trade, higher taxes, these are all things that are meant to control the American citizens. First it’s making me apologize, then you’ll be forcing me to do a favor for Weiner, then it’ll just escalate from there until I’m his black slave and all my freedoms are gone which is exactly what YOU WANT. These debt ceiling talks for you isn’t about helping the economy and the average joe, it’s about making sure you have enough money to spend the SHIT out of this country so you can get your stupid government programs like I dunno, turning a fucking train station into a museum? A museum for what? Trains? If I want to see some trains I’ll head to the Amtrax. And what about the government issue Asian porno dvd’s? Well that hasn’t happened yet, and as much as I want it to happen I can’t let it! Because what happens when we are told what pornos to watch? Then we’ll be told when to watch it, who to watch it with, and when we can masturbate, all in an attempt to control our lives. As soon as they take away our porno freedoms, they take away ALL OUR FREEDOMS.

Boehner: …..I feel like I can actually take you serio-

Magro: -your name’s still a dick.

Day 18

Magro: LEGALIZE POT NOW!

Obama: Jesus Christ what?

Magro: MAKE IT LEGAL! DECRIMINALIZE POT! I WILL NOT REST UNTIL THIS HAPPENS!
Reid: Are you high right now?

Boehner: Can we get back to the debt limit problem?

Magro: No. I really ne-

Obama: I’m about ready to kick you out

Magro: Wait though, I really need this, and since you’re all here I just thou-

Obama: What’d you do?

Magro: Now let’s not jump to conclusions here….but just for the record I didn’t cheat on my wife.

Weiner: uh hello-

Magro: Quiet I’m talking. I just happened to have accidently put a few grams of pot under my bed and the cops are onto me and their getting a warrant to search my house and they’ll be there around 4. And when I say grams I mean a few pounds

Reid: and you’re telling this to all of us?

Magro: I DIDN’T KNOW WHO TO TURN TO OKAY??? MY
WIFE JUST LEFT ME AND I HAD NO ONE ELSE TO GO TOO. And also for the record the divorce was not from me cheating.

Boehner: I really don’t think we can do anything.

Magro: PLEASE DO SOMETHING-ING-INGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! I HAVE ENOUGH POT TO LOCK ME AWAY FOR A LONG TIME. I CAN’T DO TIME A COUNTRY IN JAIL I’M GONNA BE MORE HATED THAN CASEY ANTHONY. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

Obama: Well I don’t see this being anyone but your own fault. Maybe after your time you’ll change your ways.

Magro: ENOUGH WITH THE “CHANGE” SHIT! THERE HASN’T BEEN CHANGE IN 3 YEARS AND THERE NEVER WILL BE UNLESS YOU HELP ME AND FUCKING LEGALIZE POT! THE COPS ARE GONNA BE AT MY HOUSE AT 4, THAT LEAVES ONLY 5 HOURS!

Obama: Hmm, Reid, Boehner, come here I need a private word with both of you
(a few moments of undecipherable mumbling)

Obama: Okay, this is what we’ll do, we decided to put out a law to decriminalize pot. All agree?

Everyone: aye!

Obama: It’s decided, pot shall be legalized and decriminalized.

Magro: Oh thank you thank you thank you thank yo-

Obama: At 5pm today

Magro: ….fuck

Day 48

Boehner: Look, I’m about to just leave these debates. We’ve moved nowhere and are no closer to reaching a decision.

Obama: We’ve gotten solutions, but the GOP would rather see the other party fail than for America to win.

Magro: Good news assholes. I’m back from my sentence…for marijuana…because you DICKS decided to make it legal directly after I got arrested. But it’s okay. Cause after a lot of thinking, and heavy drinking, I’ve decided to forgive you guys and just let it go,

Boehner: Excuse me? Before you go off blaming all of us.

Magro: I uhhh wasn’t blaming you guys. Okay I was but I think it was justified.

Boehner: -We’ve come up with solutions too, but YOU keep shutting them down.

Magro: Well of course I shut down your solution to pot…it didn’t help me at all! Well it helped me 5 minutes ago, but 30 days ago you FUCKED me.

Boehner: -So don’t even throw this on us when it’s just as much you. But I know what you’ll do. You’ll go prancing around the United States giving speeches blaming us for the problems and it’ll look like you did nothing wrong, cause obviously “nothing is your fault.”

Magro: Okay you know what? I don’t need this shit from you guys. I was in Jail for 30 days and I was supposed to be in there for even longer. You know how I got out? I bailed myself out…cause I can do that, cause it’s legal in MY state. No thanks to you douchebags. If all you’re gonna do is throw my forgiveness away then go for it, I don’t care. See this? This is Weiner’s cell phone. If I wanted to right now I could send out pictures of my penis and balls to all his contacts and say they were his…although I’d have to photoshop my penis to be small in the picture, cause it’s HUGE, and I can’t let Weiner get the credit for it. So is that what you want me to do?

Obama: Look, we just need to be bi-partisan with this proposal. It has to be a win-win.

Magro: I’ll take that as a yes.

Day 54

Magro: Okay, so I was on Craigslist-

Obama: Oh God what now?

Magro: I know how to fix the debt ceiling!

Obama: Well I guess your month in jail gave you some thinking time…and I didn’t actually have an agenda for today. So what?

Magro: What we do is just open the borders wide open! …Only for yellow people though. And then tell them that if they leave Korea they can have more than one kid

McConnell: that’s actually the Chine-

Magro: And THEN! We tell the women that if they want to stay in America, they have to become prostitutes and pornography actors!

Reid: …what?

Magro: So essentialy, we, the government, will take over the pornography and the prostitution industry-

Reid: The prostitution industry kinda isn’t actually an undustry. It just is-

Magro: JUST like you did with GM. So then what we’ll do-oh, and we’ll legalize prostitution in all states, simple enough- is then tax the industries 35% and that 35% will go to help pay for the debt. Well that’s the gist of it at least. I made little hand-outs explaining the law for all of you.*

Obama: this plan isn’t even worth discussing. Why are you still in this room?

McConnel: (under his breath) makes more sense than anything you’ve made up…

Obama: Excuse me? What was that?

Magro: can….can you say that again?

McConnel: His plan makes more sense than anything else that has been proposed. I mean-

Magro: IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BLACK AND BLUE DONKEY JACKIN’ CORNFUCK FACE OBAMA! And the same goes for everyone else in here…especially boner.

Obama: Get out!

Magro: Once again, you’re wrong! I’m a state, I have a right to be here.

Obama: All in favor of getting rid of Jackoffastan as a sovereign state, say aye.

Everyone (except Magro, obviously): aye!

Obama: looks like we have a supermajority. Get out.

Magro: Okay fine. But can I just say, it was an honor to be able to work with all of you. I really felt accepted in here, and I hope I was as much help as I could’ve been. I know we’ll be able to fix this economy, and while things with my state didn’t work out, I hope you all give credit to me as someone who helped with the solution. Thank you for all the support and attention, and I hope you had as much fun as I had. And I wish you good luck.

Boehner: You don’t mean that.

Magro: Yeah you’re right. See ya later dickholes.