The Tomb of One Direction – The Day of Life

 

A man in a suit sat behind a desk, scribbling doodles on a piece of paper. Opposite him stood a man dressed  in emperor's robes, doing nothing in particular, certainly not dancing.

 

Eventually the emperor spoke.  “Quiet today, isn’t it,” he said.

 

The man behind the desk looked up. “This is the Day of Life,” he said, and returned to his doodling.

“The Day of Life?”

 

“God has decreed that there shall be no death today. It is a sign of both His mercy and His power. None shall pass through the Tomb of One Direction this day.”

 

“Oh. Well, I’ll sit down then.”  The emperor sat down. "No point being on my feet if I don't need to dance."

 

Another man arrived, also wearing a suit. It was, for those of you familiar with the ancient myths, the Director of Lifespans.

 

“Busy?” he asked the Keeper of the List of the Dead.

 

“Do I look busy?”

 

The Director peered over at the doodles covering the List of the Dead. “No, you don’t look busy at all. So it’s true then, none passing through all day?”

 

“It is true.”

 

“Excellent. You know there are some things I’ve always wanted to try out, but it’s always been too busy, too many people about.”

 

“Try things out?”

 

“Experiment.” He leant over conspiratorially to the Keeper of the List. “I’ve always wondered whether we can add to the List of the Dead. You know, just by writing on it, does it make things dead?”

 

The Keeper of the List looked shocked by the suggestion. “It is hardly our role to play god, and add names to the List. These are human lives we’re speaking of. Cut short by your pen.”

 

The emperor also interjected. “It’s hardly a good day to add names to the List. Nobody at all is dying, so it will be noticed and is bound to incur god’s wrath for breaching his Day of Life.”

 

“I don’t mean a human life, obviously,” the Director said, “that would be out of the question. But what about an animal.”

 

“Animals don’t pass this way,” the Keeper of the List said.

 

“Exactly. But would they, if they were included on the List?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Let’s find out then.” So saying the Director took the List of the Dead from the List Keeper, together with his doodle pen, and added the name: Doris the Duck.

 

No sooner had he finished writing than a duck appeared on the desk where the Keeper sat.

 

“My god, it works. Here, let me try.” The Keeper retrieved the List and wrote: ‘Tiddles the Cat.’  A tiny kitten appeared on the desk, mewing.

“Ah, the poor thing,” said the emperor, picking up the cat and stroking it, “it’s a shame to take such a young life. Your game must cease, you have proven your point.”

 

Whether the other two would have argued we will never know, for at that moment a new figure appeared in the Tomb, slightly older than the others. It was the Commune Chief of the Tomb Gate.

 

“The Earl of the Tomb is coming,” he said. “He is bringing the Prince of the Tomb here to visit.”

“The Prince of the Tomb? Coming here?”

 

“I know, it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. It’s because of the Day of Life, it …” he paused, slightly taken aback by the sight of the newly-arrived animals. “What are those?”

 

“Erm, a duck and a cat.”

 

“What are they doing here. No animals pass this way.”

 

“You see, there was a bit of an error with the List.”

 

“There are no errors with the List,” the Commune Chief said, then, seeing the emperor’s eyes begin to fire up with anger, hastily corrected himself, “bar the one error long ago which we all eternally regret.”

 

“Well, we sort of wondered …”

 

“You wondered if by killing a cat and duck you would have secured your eternal punishment? Well we shall shortly find out, for the Prince is on his way.”

 

“What if we hide the animals,” the Director said, shoving the duck up his shirt.

 

“Then it will look like you have a cat and a duck shoved up your shirts. You think neither the Earl nor the Prince would notice such an unusual sight?”

 

“Well then we could … Your majesty welcome to the Tomb of One Direction.”

 

The four men all bowed to the newly arrived Prince, who had entered the Tomb along with the Earl, dressed in his finest ermine robes.

 

“Allow me to introduce the staff,” the Earl said to the Prince. “This is the Commune Chief of the Tomb Gate, the Director of Lifespans and the Keeper of the List of the Dead. And this is the Emperor of Two Left Feet, he dances for the dead. You are lucky to be here when there are no dead passing through, his dancing really is appalling.”

“Then why do you dance sir,” the Prince asked, “if you are such a poor dancer?” 

 

“I am here awaiting the return of a ballerina. I said I would take her place.”

 

There was much grovelling at the feet of the Prince, who showed great interest in the work of all the Tomb’s staff, whilst the Earl of the Tomb made every conceivable effort to not notice the duck and the cat, not, at least, while the Prince was with him.  HOwever, the Prince too had noticed the menagerie.

“And what do the duck and cat do?” he asked .

 

“Er, this is the Duck of Death,” the Director of LIfespans said.

 

“The Duck of Death?”

“People passing through here are disorientated to find themselves parted from life. The Duck greets them with a loud quack, which helps to awaken them to their fate and thereby come to terms with their death, sufficiently that they may then pass on to the next place.

“I see. And the cat?”

 

“The Cat of One Direction guides the deceased to Heaven’s Gate.”

 

“And where is Heaven’s Gate.”

“Er, just over there.”

“Do they really need a guide for such a short distance?”

 

“As I say, they are disorientated.”

 

“Can I try?”

“I’m sorry your majesty, I don’t understand. Try what?” the Director asked.

“Going through the process. Let’s pretend I’ve just arrived from the land of the living. He nodded to the Keeper of the List, to begin the process.

 

“What is your name, your majesty?”

“I don’t have a name, I am merely a title. You should know that.”

 

“I’m sorry, your majesty. It is just the normal process.”

 

“Oh, right. Well carry on.”

 

“Right, well, I’ve finished. It’s the duck’s turn now.”

 

All eyes turned to the Duck of Death.

 

“Quack.”

 

“I see,” said the Prince. “Remarkable, quite remarkable. I really do find myself attending to my own mortality. Not that I am mortal, obviously.”

 

“Quack.”

 

“I who was alive am now dead. Yes, heaven awaits me, but first I must accept that I am leaving all but my soul behind. My mortal possessions, my worries, my family, my enemies, my friends, there is no place for them here. I am ready to accept my fate. Ready for the next world.”

 

“Quack, quack.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“I think she’s laid an egg,” whispered the Director to the Keeper.

 

“I am ready for my destiny,” the Prince announced. Seemingly at his words, the cat leapt off the table.

 

“I shall follow you, oh Cat of One Direction. To my destiny.”

 

The Cat sped off down the Tomb, in the opposite direction from Heaven’s Gate. After a minute or so, it stopped, licked it’s testicles and curled up to sleep.

 

“Is this the way?” the Prince said, somewhat puzzled.

 

“I’m afraid not,” the emperor said, taking control of what seemed a very human situation, and he was more used to human behaviour. “The Cat is new, still in training.”

 

“Well, what a perfect day to train it. The Day of Life. I shall stay and help you.”

 

And so it was that the Prince came to spend the Day of Life in the Tomb of One Direction, helping to teach the Cat of One Direction the way to Heaven’s Gate. It was the most fun the Prince had ever had, in all his existence, though the other participants, strangely, each singled the same day out as the hardest day’s work of their life.