The Nutcase Friendly Bible - Eden

(Scene 1.  In the Garden of Eden.)

Snake :-  Oh, slip, slip, slither along, slip, slip, slither along.  Hello there, Mrs. Eve.

Eve :-  Hello.

Snake :-  If I might say so, what a lovely garden, and what beautiful trees.

Eve :-  Oh, thank you.  God made it for us.

Snake :-  And what beautiful fruit you have on these trees.  Oh, tell me, did God say you couldn’t eat any of the fruit from these trees?

Eve :-  No.  He said we could eat as much of any fruit we liked as long as we didn’t eat the fruit of that tree over there (pointing.)

Snake :-  Oh, slip, slip, slither along, slip, slip, slither along.  (Moves towards the tree.)  Which tree, this one?

Eve :-  Yes, that one.

Snake :-  But this is the nicest, juiciest, tastiest of all the fruits in the garden.

Eve :-  God said it was poisonous.  He said, ‘If you eat it, you will surely die.’

Snake :-  Oh, don’t believe God when he says that.  God’s just a spoilsport.  Everything beautiful or sweet has been banned.  Look, Eve Love.  (Grabs the fruit and holds it in its mouth.  Tries to talk.)  Mmm, mmm, gnn, gnn, mmm.

Eve :-  Don’t talk with your mouth full.  (The snake puts the fruit down on the grass.)

Snake :-  Eve Darling, there’s nothing wrong with this fruit.  Look at it.  It’s big and juicy.  It’s not poisonous.  It’s good for you.  It’s full of dietary fibre and vitamin C.

Eve :-  God told us not to eat it.

Snake :-  Is that because you’d enjoy it?  God just wants to stop you having fun.

Eve :-  God gave us all the other fruits in the garden, and that looks exactly the same to me.

Snake :-  That’s where you’re wrong.  When you eat this fruit, it’ll make you really clever.  It’ll be like having a degree in a really difficult scientific subject and being a gifted novelist at the same time.  One bite of this fruit, and you’ll feel as if you’ve got two brains.  Eve, people pay a lot of money for their education.  I’m giving it to you for free.

Eve :-  I’d like to be really clever.  But no, I mustn’t disobey God.

Snake :-  Eve, God told you not to eat the fruit, didn’t he?

Eve :-  Yes, that’s right. 

Snake :-  So instead of eating it, just put a little bit of it in your mouth and spit it out again.  You don’t actually have to eat it.  Just taste it and see if you like it.  (The snake picks the fruit up in its mouth and offers it to Eve.  Eve takes the fruit, breaks off a segment and holds it between her fingers.)

Eve :-  All right, don’t eat it, just taste it.  (Puts the segment in her mouth.)  Mmm!  I really like the taste.  It’s wonderful.  It’s no good, I really have to chew it.  Oh, this is delicious.  Gimme, gimme.  I want more.  (Starts eating more of the fruit.)

Snake :-  Don’t eat it all, Eve.  Leave some for Adam.

Eve :-  (Gives some of the fruit to Adam.)  You know what, Adam?  I’ve suddenly started thinking, since I’ve eaten that fruit, I’ve started to notice how much colder the air around us is than our bodies.  Especially with that wind.  The wind chill has quite an effect.

Adam :-  Yes.  I’m thinking the same thing.  That fruit certainly gave us knowledge, didn’t it?

Eve :-  It’s the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil.  It’s evil for people to be cold, it’s good for them to cover themselves with leaves from the garden.  Come on Adam, let’s sew some leaves together and wrap them around ourselves to keep warm.

Snake :-  Oh, slip, slip, slither along, slip, slip, slither along.  We’d better go and hide behind a hedge somewhere.  It’s time for God to take his afternoon walk.

God :-  Adam, Adam?  Did you really think you could hide from me?  I know you’re behind there.  (Adam and Eve stand up.)  How did you know you were cold?  Have you eaten of the fruit I told you not to eat of?

Eve :-  It was all that creepy snake’s fault.

Snake :-  Oh yes, pass the buck.  You both ate it, didn’t you?  You both thought the knowledge it gave you was absolutely fantastic.

God :-  Adam and Eve, this is serious.  I can’t let you eat from the tree of life now, because you would live forever, in disobedience to me.  So it’s goodbye to the garden, I’m afraid.  (Looking at the snake.)  As for you, you’re going to have to crawl around on your belly and eat dust for the rest of your life.

Snake :-  Oh, I can live with that.  Oh, slip, slip, slither along, slip, slip, slither along (leads them out of the garden.)  I’m sorry you got kicked out of the garden.  We’ve all had a bad day, haven’t we?  Now I’ll find some seeds that we can plant, and you can sleep in that cave over there.