Navelgate

            Aside from attacks on legitimate news by the current administration during the impeachment hearing, there are other issues at play on the national stage.

            On Thursday, the 117^th circuit court of appeals upheld the decision of some other court in Connecticut, ordering President Donald Trump to reveal whether his navel was concave or convex. Not since Clinton’s Mole, Nixon’s sweaty upper lip, or Andrew Johnson’s dingy Friday Cravat has our nation been held in such thrall.

            This story began back in March 2017, when, in the quarterly ‘Spicy Law’, it was reported that a nicely-centered half-inch nub was seen poking from beneath the president’s crew shirt as he whiffed a drive on the back nine of the Ernest Young Golf Course near Itchy Holler, Missouri. Someone shouted: “YOU THE MAN!”, the gallery lightly applauded, and Trump pretended that he meant to do that. Neo Con reaction to the article centered on the use of the term ‘cute’. The reporter hadn’t gilded the nub in glory, so word went out that he was now ‘on the list’.

            Which set things into full swing. “Has it come to this?” Sunday morning news panels were asked, “Obstruction of Justice, and now, ‘Navel Block?’”

            The source of the difficulty was traced to a location inside a bureau at the Oval Office, where Rudy Giuliani was found, snerking and snuffling. The aide who found him and slipped him a Twinkie was then marked for promotion to ‘Acting Something’, until it was found that he hadn’t yet entered his dotage. This news of this event was leaked, however, and ‘Spicy Law’ immediately filed suit against any and all who reside in that bureau.

            How could such events occur? But, before that question could be answered, a catchy name had to be found for the scandal itself. ‘The Belly-Button Thing’ was a term that was considered. ‘Navely McNavelface’ was put forth, but didn’t float. The press finally settled on ‘Navelgate’, which had a nice ring.  

            During those calmer times, before ‘all lint broke loose’, the navel was only brought up once during a going-to-the-helicopter press conference, and Trump responded:

            “I met him a few times. I really don’t know the guy.”

            With that, the world began to sit up and pay attention, along with their dogs. In a television piece that everyone who possesses a navel should have watched, Dr. Peter Dejernan, consultant for the Today Show, said that navels aren’t written in stone. They can change in appearance over the course of time or events.

            One of Trump’s former doctors, Dr. Inis Brockleiter, was found in his storefront clinic in Teaneck, but he provided no straight answer as to whether the president’s navel had changed in appearance, being distracted with promoting his wide selection of Amway products.

            Which leads to the question, what exactly are the navel demographics? What percentage have ‘innies’ or ‘outies’? I’m sure that statistics exist, but I’m too tired to search. And I haven’t seen my factotum since he went out for a family pack of Chili-Cheese Fritos back during the Covfefe Kerfuffle.

            Then, there was a break in The New York Times. A photograph had been found of a young Trump with a ruby in the navel in question, ringed by shocked and leering faces. The navel itself was, of course, obscured from view. And, although it supported the Republican argument, having been leaked by ‘WeLoveTrumpPac’, and with cut, unset rubies lending themselves more to navels of the concave variety, the Commander in Chief denied it all in an off-the-cuff tweet:

                                    ‘NOT MY RUBY!

                                    AND MINE’S AN INNIE!!!’

            A pall fell upon our nation’s capital. Number 37, I think, and it was time for the West Wing staff to spin. A spokesperson, whose name we will not reveal because we can’t keep track, stepped up to the plate the next morning.

            “During an event at Fordham on September 1966, Donald Trump was photographed wearing a ruby in his navel, which has been proven in the past to be concave. The ruby itself is convex, and weighs in at a total of twenty carats. This ruby exchanged hands during a game of darts in 1760, thus causing a tiff between the Duke of Holstein and the Marchese of Parma, which was a pity, since they had gotten along so well before. Later, it was retrieved from a bathtub drain at the Waldorf Astoria, for which service a woman widely believed to be Greta Garbo tipped the janitor ten depression dollars. At the time of the photo, the ruby had been lent to Donald Trump by a friend of the family. The current location of the ruby is not known, but ownership is now being contested in probate.”

            Simultaneously, the president, who had been briefed, was out in the Rose Garden not contradicting what his press secretary was saying, which is news in itself. Happy that the issue was steering attention away from his untoward tweet about Outer Mongolia the day before, he said that the ruby he wore was of a weight equal to twenty ‘Happy Bunny’ carrots, or a full pack, and that it was known to be the most desirable ruby ever in existence. And that it was called the ‘Hope Ruby’, like the sapphire.

            However, Kellyanne Conway, who wasn’t in the loop that morning, continued to deny everything. In a follow-up on Meet The Press, she denied that ‘Hope Ruby’ was a misnomer, stating that many gems were referred to as ‘Hope’. Diamonds, opals, sapphires. She even had a roommate in college- Hope Ketterman- who was a gem who did the dishes even when it wasn’t her turn. Ms. Conway then denied that Trump even possessed a navel, stating that the president had been found in a cabbage when quite young. Then, she said- “Wait a minnut…”, lightly pressed a finger against her ear as the nation waited, then, relayed what she had just been told from an undisclosed location, denying all that she had just said, along with all other official statements before, saying: “When Baby Donald was offered a navel, he thought they said ‘Navy’, and said that he wanted one with nine-hundred ships.” Historians sat up as she paused brightly for the next question, and bolted library doors were banged upon later that Sunday afternoon by people who wanted to know who told that old joke first.

            Trump’s staff had watered the mud, of course, and felt that they could draw out the case for years. But, their boss couldn’t leave well enough alone, tweeting:

                                    ‘Nancy Pelosi smells farty. On the

                                    verge of a deal with Chairman Xi.

                                    NOT AN OUTIE!

                                    TOTALLY LAMINATED!!!’