Uncle Aldo - Part 2

Me and Bruce decide tae plod through the hallwey intae the livin room. Where we’re stoapped deid in our tracks by the sight ae the huge new attraction mounted tae the wah. At first neither ae us exchange a single word. Insteed we baith jist stare in awe at the telly, open moothed. Unable tae process what our eyes are witnessin. This fuckin hing must easily surpass a hunner inches.

''Fuck me, Bruce'' ah gasp, finally findin ma voice. ''Ah've no seen a boax this big since me and yur mother went tae see The Odessey at the Imax''.

It’s no long before ah find massel sittin comfortably oan the modern style couch. Fuckin hing should probably come wae its ain postcode. Gien it’s outrageous length and size. Bruce’s layin nixt tae me. Whilst we’re exposed tae some piss poor daytime talk show. But eventually. Mibbie half an hour in we hear the front door explode open and jist as quickly slammed shut. Follaed by the unmistakable soonds ae fitsteps. Ah rapidly mute the tv, waitin fur Aisha and Imran tae gatecrash our chill oot session.

Sure, as shit, they arrive. And immediately, ah kin tell Aisha’s livid. Mean, she looks ready tae spit blood. In fact, tae be entirely honest wae yae. Ah’ve no seen her wearin a scowl like that since ah swapped her mornin efter pill wae a powerful laxative. Perr wee Imran cowers behind her wae his schoolbag strapped aroond his shoulders. He’s a gid kid, a handsome nine-year auld laddie wae French braided hair. Ah kin tell Bruce is itchin tae shower him in kisses and cuddles. But even he manages tae refrain himself until the sis spills the beans.

‘’Tell your uncle and Bruce what you did?’’ she demands, pointin tae the pair ae us.

‘’I’m sorry, mum’’ young Imran replies, unable tae meet her eyes. ‘’But Joshua has been mean to me for weeks. Today, he got everyone to make fun of my hair. He started calling me Pocahontas’’.

Oan the spoat ah burst intae a fit ae giggles, pissin massel laughin, ‘’Pocahontas, that’s a belter!’’.

But then reality hits me, eh? naeboady else is chucklin along. The hale room faws silent. Ah nervously scan acroass their pusses which confirms ah’ve goat three pair ae eyes burnin a hole straight through me.

‘’Too soon, eh?’’ ah utter, quietly.

Luckily, Aisha removes me fae the hotseat when her concentration lands back oan her wee boay.

 ‘’If you have a problem at school, you tell a teacher’’ she explains tae him, sternly. ‘’Or you speak to me or your dad. What you don’t do is hit one of your classmates. Violence is never the answer. I’m so disappointed in you, Imran’’.

 ‘’I’m sorry I let you down mum’’ he manages tae say, almost teary eyed.  ‘’But I just did what Uncle Aldo told me to do’’.

Panic instantly sets in. Nae question this situation hus goat a little too sticky fur ma taste. And ah kin feel beads ae sweat start rollin doon ma handsome puss. Especially when ah cloack Aisha sizin me up fur a vocal castration. Her face hus droapped faster than Ed Sheerhan’s rep. She gits up aw close and personal. Clearly possessin the eyes ae some mad bastard who’s only jist been paroled fae The Royal ED.

‘’You told him to hit another child?’’ she says, seethin through clenched teeth. ‘’I can’t believe what I’m hearing’’.

Ah decide tae pick ma baws oaff the flair and fight back, ‘’Ah’m the boay’s uncle. He telt me he wis gittin grief at school. So, ah jist gave him a few pointers. Lit me guess, eh? you and Dr Dolittle wida suggested that he settles his differences wae the other laddie via a spellin bee?’’.

And that’s when it registers tae me that Bruce hus switched teams withoot even leavin a fitprint. He’s stood proudly side by side wae ma nippy sister. Gien me the maist pissed oaff ae glares yuv ever seen in yur puff. That’s typical Brucie, ah tell massel. Soon a yin ae our masterplans spectacularly goes sideways. He bails oan me.

‘’Dinnae take the moral high ground wae me Bruce’’ ah tell him. ‘’You were the yin eggin me oan. You wanted a piece ae that bully yursel’’.

Aisha quickly jumps tae his defence, ‘’Don’t you dare slander Bruce’s good name. He would never condone such behaviour. God knows why but Imran looks up to you. Which is why it’s vitally important that you set the right example. You can take him to Joshua’s house to apologise in person’’.

Ma mooth opens but nuttin spills oot. But seein how ah’m clearly fightin a losin battle ah reluctantly find massel bowin tae their demands.

‘’Fine! Fuck it!’’ ah declare, jumpin up fae ma seat. ‘’Ah’ll dae it. Ah’ll go round tae this wee bastards hoose”.

It’s a quiet fifteen-minute drive tae The Grange. Due tae me bein alone in ma thoats as tae how exactly ah'm gonnae approach this rather awkward predicament ah've inadvertently pit massel in. Wee Imran hus been as quiet as ah've been, n aw. Probably wonderin and worryin aboot what might happen when we reach our destination. And as suddenly as that. Here we are. Plonked right ootside the front door ae the yin they caw, Joshua. The vindictive wee cunt, that he is. However, aa instructed by ma sis. Ah come in peace.

‘’Do I really need to apologise Uncle, Aldo?’’ Imran whispers tae me, softly.

‘’Aye, jist dae as yur mum asks” ah tell him. “Cos apparently diplomacy is the done hing efter you’ve jist lamped someboady. And even though this is aw new tae me. Jist follae ma lead and everything will be fine, son’’.

Soon as wur stood ootside the hoose ah press the buzzer. Keepin ma finger oan it until ah kin hear movement fae inside. And, in a jiffy, the door flies open. Standin directly in front ae me is this tall, muscular lookin cunt. Who’s sportin a bushy beard. Prick kindae reminds me ae a prize fighter. Yin ae they heavy handed bastards who revel in The Octagon.

‘’Can I help you?’’ he asks, in a strong deep voice. That’s goat intended menace behind it.

‘’Aye, mate’’ ah say, politely. ‘’My name is Aldo and I’m Imrans uncle’’.

‘’Okay” he says. “And what the bloody hell do you guys want?’’.

‘’Well, Imran here jist wants tae apologies tae yur son. He’s come tae make amends fur huvin unintentionally punched fuck oot him. So gone jist tell wee Joshua tae git oot here and then we’ll be oan our wey’’.

At this he comes forward. Rammin his finger firmly intae ma chist, ‘’Why would my son want an apology from the little bastard? And for your information it was a lucky punch. Who knows maybe tomorrow it will be your nephew with the black eye. What do you think about that?’’.

Ah take a deep breath. Tryin ma best tae stey level heided. Aisha’s words aboot settin an gid example fur Imran are still ringin loudly in ma ears.

‘’Mate’’ ah say, through a tense laugh. ‘’You’ve goat nae idea how hard this is fur me. Takin that attitude isnae gonnae help the situation. Jist fetch yur laddie and Imran will say sorry. Then we kin aw leave and that’ll be the end ae it. Ah implore you tae listen tae me’’.

‘’Well, I’ll tell you what’s going to happen, shall I?’’ he spills. Aw smug and confident. ‘’You’re going to take your nephew and that fleabag mutt and get off my property. That would be the best for all concerned. Before someone gets seriously hurt. I should probably also add that I happen to be the Scottish Golden Gloves Heavyweight champion. Take my advice and walk away now whilst you still have the legs to carry you’’.

Ah ken that remark will cut deep intae Bruce. There’s no an animal wae four paws who’s goat better personal groomin than ma boay.

‘’Golden Gloves, what?’’ ah utter, soondin confused.

‘’You fucking heard!’’ he snaps. Palpable rage fillin his eyes.

At this point in the conversation ah turn tae Bruce who’s busy noddin approvingly. As if tae say ‘’If you dinnae soart him, da. Then ah fuckin will’’. Ah smile back at him before ah square oaff wae Ivan Drago.

‘’Okay” ah say. “Yae wannae hear ma answer chump…sorry ah meant champ. Why dae you no jist fuckin try me?’’.