Learning To Love Myself

By adbates

Tue, 27 Jan 2015
  • 1309 reads
5 comments
 

Nobody asked me if I wanted to spend my night

hunched over a toilet giving up my dinner, desserts, and snacks

What you asked me is if I loved the way I look

Did I honestly like myself?

Everyone gave me disgusted looks and you turned away as I grabbed another potato chip

Obviously my answer was "No, of course I don't love myself"

You seemed so proud each time a pound disappeared with a flush

You finally loved me a little more. A little more than you did before.

A little more than I thought I deserved.

I was hungry. I was hungry for food.

But I was hungrier for a little more love and praise. 

I was hungry for a little control. 

Starving yourself takes so much control. It takes control I never had.

Eating the entire Thanksgiving dinner takes nothing but a bit of your dignity. 

Do you know how to get it back?

By giving up the dinner after you already so greedily took. 

You thought I was miraculously losing weight. You thought my dropping dress size was a work of God.

The latest magic show in the city: The Disappearing Fat. 

Nobody asked me if I wanted an eating disorder. 

But I did. I thought I’d feel better. And I did. 

And nobody told me that the answer to 

"do you even love yourself?"

could actually be

"Yes, I do. I love myself so much."

I had to learn that on my own. 

I had to learn that while choking on my own vomit 

surrounded by empty bags of Cake Donettes 

and an empty bowl of Cheerios.

I had to learn that while using brown paper in school bathrooms

to absorb the blood bubbling up on my wrist

so that I won’t be late to History.

I had to learn that as you complained about how fat you are

to your salad with lemon juice dressing

I had to learn that as you reminded me

(for the sixth time that week) 

that you haven’t been my weight since you were pregnant. 

You were saying that to me 30 pounds ago, Mom. 

I had to learn that I’m allowed to love myself without conditions.

I had to learn that there won’t always be boys to tell me my worth. 

I had to learn to be my own damn teacher. 

I love myself, Mom. Do you? 

Certificate 12
Poem
Rant
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by CS_Anders on

Whoa, this hits hard. Good job! The specificity of your imagery is awesome.

A couple suggestions (if you're looking for them):

The line "And Nobody fucking told me that when you asked me If I loved myself I was allowed to say" could be shortened or broken into multiple lines. It reads in a sort of jumbled way as is.

You could also break up this line "I had to learn that as I listened to you complain about how fat you are to your salad with lemon juice dressing." If "to your salad with lemon juice dressing" was its own line, it might add extra irony.

I'm not sure you need to all-caps the parts about loving yourself. I wonder if lower case with a couple bolded words might achieve a similar, but more subtle effect. Maybe, "no of course I don't love myself" and "Yes I do. I love myself so much."

Keep writing please!

 

Submitted by adbates on

Thank you so much! I actually post all of my writing on a tumblr blog and was wondering why I hadn't posted this poem but now realize it's because I never bothered to edit this piece. I will definitely take your suggestions into account as I edit it. 

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Powerful stuff!  Full of pain and anger and longing.  Would be interesting to hear the mother's perspective.

Submitted by maggyvaneijk on

I agree with the above, this is very powerful, you just want to wrap your arms around the speaker. 

 

Submitted by london_calling79 on

Very powerful but I do agree with previous post that it could do with clipping. I read this after reading your more recent poem 'Am I okay?' and I think it was much more impactful due to the economy of the language.