Closing Remarks (A &; M 3)

Melissa had a habit, usually when she was out drinking, of putting
her mobile telephone into her bag without locking the keypad. This
resulted in the phone making calls all on its own, as it came into
contact with things such as lipstick, payslips and chequebooks. The
recipient of the call would be treated to listening to the interior
movements of Melissa's bag, and muffled noises of the joviality
outside; Melissa's laughter, cigarettes being lit, toasts being made
and glasses chinking together. Cheers.

It seemed that the phone usually called, unintentionally, the last
person that Melissa had intentionally called. Frequently the recipient
was Aaron. He didn't know what ratio of these calls he got, but there
had been one or two before this occasion, in early November. And this
time he did as he did on all the other times. He killed the call, and
then called her straight back. No answer. Voice mail. He left no
message, then tried again, only to get the same outcome, and so he gave
up for now.

Aaron wasn't so happy with Melissa on this Friday evening. He wanted
her to be with him, but she was not. She was at someone's retirement
celebration with other people from work.

"So, are you coming down on Friday?" he had asked.
"Well, can I come on Saturday morning? I really want to go to this
retirement thing."
"But Mel. You're going away next week."
"I'll only be away for three weeks, or so."
"Well, I know, but that's a long time," he had said.
"But I really want to go. I promise to 'rock up' really early on
Saturday morning," she said, trying to joke off the tension.
"No you won't. You'll go out and get drunk, and then you won't want to
get up early."
"I won't Aaron. I won't get drunk and I'll be there early," she had
reassured
"Well, I don't see the point in you going to the retirement do
then."
"Why not?" Melissa had asked.
"Because if you don't drink you won't enjoy yourself."

Shortly after the unintentional call Melissa picked her phone out from
her bag and called Aaron. It was around 8.30pm, and he had just got to
the pub.

"Hello baby," she said.
"Hi. How are you?"
"I'm fine," she said, "how are you?"
"More sober than you. I thought you weren't going to drink?"
"Well, just a little. Don't be angry with me. You're my baby."
"Well, I just wish I was with you," Aaron told her.
"You should have come up here then."
"I didn't know I was invited."
"Of course you are. It's not like before. We talked about that. We're
together, and you are invited everywhere with me."

Aaron felt better for this conversation, and he got back to having a
few drinks with his father, sister and brother-in-law. It seemed that
it wasn't that Melissa didn't want to be with him, but that she really
wanted to be at this party.

It was around 11.30pm when Melissa sent Aaron a text message, before
placing her mobile back in her bag without locking the keypad. The text
read:

Can't wait to see you tomorrow. I love you baby.

Moment's later Melissa's telephone came into collision with some item
inside her bag and Aaron was treated to listening to the party from
inside the black leather handbag. He called her back and listened to
the phone ring, then finally diverting to voice mail.

"Oh, why don't you ever answer your phone!" was the message he left,
annoyed by the call, reinvigorating his annoyance at not being with
her.

In the morning when Aaron woke he checked his phone, and saw that he
had missed one call in his sleep, and had received one answer phone
message.

The call had been at 1.30am and the message on his answer phone was
from the inside of Melissa's bag, the call being diverted to the answer
phone, as he hadn't been woken by the ringing. It must have called him
as she was searching for her keys to go in her flat, and then it
continued until Aaron's message centre cut it off a few minutes later.
As Aaron listened to the message he could hear Melissa going into her
flat, closing the door, saying "Shhhh, they may be still up," with a
deep drunkenness. And then, "Oh. Hi Will, I am bringing home Richard.
He's a very drunk man. He's my boss, but he's still drunk." Aaron
presumed that she then put her bag down, and perhaps closed the door to
lounge, as the noises from the flat were now quieter,
undistinguishable, yet still there, until the message cut off.

Melissa called him from the train on her way down to him, slightly
later that morning.

"Are you on the train already," he asked, "you must have got up
early?"
"Well, I said I would, didn't I?"
"You did. But you also said you wouldn't get drunk."
"I didn't really. Just a few glasses of wine," Melissa told him.
"Mel. I heard you. Your phone rang me at 1.30. You were just getting
in. And you were drunk. And you were with Richard! What was he doing
there?"
"He was too drunk to go home," she responded.
"What, and you were the fittest person to look after him?"
"I don't know, and anyway, that wasn't a very nice message you left
me."
"Well Melissa, when your phone called me at 1.30, it wasn't the first
time. OK? I was ringing to tell you to lock the keys, or turn the
bloody thing off."
"OK, OK," she said.

He collected her from the train, where on the platform they hugged
loosely, and she kissed his cheek. Climbing into his car she
said,

"Can we go somewhere and talk?"
"Talk?" he said. "What about?"
"I don't know. We just need to talk."
"Where'd you want to go?"
"I don't know. Anywhere. A pub. With food?"
"Hungry are you?" he asked.
"You know me Aaron."
"It's only 11.30. I'm not sure pubs will have food yet."
"Well, lets just try."

Entering the pub, that was dark and empty apart from the bar maid,
Melissa asked if they were serving food? She was told that they started
at 12.30, so she ordered a coke and an orange juice. Sitting down Aaron
said,

"OK, what shall we talk about?"
"Aaron," she said, cupping her forehead in her hand, "I have a heavy
heart."
"Right," he said, with a fear growing inside.
"This isn't working Aaron."
"What isn't?" he asked, knowing the answer.
"Us. Something isn't right, and I think you know it too."

Aaron was suddenly in a place he didn't recognise, with no one there
that he knew, as her words came at him, bewildering him, trying to
force tears up to his eyes. All he could think in this place was,

Where is this coming from? I did not see this coming? Why didn't I know
this was coming?

"Aaron," she said, trying to take his hand that he pulled away, "say
something."
"I don't know what to say."
"You must have known things were not right."
"I didn't. I mean, you told me you loved me last night," he said
without looking at her.
"I know, I'm sorry."
"So, you lied?" he asked, raising his tone.
"No."
"Well, what then?"
"It's not a case of whether I love you."
"Well what on Earth is it then? That's exactly the case."
"It's not Aaron. I can love you without thinking we should spend the
rest of our lives together."
"Melissa," he said, shocked and confused, "you had me ringing up about
flats a couple of days ago. Yesterday you asked me if I was making a
start on our bed, and now you are saying you don't want to be with
me?"
"Yes, I know, but I so wanted it to work that I was trying to convince
myself. But now I can't."

Back in his car now, as he drove her back to the station,
"So, what has changed in the last few hours then? To make you say this
to me this morning?" Aaron asked her as she was breaking down in tears,
shaking.
"Oh, Aaron. Nothing. It's just I was out last night and it was nice and
everything, and then I got your message that was horrible. And I just
didn't want to come. I wanted to run away and be on my own."
"And nothing else happened?" he almost sneered, not believing what she
was saying, what he was hearing.
"No, it didn't. You know that I am going away? Well, I'm looking
forward to it, being on my own, and that is not the right feeling. I
just want to be alone."
"So, you didn't sleep with Richard last night?"
"No. I wouldn't do that to you."
"Why not? It seems you would do anything else!"
"Aaron. This isn't because of anyone else. It's because of us. You know
we don't always get on."
"Where did he sleep then?"
"On the floor in the lounge. What's that got to with it?"
"What's that got to do with it? Quite a bloody lot I should
think."
"No it hasn't," Melissa told him, as firmly as she could through her
tears.
"And where did you sleep then?"
"In my bed of course!" she shouted at him. Then trying to calm, "look,
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout, but this has nothing to do with
anyone else, so I'm not going to let you make up reasons in your head.
That won't do either of us any good."
"Well, excuse me for trying to make some sense of this. But we have
been doing well recently. I thought things were getting better, then
suddenly, the morning after telling me you love me, you tell me it's
over?"
"I know, I know. I'm crap."
"No you are not. There has to be a reason."
"There is. It's you and me. We are not right, and haven't been for a
while. And surely it's better for me to do this now, than after we've
moved in together, made more commitments?"

They were at the station by now, and Aaron had guided the car into the
drop off zone.

"Mel, we've already made commitments. We are supposed to be engaged. I
thought you wanted to marry me? You made me ask you."

Melissa made no response.

"So, when did things start going wrong for you, then? Was it last
weekend when you sat at the table with my parents and told them how
wonderful it was going to be when we got our place? When you told them
you wanted me to make a bar for our flat, and a bloody four post bed?
Was it the week before when you told me you wanted me to come to
Singapore, and paid for my ticket? Was it last night when you told me
we are together and that I'm invited everywhere with you?"

"Aaron," she said, trying to take his hand again. Once again pulled it
away, shouting and crying,
"What good is that going to do?"
"I don't know. I just want to make you alright."
"Well, I'm not alright, am I? And I don't see how holding my hand is
going to stop my heart from breaking, stop me from looking a
fool."
"You don't look a fool," Melissa said.
"Of course I bloody do. Everyone knows our plans, and now you are just
going to walk away and leave me in the middle of it."
"You are not a fool. You are the kindest man I've ever known. If
anyone, I'm the fool."
"Don't do it then. Stay with me, and we can make things fine," he
pleaded with her.
"I can't Aaron. You know how I've been. I'm not right. I'm not in
control anymore, and that's just not me."

Over the next five or six weeks they were in regular contact. Emails
and telephone calls. Initially Aaron just kept asking her to come back,
and they would both get upset, and she would say that she couldn't.
While she was away with work Aaron went away for a while to his
brother's in Denmark. It did him some good to change the view outside
the window, and he thought of staying longer, but he knew he had to get
back home, if he had any chance of getting back with Melissa. The
change outside didn't alter what was inside him.

They met up once to exchange the few belongings that they had of each
other's, and he asked her to love him again, but she said that she
could not, and Aaron realised that she was not coming back and that he
had to shut it off until it went away.

His mood was in a state a flux. One day he would be calm, or just
upset. Other days his anxiety would grow, and he would demand reasons
from her.

"Did you have sex with Richard that night?" he asked her on the
telephone one night, standing on his sister's drive way, shaking with
the cold and the turmoil within.
"No Aaron. I've told you."
"Did you think about? Were you tempted? Is that it?"
"Look. You've got to stop this. It's going to tear us both apart.
Making things up like this."
"So, what did you talk about then? Did you talk about the two of
you?"
"No."
"And where did he sleep?"
"He slept in my bed. And I slept in the lounge."
"Why did you do that?" Aaron asked.
"Because I'm a good host? I don't know!"
"So why did you tell me that he slept in the lounge? Why did you
lie?"
"I don't know Aaron. Because I knew you would be like this, I
suppose."
"It's hardly any surprise, is it?"
"I don't know, but I know you've got to stop this."

There was a pause.

"So, are you together yet? You and Richard, out in the open?"
"No Aaron. We are not. That's not what I'm looking for right now. I
just want to be on my own for a while."
"So, you're going to be in the future?"
"I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Do I?"
"But you've thought about it?"
"I'm not going to lie. Richard is somebody that I like."
"So, you do fancy him?"
"It's not a case of that," Melissa told Aaron down the telephone,
wishing him away.
"And what is it a case of then?"
"Well, he's my boss. It's awkward. I don't know what is going to happen
in the future," Melissa said.