To see when it would get brighter

To see when it would get brighter.

by Alex Baxter

It was March, a shivering cold white morning. She left for work at ten
to seven. I heard her crashing about the kitchen, making her bloody
coffee. I heard her storm out, she banged the front door twice. Same
fucking palaver every morning. That bitch couldn't do anything quietly.
I heard the car start up, she ground the gears as she flung it into
reverse, spitting gravel and venom. I heard her pull away too fast and
go off down the road. I hated the way she drove. I hated the way she
did everything .
I tip toed into the kitchen so as not to wake Sally. I'd hidden sixteen
red roses in the cleaning cupboard under the kitchen sink. I knew they
wouldn't be found there, not by anyone. None of us was that clean to
need anything from the cleaning cupboard. They were good roses, blood
red and firm, buds thrusting violently. I got them from out behind the
bleach and unused dusty cleaning products and walked back down the hall
and crept under Sally's door. It was torn off it's hinges, she just
propped it up against the frame to keep her mother out. Sally was still
asleep, she was a deep sleeper. I put the roses next to her, against
the wall. She hadn't heard me. I was quiet as a mouse and climbed in
next to her. She was very warm from sleep, naked, dormant. I crept up
close to her as she started to stir. I put my arms round her and put my
mouth next to her ear. "Happy Birthday" I whispered as I kissed her.
She wrapped her arms and legs around me and kissed me back. She saw the
roses and smiled, she was happy, it was her sixteenth birthday. We'd
waited ages for this day. She'd wanted to do it ages ago but I made her
wait. I wanted her on the point of ripeness and this was it. We made
love, bare and real. That was what she wanted. I wanted it too.
Afterwards we lay, smelling the roses and kissing. "I love you " she
said. We'd taken the big step. I knew at the time it would be
important. It was a big thing, the wheel was turning, there was no
going back now. I left her in bed sleeping, clutching her roses, they
sleep a lot these teenagers. I loved her too now. I had a cup of tea
and a cigarette. I could smell Sally's sex all over me, I'd better get
clean because she would be back soon. I showered and dressed.

She came back in a foul mood. She always was when she got back from
work, she cleaned in a local pub on Sundays and her Scottish boss
bullied her in a subtle tartan way. I told her it was a stupid job but
she did it anyway. I was just glad she was out of the bloody house for
a bit. She opened a bottle of wine when she got in, as always.
"You're up early" she snarled
"I've got to get Sally a birthday present. What shall I get her?"
"Oh I don't bloody know, anything, I'm going to cook her lunch. Get me
some more
wine if you're going out."
"I'm not getting you anything."
She yelled obscenities at me as I left the house. I walked down the
shop and got Sally a birthday card and a box of maltesers. She liked
maltesers. I walked around the village for a bit, had a black and tan
with the old gits in The Mitre. When I got back she was making the
lunch and making a fucking mess of it. She'd already drunk two bottles
of wine and the third was nearly dead. The lunch was a mess, a sloppy,
hard undercooked mess. She couldn't be fucked to wait for things to
cook, she didn't have the patience. She never ate anyway, some
alcoholics don't, she just went through the motions, she lived off
white wine and prescription vitamin pills. Sally ate her meal in bed. I
heard a crash as Sally threw hers against the bedroom wall. I heard the
plate smash and imagined the food dripping down the wall. Me and her
ate ours in the lounge. We sat in silence, both poking at the
gelatinous food. I did my best to eat some of it. We both started
laughing. She looked at me. "Everything's fucked up isn't it?"
I said yes while still laughing. She was right, everything was fucked
up but it didn't matter. No one could do anything about it. Evil has
its own momentum, too strong for weak people to deter or prevent, it
just escalates. Sally stayed in bed all day. She just lay smiling,
holding her roses.

I moped about the house, found a leftover acid tab in one of my shirt
pockets and took it. Went out and washed my truck for four hours,
sloshing and soaking, foaming and scrubbing, trying to fuse my mind
with the bodywork of the truck, trying to assimilate it. My fingers
were sore and shrunk from the water. I lay on the lawn and smoked a
couple of joints, trying to slow my brain down. The neighbours peeked
disapprovingly from behind curtains. We were the neighbours from hell
and there was nothing anybody could do about it, the noise, the bad
language, the drunkenness and the fighting, just the general
unpleasantness that comes with people who drink too much. The old
drunk, her druggy toyboy and her reckless teenage daughter. We aired
our dirty linen in public. Everyone in the block had problems, but ours
seemed to manifest themselves more publicly. We were always on show.
She had drunk four bottles of wine by the time I went back in. She had
that look in her eyes. I'd probably have to hit her later, or Sally
would. It looked like it was going to be one of those nights. Evil
sweated from every wall. I took Sally in a cup of tea. I sat on the
edge of her bed. We sat holding hands, like you do when visiting
somebody in hospital. She pulled me close and stuck her tongue in my
mouth. It was hot and sweet from the tea. I wanted to get back into bed
with her.
I went outside again and lay on the lawn. It began to rain but I didn't
care. I let it rain down on me. A canine walked past and looked at me,
its owner shook his head and went back into the flats. It was Sally's
birthday, she was sixteen years old. She would be mine soon. I came
back in wet.
She was lying on our bed lizard eyed and drunk, smoke curling up from
her poisonous mouth. "What have you been doing wandering about in the
rain? come to bed darling." She smiled like a crocodile, like someone
guarding its prey. I undressed and got into bed. I didn't want to but I
had to anyway. I listened to the rain. It was really hammering down. I
wished I was outside lying under it. I shivered as she touched me but
she was too drunk to notice. The smell of cheap white wine strangling
me. She began to touch me but I pushed her away. She wasn't having any
of that nonsense. Oh no. I lay there still as she fucked me, trying not
to smell her. She rocked back and forth, using me, her eyes closed. I
stuck my fingers up at her. I thought of Sally next door. Sally told me
that she listened and wished it was her and me. Today it had been her,
but not tonight. She got off and rolled over, taking a last swig from
the bottle before collapsing into a deep drunken sleep. One day it
would be the big sleep. I thought of Sally and smiled. Then I closed my
eyes, I wished my life was easier. I went into the lounge and sat in
the dark. Wondering how on earth things had gone so wrong, wondering
how I'd got into this awful situation. I listened to a Nina Simone
record that kept jumping. I smoked some cigarettes and drank some
coffee with a little brandy in it. I thought of going to sleep but knew
it would only be a couple of hours before I would wake to the sound of
banging doors and crashing cups and cupboards being emptied angrily,
fuck it, it wasn't worth going to sleep. I sat and waited. Breathing
quietly and slowly, watching the sky to see when it would get
brighter.