Indecent proposal

He screwed his eyes shut, took a deep breath, held it, and then blew out, his cheeks puffing up. His legs tingled as he bounced on the balls of his feet like an athlete preparing for a big race. His face in the hallway mirror was pasty white. Something flipped over in his stomach. For the thousandth time he took the small velvet box from his pocket, flicked it open, checked the ring was still there, then returned it to his pocket. He pumped his fists and growled a “C’mon Frank!” to his reflection. ‘The Eye of the Tiger’ played in his mind. He turned, opened the door, strode through and slammed it behind him.

****************************************

She was just thinking about taking a bath when the buzzer rang. A face loomed into the camera, grinning and its sticking tongue out. “Annie!” Linda warbled into the entry-phone. “Let me in!"

“Oh bloody hell,” Annie laughed and pressed the button to open the door.

Bidding farewell to her relaxing bath, she quickly put on jeans and a top before the pounding at the door started. “I demand entry! Don’t try to stop me, resistance is futile.”

Linda fell into the flat, throwing her arms round Annie, almost sending them both to the floor. “Sis,” she slurred, “I missed you so I’ve come to visit. Surprise!”

“Get off me, you great pillock,” she pushed her sister away, “What are you doing here, what happened to your date with that bloke? James?”

“Oh, James, James, James. Jim-Bob. Jim Lad,” Linda shook her head sadly. “Jimmy Boy is so so boring, sis.” She hand-mimed chatting. “Blah, blah, bloody, blah. OMG, Oh my god, so boring.

“Not a good night then?”

“Last bloody blind date I go on. I had to get pished just to cope and then even the booze wasn’t enough so I went to the loo and did a runner. Oh god, I’m terrible aren’t I?” she clasped her hand to her mouth and widened her eyes in mock horror. “He’s probably still sat there, poor sod.”

Annie hugged her. “Sounds like it wasn’t meant to be, love.”

Linda threw herself dramatically onto the sofa. “Can we drink gin and slag off men, please? Not that you need to, you’ve got Frank, you lucky cow. Oh, he’s not here is he? Hiding in the bathroom? Frank, come out, come out wherever you are,” she sang.

“No, you’re alright. Frank’s at his, tidying up for his mum and dad coming down tomorrow.”

“Oh yeah, the Big Dinner. Have you found out what that’s all about yet?”

“Nope, it’s going to be a surprise, apparently.”

“Ooh, how exciting,” Linda looked suddenly serious. “Where’s the gin?”

****************************************

Frank mentally rehearsed as he walked. Ring the bell. “Surprise!” into the entry-phone. Up the stairs, through the door, take her by the hand and lead her to the sofa. Down on one knee, hold the box out, flick it open and pop the question. She smiles, a tear in her eye, nods, they embrace, a long, lingering kiss, then adjourn to the bedroom. It was going to be perfect, what was he worried about?

****************************************

“Men,” Linda said meaningfully.

“Men?” Annie asked, the gin beginning to course through her.

“Why,” Linda waved her glass to indicate all men, “are they all so crap?”

“There are some good ones,” Annie said defensively.

“Yeah, true, Frank’s a good one. I’ll rephrase the question, your honour. Why are there so many crap ones?”

“Maybe,” pondered Annie. “Maybe, you have to go through a certain amount of crap men before a really good one comes along?”

“You reckon?”

“Well, I’ve definitely had some duds in my time. Remember Will?”

“Will of the wandering eyes.”

“Jesus, did that man ever look a woman in the eye?”

“At least it was only his eyes that wandered. What about Jonah the cheating bastard?”

Annie rolled her eyes. “Don’t remind me.”

“Oh, and that guy who wanted you to-“

“Yes, let’s not bring him up.”

“And didn’t he once try to-“

“Enough! Let’s stop talking about him now.”

“Sorry, sis. You’ve definitely served your time in the dating game. Gives me some hope. Maybe the road to Mr Right is just paved by many dickheads.”

****************************************

Turning the corner, Frank’s stomach lurched violently. Suddenly he was ten years old again, climbing the ladder to the high board, hearing the announcer call his name, sensing a sea of faces staring up at him. The feeling in his bowels of something shifting.

Onto the board and the dread realisation that he couldn’t stop what was going to happen. Recognising that the quickest way of escape was straight down. A few steps then leaping off, the moment when time seemed to stop then plummeting through the air, his bowels letting go as the pool rushed up to meet him. The water hum filled his ears then he inexorably rose to the surface to a maelstrom of screams and laughter. He cast about in the murky water for somewhere to hide. Tears streamed down his face.

Eventually he had to be helped out of the water by Miss Hartley, shivering cold, burning with shame, as the watching children were herded hurriedly out.

He hadn’t been swimming since.

****************************************

“So why is Frank so special then?”

Annie thought for a moment. “Well, he’s sweet, really sweet. And sensitive. He’s affectionate but not over the top soppy.”

“So far, so good. What else?”

“I trust him. He’s got a good job. He’s reliable. Steady.”

“How’s his...” Linda winked and whistled, “performance, eh?”

Annie laughed. “Perfectly satisfactory, thank you.”

“Details! I want sordid, sweaty details!”

Annie shook her head. “My lips are sealed. He’s a very dignified man and you should respect his privacy.”

****************************************

Desperate, Frank looked around the open expanse of the flats’ car park. Undoing his belt he shuffled behind a parked Mini. He dropped his trousers and fervently prayed that no one nearby could hear.

****************************************

Linda pulled out a pack of Silk Cut with a guilty look at Annie for permission.

“Oh go on then, but smoke out the window. I don’t want the flat reeking. You want some coffee?”

“Yeah, please, that’s a good idea. Ta.”

Linda opened the window and lit up. She heard Annie clattering in the kitchen. Dragging deeply on the cigarette she surveyed the night. Movement in the car park below caught her eye. She leaned out and choked on the smoke.

“Oh my God, Annie, look at this!”

“What is it?” Annie called from the kitchen.
“You’ve got to see this,”

“What have I got to see?” Annie came to the window holding the cafetiere.

“Look. Down there.”

Annie followed Linda’s pointing finger to where the light from the window gleamed off white buttocks beneath them.

“Bloody hell,” she laughed. “That is frickin’ gross, dude.”

“Deee-scusting,” pronounced Linda, then called out. “Oi, you!”

The pale cheeks jumped out of the light as the squatting figure toppled over into the bushes.
“Don’t forget to wipe your arse!” Linda yelled as he struggled out of the foliage, but her laughter died as the light shone onto Frank’s horrified face. “Oh shit,” she said.

Annie stared down at him; his wide eyes, mouth an anguished circle, hands fumbling with trousers. A simple question itself on her brain. Could they survive this?

She just didn’t know the answer.