The Princes of the Dark Ages At The Sea Side (Part Two)

THE BEACH WARDEN AND CNUT.

'So I says to him: "K-Nutty, or whatever you call yourself,

you can't just show up with your horde and trample all over

the sand, flattening the dunes and scaring the donkeys.

I don't care a fig if you do have Denmark and the nether coastlands

quaking under your imperial boot heel, as you put it.

It's not the done thing here. We've enough ASBO types

without wanting more brought in from Scandinavia,

thank you very much."

'They all laughed then and started sneering in Swedish.

But I stood me ground; you know me.

"If you was designated entertainers it would be different,"

I says. '"But then you'd need a license and Mr Fitchet's

Punch and Judy would always get prime position.

He's been here every season for thirty years as well,

and well, he's not a foreigner,see."

'Old K-Nutty don't like that. Gets in a strop and I think

he'll lop me nut off then, but no,

he tells his army to sod off and do some pillaging

(or maybe litter picking's what he said).

Gets all maudlin and takes out his two litre cider

and starts shouting at the sea.

You want to have seen him then!

Challenging the waves with his little sword.

All the old biddies on the prom egged him on.

"Go on, son," they shouted at him , and he did.

Pity you missed it all, Bill, but if you look careful

you can just see his point helmet above  the water

fifty yards out.