J) SONG AT 60

SONG AT 60

The heart is shocked to realise the child of six has reached this
size
The bright-eyed boy who brambled in the wild wood
Has somehow rambled into second childhood
These cards look just the same as long ago
But now the six is followed by an O

Oh to be 60 - it aint much fun
Just think of it - half of my life is done

Today I received my half price pass for the bus
Artificial dentures and a surgical truss
Free membership of the blind and lame
A hearing aid and a Zimmer frame

Today I received a licence
To tell the same boring story twice and then
Half an hour later tell it again
To have wrinkles and dewlaps and nightmare lurgies
A pot belly and sad funny urges
Trembling hands and rickety knees
And go on mad sexagenarian shoplifting sprees

Oh to be 60 - it aint much fun
Just think of it - half of my life is done

Today I got a card saying 60 is sexy
Tried it this morning - got apoplexy
Today I received a licence to drop dead in the street,
To have a stroke, a seizure or a fit
Or all three if I feel up to it

Today I received a statement
Offering me hip replacement,
A toupee in any shade of grey
And a record of Val Doonican singing "The Road to Mandalay,"
Halitotis, silicosis,
Thrombosis, sclerosis
And laxatives in enormous doses
And if I rabbit on too much
Myxamatosis

Today I received a license
To tell how I won the War
And how we grew up incredibly poor
We wore old sugar bags instead of socks
And all lived happily in one match box
But still for the price of one and six
We could buy a pint of beer, ten Woodbines
And a night at the flicks,
A ton of coal, a toad in the hole,
Fish and chips all round and a sausage roll
And still we didn't find it strange
To be given one and fivepence change

Oh to be 60 - it aint much fun
Just think of it - half of my life is done

Can this be true or will I wake
And see six candles on my cake?
And the bright-eyed boy who was lost in the wild wood
Find himself home in that clean bright childhood?

And on that haunting note I leave
Wiping snot on my ancient sleeve