Last Year

Last Year

It's been one whole year to the day. Remembering hurts but I had to
come, just like you.

"I don't know why I'm doing this," you mutter. I feel the heat of your
skin, I am that close to you as we walk along the cliff top, side by
side, just like we did last year. I look up at your face, your strong,
handsome face. You are frowning, looking through me, peering out to the
wild grey sea.

I know that look. You are trying to make sense of what happened. I
smile at you, and gently brush the hair out of your eyes, it has grown
so long of late, but the wind blows it right back again. I want to tell
you that everything is okay, but the wind steals my words, and I know
that you don't hear.

"What happened ?" You pause, and I lay a hand on your arm and you
shiver. "I can't help but blame myself for what happened. It was my
idea to come up to the cliff, to see if we could see any seals."
I nod and wrap my arms around my waist, trying to warm myself up. I
look out to sea and sure enough, there are two sleek grey heads peeking
out of the water.

"We didn't see any. I knew you were disappointed." You rake your
fingers through your hair. "I came here to say that I'm sorry. I'm
sorry that I brought you here, that we had that row about the seals,
that I walked off and left you."
Tears fill my eyes and I can't look at you anymore. Your voice is so
full of pain. I thought that I was over what happened but there is a
sense of panic welling inside me.

"You screamed at me as I walked off. You told me that you never wanted
to see me again. That you never really loved me."

You bow your head as if the memory is too much. You look past me again
and I know that what you say next is going to hurt me.

"I didn't turn back when you really started screaming at me. I just
thought you were just screaming more insults. I didn't realise what was
happening."

My breath catches in my throat and the tears pour down my face. The
same stomach churning, paralysing fear that I felt here exactly a year
ago sweeps through me again.

"It's only fair that you know." Know what, I want to ask, but the words
won't come. None of this is fair, but I have to listen.

"I've met someone else." My eyes widen and I stop breathing. "She
really helped me after what happened. She's been there for me through
everything."

I cover my eyes with my hands because I can't bear to look, I can't
bear to know what is going to happen next.

"I love her," you say simply.

There is nothing else to say. You walk as close to the edge of the
cliff as you dare, but it brings back memories of last year. You don't
go too close and you don't fall. Not like I did last year.

You couldn't bring me back this time last year. I can't bring you back
today.

"Goodbye," you say softly as you turn and walk away, just like last
year.