Me vs. You

I am me. You are you. This is extremely unfortunate for you, since I am the center of the universe. You are stuck in a permanent guest-starring role on my show; this is a pitiable situation. I am the constant center of attention. I know this because every morning I shower and put effort into making myself look presentable. I would not have to do these things if people were not always focused on me, searching for flaws in my appearance. You are not the center of attention; therefore, the preparation you put into your appearance is ultimately unnecessary. These must be disturbing truths to hear, and I apologize for causing any undue stress. Causing undue stress is a common side-effect of being the center of the universe; I hope you understand. If I were you, I probably would, but then I am not you. You are not me, I am not you, and I am sure you will see that this is for the best.

My tastes are infallible. Your tastes are usually wrong, with the notable exceptions of when they overlap with mine. Naturally, you should aspire to have likes and dislikes identical to mine, since mine are the answer key against which all others are graded. Unfortunately, you will invariably like some band, movie or book and not even know that you are wrong. I may try and save you from yourself and inform that you are wrong to like Nickelback, Transformers 2 or sweater vests, but it will rarely work. Fortunately, I am forgiving and content in my obvious rightness. You are you, and therefore will have the misfortune of being prone to these mistakes.

Regrettably, your wrong opinions will most likely not be limited to trivial matters of entertainment. You will have thoughts on politics and religion; however, these thoughts are of little to no consequence. My ideas on those two subjects are the only ones that truly matter as they are the only correct ones. You may try and present your thoughts as though they also matter, but you will look ridiculous because you are not me and therefore are unqualified to have opinions on either subject. I will not blame you when your political views differ from mine. Instead, I will know that you have been indoctrinated and either deprived of information or intelligence. Your religious beliefs are none of my business. My religious beliefs will probably lead me to pray that you will see the error of your ways.

Your life is a very sad thing. You are living lies, believing that you achieve the balance between being too rigid and too care-free, between labor and joy. Of course, it is impossible for you to have achieved either. This is because you are not me. My life is a blindingly beautiful thing. I, and only I, know the proper balances, between work and play, disorganization and fastidiousness. These are impossible for you to achieve because they are constantly changing, each one based upon how much I feel like cleaning that particular week or how much work I need to do. The world does not revolve around you, so your life will always be slightly off-kilter.

Your room will almost always be kept the wrong way, your walls the wrong color, your hopes the wrong hopes, and your dreams the wrong dreams.

After I dream the correct dreams in my room – kept in just the right way with the walls just the right color – I will wake up from the perfect amount of sleep and wonder what the right breakfast will be on this particular day. You will already be up, having slept the wrong amount of sleep, and will be preparing bacon and eggs. I will think about having bacon and eggs, and you will have the thrilling chance at eating the correct breakfast. Unluckily, I will choose cereal instead. The saddest part is that you will not even know that you were so close to eating the right food.

You are not me, I am not you, and those two facts make everything the way it is. You never really had a chance. This is not your world. This is my world, as seen through my eyes and my perspective. In this world, you cannot win any battle of me versus you, because you are you and I am me. These facts may upset you; upsetting people is a common side-effect of being the center of the universe. Take this as consolation: I only stay in this world because it is comfortable. I am too scared to leave it because I know there is a world where you are me and I am you, and in this world I have the wrong tastes and the wrong politics and wake up at the wrong times. This is why I will continue to be me and you continue to be you. I am sure that you will see that this is for the best.