Only Human

Do I regret having a baby young? Well, it’s complicated isn’t it? Never as cut n dried as that. I was 20 when I had my son, I was single, lonely with few qualifications and a sharp mind that was useless as far as I was concerned. It took me a long while to realize that it’s ok to feel “bad” things, like resentment, jealousy, loneliness sometimes. It gives your life a sense of value and you do appreciate the little things in life. Maybe the contrast was more stark to me because I went straight from working hard and partying hard to dedicating my entire existence to another human.

I had always planned to have kids, well, I was fairly sure that I had. Although I had envisaged it somewhat differently in my mind. For example, In my ideal world, I would have worked my way up the career ladder in my chosen profession, which at the time I had not yet found, I would have then married some nice guy who would not cheat and also have a good job. Our combined salaries would allow us to buy a large but not huge house and a nice car each and I would have gradually settled into the idea of motherhood and had a baby around the age of 27...IN MY HEAD that is. Of course reality for the most part, is a lot different to the way we plan it or see it...

So I was working as a waitress (not in a cocktail bar) it was strenuous and very physical, but good fun and the money and tips were great. Of course I blew all my money as soon as I got paid and never saved coz at that point in my life…why the hell would I want to? I hung out all night at bars with friends, went to clubs, danced, drank and woke up and did it all again in a continuous loop until I met my boyfriend at the time. We played house, cooked together, ate together, played x box together, went out with other couples and lived together by the end of our short relationship.

The same week I decided it was not working and that I did not have strong enough feelings to continue this relationship, I discovered I was pregnant. This sparked a whole new argument and we were both thrown into torment, him at the age of 23 me at 19.

We got back together for a while, and I had an abortion. it was decided that it was best by the doctor and him. I felt numb as soon as it was done and almost like the decision had been forced on me. I hadn’t even had time to think things over and it was done. I went a bit mad after that; drinking more, crying in bars, getting in fight and things were worse with my boyfriend. Shortly after that (2 weeks to be precise) I was taking my pill correctly and we had sex once and hey presto, I was pregnant again, Unbelievable.

As if I wasn’t devastated enough by the first. Now this,he told me (again) I had to get rid of it and there was no way it would work.I could not do it again, so we broke up for good and I was able to recognize what I considered a “sign” at the time,deicded that this baby WANTED to be born one way or another, so I went ahead with the pregnancy. I moved out that week and went to stay at my girl friends house there were 4 of us living there.

It was great, sisterhood, they took care of me, took me out, we are still friends to this day. My pregnancy was uncomfortable and full of sickness and fear. Fear of was I doing the right thing, was I being punished and many more questions that arose in my mind for the duration of these 9 months. Towards the 6th month I went to stay back with my mother, on the other side of the country, but I needed her and my stepfather to help me through this time. They really did.

I stayed with them for a short time until we found a little studio apartment. My mother and I painted it and made it look and feel as homely as a tiny little place like that could be and for the last month or so of my pregnancy I moved in there alone. This was new for me, I had always shared a flat/house apartment with at least one person and I didn’t like being alone with myself and my scary thoughts. So I read books, watched movies, wrote songs and poems did jigsaws, cried, talked on the phone all the time and as I had no car or indeed license at the time walked to the shops whenever I could drag my swollen self down there.

4 Days before my due date, I went to bed at about 1 am and fell asleep straight away. I awoke at 3:25 exactly without opening my eyes; it was like my instinct told me to awaken. A second or so later, ,my waters broke, it was a strange sensation just like a water balloon popping underwater I guess but gentle pop and of course the balloon was filled with water. Of sorts. So I got up and called my mum, the hospital and my girls, I told them and we stayed excitedly on the phone for 15 minutes until I got my first contraction.

It hurt and the came more and more regularly after that. Cut a long story short,7 hours to the minute later,Teo Jak was born into the world and I felt terrified. I made my mum hold him at first as I was in too much shock to realize what had actually happened. As time went on, Of course he became my precious little baby, who I would never exchange and would do anything for.

However If I had a magic wand, I would have made it so that I had had him with my current partner and I would have waited a couple more years so I could do some more partying. Even though it’s not over entirely the partying does get cut down unless you have a large trustworthy adoring family who offer to baby-sit every weekend or even in the week, Things are more difficult and even if I did have access to a 24/7 babysitter I wouldn’t now want to be apart from my little bunny. Even though he stresses me out and drives e crazy and takes my time and worries me when he is sick. He is beside all that, the sweetest thing on planet and nothing compare to the sound of his laugh, the sight of his smile or the feel of his little arms around my neck when he is giving me a squeeze.

I do want to have more and I don’t regret a moment of Teo’s life only maybe the mistakes I have made, but what ‘s the point of regret? It’s a wasted energy, as long as we learn from our mistakes and don’t keep repeating the stupid ones then I think you can cut yourself some slack. So do I feel resent sometimes that I cant go out? Well maybe a little in a night like tonight, new years eve, when I am stuck at home alone and in the mood for dressing up dancing and seeing people. Sure I do. But hey I’m only human and it’s only a feeling, a feeling that like most, will pass with time!