Southern Spain's nice...

Torremolinos
Grollymygreenos

What a hole. I honestly do not think I have been to such an uncultured,
frightening, yet mildly amusing town in my life. After booking into a
hotel, Daniel &; I decided to stroll into town to imbibe a couple of
libations. A blonde English bird called Natalie promptly accosted us.
It's raining hard.

'Yeah - well I fucking fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck.'

'Oh right.'

'Yeah - well fucking come down my fucking bar.'

'Maybe later. We fancy something to eat.'

'Yeah - well fucking do you fucking want a fucking greasy fucking
burger or a fucking kebab?'

'No - sushi would be delightful though.'

Natalie hollowed down the street at a couple of Chinese people. (Mock
Chinese cum Cockney accent of course),

'Is your fucking restaurant fucking open?'

'Yes'

''Ere boys. Go to that fucking restaurant for some fucking food, then
come to my fucking bar.'

To ease the young ladies somewhat tender frame of mind, we decided to
go to her bar first. On entry, there was a chorus of Queen's 'We Will
Rock You' by about 30 meat head looking blokes.

Fearing being 'a target' if we immediately walked back out, I ordered a
couple of beers &; we sat outside. Natalie continually frequented
out table, gibbered shite &; left. She introduced us to her fella,
Steve.

'Yeah - well - know what I fucking mean - yeah.'

I was astounded as to how on earth these two beings managed to pick up
such a 'Cockney' accent, as they came from Gillingham, Kent. After
being amazed &; annoyed at the amount of hollow conversation coming
from their mouths, we escaped.

Went to another boozer, that was full of brawdy Irish piss heads. 1
beer &; exito.

Finally, we found a nice, quiet pub &; had a game of Connect 4,
(which I won convincingly), then stumbled upon a salsa bar. The ladies
were angels &; there wasn't the smell of a Brit at all.
Lovely.

We ended up getting quite pissed on the 2 beers we had there.
Unfortunately, young Daniel was a tad tuckered out, so I begrudgingly
moseyed on back to the hotel. Quite lucky in hindsight, as I'm sure I
would have asked one of the fairer sex to dance &; was bound to have
made a fool of myself.

On waking the following morning, we heard the fateful thud of more
rain.

'Time to get out of here.'

After a quick sloosh up, we popped to a caf? for ham &; cheese
baguettes &; some orange juice. 'Grande' is what I asked for &;
grande is what we got. About 4 pints each. I could feel my bones
becoming brittle through the overdose of vitamin C.

Taxi to Malaga, then booked a bus to Nerja. One of our friends, Chief,
recommends this place &; reckons it's easy to score the herb off
local Moroccans.

Saw an amusement arcade called 'FAIRPLAY - The Poseidon Palace', so out
popped my FP tattoo acquired in Venezuela &; a jolly photo session
ensued.

Whilst waiting for our bus, I noticed a suede headed chap, continually
staring at me. I thought it was due to my exceedingly loud voice, but
that presumption was wrong. We all hopped onto the bus &; Daniel
&; I made our way to the back. Whilst sitting, the chap checked me
out again, so I gave him the obligatory thumbs up &; cheezer.

He promptly scurried upto us &; asked for some Rizla. I handed him a
packet &; he promptly skinned up a one skin. Sparked up, then got
told by the driver to put it out. He then told me that I was a
beautiful man. Next, a roguish looking piece of vermin got on &; sat
on the back seat, next to us all. Took his shoes off &; got his
chest out.

Dan pretended to be asleep, whilst I chatted in Spanglish to these two
eager chaps. Suede boy introduced himself as Pepe &; said that my
eyes were beautiful &; that he wanted them. Back Seat Bwoy was also
called Pepe &; asked whether we were German. After a negative
response, he asked Pillow Biting Pepe whether he was German. Another
no, so he asked whether we were in Germany.

Whilst this gibber was going on, Dan still faking sleep, I just felt a
continual gaze in my direction from P.B.P.

I asked the chaps whether they wanted to know my name, but PBP promptly
said,

'I don't care what your name is, I just want your eeeyyyyeeeesss'

It was coming close to PBP's stop, so he invited Daniel &; myself
back to his pad for, 'One, two, three, four cigarettes.' After which he
would have driven us to a hotel in Nerja. I was tempted, as my need for
hashish far outweighed my anal canals security, but Dan said a big no,
no.

PBP eventually got off the bus, after the twentieth comment about my
lovely, dark ringed eyes. On exit, Back Seat Pepe showed him the middle
finger, then pronounced,

'Looky, looky, looky.'

He then proceeded to show us wanking, gobbling, then fucking motions.
Beat his heart a couple of times. Snorted, said 'No. Pretended to skin
up, counted to 3 on his fingers, then said bueno.

He asked me to explain this all to Daniel, so I came up with absolute
spiel, whilst freak boy was doing the actions. Once explained, he gave
us both a prolonged cuddle &; hopped off the bus, only to make the
same gestures to us from the street.

20 minutes later, we reached Nerja.