Vacuum - July 04 2002

So I am up early again, so I can have time to all the things I need
to do, like going online and writing my journal and the handwritten
diary that I also keep. I remember when I was much younger attempting
to tear my diary in half because I was going through a bad patch
emotionally, and yet after ripping the cover I thought this was stupid
and stuck it back together with sellotape. I wonder if I was trying to
tear up my life at the time because I wasn't having much fun.

When you are invisible nobody knows you are there, and one thing you
have to remember is that if you are invisible you can see and hear a
lot of things you would otherwise not, and sometimes you hear things
that might get at you emotionally. It's the same story with a girl and
her friend and a boy. The girl's friends knows the boy but they are not
going out. The girl has a pash on the boy but she doesn't know what the
boy thinks of her. So she asks her friend, who then earwigs in on a
conversation and later reports back. Now, what if the friend also has a
pash on the boy? What does she say? Does she tell the girl the truth or
does she make up a story that he, the boy, doesn't much care for
her.

At work yesterday we had a power outage at lunchtime, so all the PCs
and servers had to be taken off line and powered down, except the
servers were running on UPS. So in the server room the boxes are still
on as are the hubs and switches but everywhere else it is dark, and the
office is empty because everyone has gone down the pub, except us,
because we are IT folk and have to stay to put the servers back online
when it is done. I rang ... for a chat just to say hi, how are you.Then
I rushed off to get my sandwiches, today from Boots, and when I came
back the poewer came on so I could check out some stuff online once
more. The company may start logging everything we do online, including
what sites we visit and when, which is why I dont' use the net till
lunchtime and sometimes after work as well. I can see why they need to
log everything but I still resent the fact that unlike the telephone
there is no reasonable use policy...

One of my sites was on a server that got hit by a worm virus similar to
the code red one last year, but since a) I haven't done much with the
site and b) the outage occurred at midnight, I wasn't that bothered. I
guess I might have been if I had been running on online ezine or a
commerce site.

I have been criticised for being too self obsessed of late, and always
talking about what I am doing and not showing much interest in what
others are doing or may have done recently. It is too easy to
accumulate bags of emotion that I carry around on a small electric
powered handcart and I need to burn those bags and reconstruct myself.
But I wonder if we can all truly burn our bags. Dont they make us what
we are? Are we not a gestalt of experiences and emotions? I think we
all have to grow emotionally. What happens to us is what makes us "us".
If we were cold emotionless robots with no feelings or hopes and fears
it would be a pretty dull place to live in I think. A place where
everything is ruled by logic instead of love. Where nobody shares with
each other because nobody wants to share. A friend, a true friend would
never stab you in the back when you are not there, but if you are a
true friend back you let it pass, because they know not what they do,
indeed they may have their own bags to rummage through. And as a friend
we should help carry each others bags. I am not sure that metaphor
works but it is something I feel strongly about.

Later on that afternoon (03) we found out that all of us IT folk along
with server accounts had mysteriously been deleted from the Admin
Group, which meant we couldn't even set up users email accounts as we
had insufficient rights. But it is sorted now. I got in at 6.30, played
the guitar, and then went online. Later I chatted to ... and found out
that ... had been online as well. I like talking to ... I consider them
special. But I don't agree that others should interpret how special
they may be.

Sometimes it is better to keep a low profile and listen than it is to
stand on the stage and shout. Sometimes if you end up on stage it is
purely bravado and you would otherwise wish to be somewhere at the bar
drinking your thoughts instead.

This morning I saw a fox looking outside my window, they were thin and
scrawny, and then they were gone. I wonder if foxes are lucky? My wife
said that yesterday morning the Longhair came in from his morning walk
looking like he had been swimming or give a bath, she said he looked
quite strange as he hopped up on the bed soaked and sat there blinking
at her like he does. Tabby does not like him, always makes the point of
showing him who is boss, but the Longhair being younger doesn't
understand, I think he likes Tabby and wants to be his friend. In fact
one time when another cat, a visitor, we call Jasper was fighting with
Tabby, Longhair just bulled his way in and had a scrap. It may be he
just likes to fight, or it may be that he was worried about his
friend.

Ambitions: to run my own radio show and to have a magazine. Sometimes I
write down things I think are achievable or will nver be achieved.
Strangely, some of the things I have written down in the past have
happened, even though I never expected them too. You put local bands on
the radio and get people to listen, and you get breweries to sponsor
the show, because the band then plays their pubs. There is nver enough
exposure for new bands because commercial radio has sponsors and
therefore they have to play what people want to hear even if the band
may be potentially a new Beatles or Stones, they don't care, they see
profit as more important. With a magazine you have a platform for
discussion and writing. Writers add their own gestalt to the mix, and
everyone goes out and buys a copy.

Love is a many splendoured thing, you see.