X - Ray Visions - August 08 2002

06.46am, it is quiet in the house at present, my wife is still
asleep, the cats have been fed, and for a change did not even consider
arguing about the quality of the food (mainly cause I gave them a fresh
tin), and I am listening to In The City for a change. As I write this,
the powermac is playing "Time For Truth".

Outside the garden is a jungle, and there are foxes living at the
bottom of the garden. It is like a piece of wilderness. But at the end
of the month it will be bulldozed (well not literally) but we will
spend over ?700 getting it sorted out. Longhair is asleep near the
window again.

Yesterday (07) I went to work as usual and spent the morning doing the
tapes and checking the reports I prepare monthly for management and
senior staff. At lunchtime I rang Erin, but got no reply. I had
messaged once and then after half an hour messaged again, except this
time, I quote lyrics by the Who (subsequently finding out I had got
them wrong) and just as I walked out of Starbucks with my panini and
latte, I got a message. Erin speaks plainly when she has to. I rang her
and we chatted for ten minutes. Picture a street and Erin is near the
top and further down the street are other people, including myself, all
walking purposefully to the top of the street. And Erin jumps on a bus.
And I stop and take reflection for a moment. All stop, wait for the
green man to cross the road. So our thing changes, and hopefully we are
still friends. I told her I understood, that I would never want to
upset nor offend her. I went back to the office and was very busy for
the next three hours, sorting out a lot of outstanding work. The new
servers are now being setup, and they come with Windows 2000.

I got the train home, and listened to my tape and I had to buy new
batteries for the Walkman.

I got in, had a bath, played the guitar, added some tracks to a new
tape for Erin. The people came round to quote for the garden and then
left. I spent a long time at abctales removing crap poems and creating
new sets. I guess a lot of my poetry is either crap or that others dont
get it. I created a folder for crap poetry I had removed. I dont really
want to look at a set containing "1" rated stuff. It depresses me.
Yeah, I know you can turn the ratings off, but I dont get email you
see.

I watched a bit of Bond on telly, while I had my tea, then I chatted
with Erin, and we were like quiet and it took a while to talk like we
usually do. I wont be sending the tape, which is okay. It's not
finished, I may not finish it. I have a big pile of Orbit stuff to read
through and yet I cannot be bothered. I may just bail from that writing
group as I seem to have done from everything else. I was talking to
ERin about bands and music. And she thought the Jacknives was a good
band name. I had better start writing songs and see what happens. I
have been working on some other songs but my voice is terrible on one
of them, its the Velvet Underground one. I guess the lyrics aren't that
good. Its on the site and the chords are G/Bm/C repeated four times,
and the last two lines each verse are Am / F. But of course I cant
really play the guitar, I mean who would watch someone play open chords
badly?

If I was a radio DJ, who would listen to the stuff I play, I wonder? If
I was chat show host, who would want to go on the programme? Its just
opinions. Or if I write a book, how many would be remaindered?

I have three voices: the embarrassed 19 year old, the experienced 39
year old ( I sound like someone's Dad) and my own, somewhere inbetween.
God this is so random.

I will take the Clash tshirt to Reading.

Times before
I thought I knew
What I wanted
But now
I am not so sure
I want people to be happy
I want them to laugh
I wish I could write better too.

Misunderstandings account for 90\% of all known arguments. My father is
drinking again due to the problems my brother and his girlfriend are
having. I expect my brother will go hard as nails at some stage. He and
I are alike in some respects. He hides his feelings too. Is unwilling
to share them. I cannot force them to make it right, but it pisses me
off when things like this happen. I may go up and stay with him for a
bit. In the city.

But I better think positive because I have to. I have to get up and be
there, be someone. Do what I need to make it better.

Yeah and I would like to talk about Lord Of the Rings, I have been
trying for three days but something else happens.