My Nemesis, The Birth of Leliel Andras, Chapter One: Blind But Still I See...

“Good morning Mrs. Anderson, we are elated that you are awake.”

“So am I, Where am I?” Joy was beyond groggy and in desperate need of water. She felt as she were crushed between two walls. Joys eyes were badly bruised and swollen. The rest of her face was bandaged just as her arms and legs.

“Joy I am Dr. Swartz. I was the doctor that operated on you after your accident.”

“Wait what?’ Joy tried to move but she was sadly mistaken. She could barely wiggle her fingers. It hurt for Joy to speak. As she swallowed her forehead creased under her bandaged skull. The sharp pain scraped along the swollen tissue of her dry throat, as if she had swallowed glass. She began to gasp for air.

Dr. Swartz quickly dropped his clip board onto the bedside table and fetched the cup of ice cold water and a straw. “Here Drink this.”

Joy sipped slowly flinching as the cold water cooled her palate. Even the cool liquid her fueled a blaze to her throat. It was a different sort of pain, as if their were sores on her tonsils being burned away.

“Slow,” Dr. Swartz directed. “Take your time. Your throat is very sensitive as we just removed the tubes from your throat less than 48 hours ago. I can only imagine how thirsty you must be. I wanted to briefly talk to you about your case.”

Joy slowly nodded, indicating that she understood the Dr.’s words.

“Joy you were in a terrible car accident. A car came out from behind a truck in the right lane. You were traveling on the shoulder of the highway. There was no way you could have maneuvered around that car. He came out of no where trying to pass a semi. You were forced off the road. You went off a cliff more than 20 feet deep. It’s a miracle that you are alive. Had you hit ground, you would have died instantly. You fell into a lake, The impact of the water broke the windshield of the car. You were cut pretty bad. The force threw you from the car, you hit a rock, which caused some neurological damage, to your optic nerve.”

The occipital lobe is where sight is processed which comes from the cranial nerve II (optic nerve). Your visual perception has been severely damaged. Visual perception is the ability to interpret information and surroundings from the effects of light reaching the eye.” Dr. Swartz paused to try and get some form of response from Joy, indicating she understood his words.

“Wait! What is all this? Is there someone that can come and explain all this in English?”

Dr. Swartz pinched his lips. He was slightly irritated having read Joy‘s file. Her level of intelligence was way above average. Dr. Swartz placed a puzzling hand under his chin, and as if hit with compassion he softened his aggressive tone. Pulling the bed side chair up to the side of Joy’s bed he cleared his throat and began again, “Mrs. Anderson, due to the severity of your injury’s your retina’s were singed. Which means you may regain some of your sight but not all. Our team of Ophthalmologist’s and I performed quite an extensive amount of tests to evaluate your sight and neurological damage that allows for vision. We have concluded that you are in fact, legally blind. I know this may be a lot to take in, but I need you to understand what type of life you will have after sustaining such an injury.”

Joy began to black out. None of what the doctor was saying made any sense. She
had no memory of the accident. She had no interest in the happenings surrounding her injury’s as well. She wanted to know where her family was. “Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt.” Joy tried to clear her raspy voice unsuccessfully. “I don’t understand. Will I regain my sight?”

“We are not sure Mrs. Anderson. We need to run a few more tests to determine your level of blindness, in due time. Many people which have been diagnosed with blindness. Have experienced periods where they can see clear as day, as if they were never blind. Others see light, shadows, or just can’t see in color. We are however optimistic about your situation. You have surpassed all of our expectations.”

“Where is my family? “

“Your husband is out with your children waiting for the results of my evaluation. I haven’t told them about your most recent issue with sight. You just woke up and I did not want to overwhelm them with science and medical mambo jumbo. I wanted to first talk with you to determine how lucid you were. I see that you are a literary agent and hold a degree in psychology yourself. So you understand the functions of the brain and mind. However, being a victim of such tragic events can alter the most intelligent persons. I would like you to seek counseling. I would also like you to take some time off work.” Dr. Swartz tilted his glasses to get a better look at his patient. He could not tell by way of facial expression, her attitude towards the matter; but the silence spoke for itself.

“Joy, it will take you some time to get used to the new you; but I see no reason why you will not be able to continue in your life’s work. You will just have to be patient. I am setting you up with some rehabilitation services as your wounds heal. ”

“I understand.” Joy commented without emotion or the slightest interest to continue the conversation. “This is some new me,” Joy whispered sarcastically.

“Mrs. Anderson, with today’s technology you can use the voice command system on your computer to write, and correspond with your clients. You will be fine. The rehabilitation program, will help you learn how to live with your disability. Many learn to read within a year. I have great confidence in you. I will leave you now to visit with your family. I am sure they are very anxious to speak with you.”

“Wait! Joy took all that she could muster to get the doc’s attention before he whisked out of the room. Please… Don’t tell my family about my blindness. I don’t want them to know.”

“Joy, how can I not? You will need all the support you can get. Dealing with your recovery and blindness.”

“I understand, but if I am going to live with this I need to deal with it in my own way. My family is not used to me, not being able to carry the world and tend to their needs. I think that they are devastated enough. I will tell them; but in my own way and on my own watch. Please just extend me this courtesy.”

“I will. Its against policy for me to divulge information without consent. I will, however advise you to at least tell your husband right away. Its important that he understands the extent of your injuries. He seems like a very good man. He has not left this hospital in the three weeks you have been here.”

“Three Weeks? Oh my God.” Joy winced as the pain med’s seemed to shut off mid sentence. She moaned at the flame of pain that flowed through her torn flesh and broken bones.

“Are you OK, Mrs. Anderson?”

“I think the med’s just wore off.”

“OK, I will get a nurse to get you something for the pain right away. In the meantime I will send in your family so that you can see them.”

“Thank you.” Joy was exhausted. She squinted because her eyelids were itching. She winced however at the pain when she squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to relieve the itchiness.

Dr. Swartz was gone in a flash. His long white jacket flew in the wind as the revolving door closed slowly. Just before the door clicked into its sill, she heard a familiar voice. It was Justin. She tried to pry her eyes open to test the severity of her injuries, consequently they were glued shut by crusted pus . She began to panic. Her breathing grew rapidly and her heart felt as if it were fluttering around in her chest. “What’s happening to me she thought?” Trying to regain her composure she began to tell her self that things were going to be okay. The pain and loss of sight would just be temporary until a voice uttered words of discouragement that were so loud and clear she could have sworn she were standing just over her head.

“You are blind, you idiot. You will never see the faces of your husband and children again. You should have thought about that before you sped off angrily. Since when has anyone had your back. You should be used to it by now. Now look at you. Once again lost and taken into a vulnerable depressive state. Are you trying to kill me? I would just assume so.”

“Hello!” Joy’s pupils moved rapidly under her badly bruised eyelids. “Is anyone there? Who are you? What are you talking about?” Her presence was gone as quick as she came. She whispered into Joys ear. Leaving behind a cool breeze that frosted the tip of her nose, a sensation frightened her.

Joy heard her words but let them go. She was excited to see her family. Realizing that she would not be able to see their beautiful faces, a tear strolled down the sides of her eye. The tears were caught by the gauze that covered the remainder of her face, and were quickly absorbed. Joy heard the door of her room open, and then the soft scuffs of little feet. She knew then that her boys were in the room. Lagging behind dragging was her daughter. “How frightened she must be,” Joy thought to herself. She hated the fact that her children bore witness to her in such a vulnerable state.

Justin stepped forward. She could smell him instantly. Again the tears wet the dried pus on her eyes. Justin leaned in and touched her dry and cut lips. “I am so sorry,” Justin whispered unable to hold back the emotion that had cut off his breathing. He began to sob hard like a baby and fell into the seat, next to Joy’s bed. Joy wiggled her fingers, as she tried to reach for Justin’s deep shining waves. She longed to touch is soft mane. She wanted to touch him, to comfort him.

It wasn’t his fault as she often led him to believe. He was her muse. The only one she knew would care enough to listen and take heed to her feelings. Burdened often with the dysfunction of her family, she held her tongue. Tired and frustrated with their obvious lack of respect for her and her own livelihood she took out her anger on Justin.

The fight with Justin, was one she’d stumbled upon. Taken off guard, she protected her self by taking a defensive stance. Her anger flowed from deep within her pores. Once she took flight she couldn’t stop her mouth from moving, slaying his very being. She was so angry, so rude and horrifically nasty, she herself could not believe it. Her mother showed up at her place of business after years of absence without contact to ask for help.

Joy’s mind scattered with emotional tides of both anger and compassion. She still longed for the comfort and closeness a daughter dreams to have with her mother. She gave her five thousand dollars from their joint savings account, and told her to move on .

Justin was furious when he found out. It wasn’t the money he kept stating, to a confused and belligerent Joy. It was the fact that she had kept it from him and lied when the bank statement rang true of her deception. Joy grabbed for her purse and threatened to leave him as she always did, when conflict arose.

Justin tossed her, her keys and blew her a kiss goodbye sarcastically; as he knew her better than anyone. Joy shook her thoughts back into reality and managed to shake her thoughts of guilt.

“Its Okay.” Joy finally managed to speak. She had to take the blame for her part in the matter. She could not let Justin continue to beat himself up for acts they both participated in. It was neither one of their faults. A driver was careless and lost control.

Joy patted her bed to see if she could find the boys nestled about the foot of her bed. The boys were afraid. Justin Jr. and Jeremy stayed towards the back of the room. Joy could feel the tension. She couldn’t see them, but she could hear Jr. asking Ashley if it were their mother under the bandages. He thought that perhaps she were a mummy or ghost.

“Shhh!” Ashley whispered loudly, pulling Jr. close by her side. She jerked him so hard. Joy could hear him grunt and his shoes scuff the tile floor.

“Don’t pull on your brother like that Ash,” Joy scolded. “Come to mommy. The three of you, come here. I need to tell you all something.”

Ashley and the two boys inched slowly towards Joys bed. Justin rose his head from his slumped cocoon and encouraged them to come close next to his side. Jr. took his small hand and placed it on Joys swollen fingers.

“Mom!” he yelled “You in there? What happened to you?”

“Mommy had a little accident, but I am going to be alright. I am glad you are here. Where is your little brother?”

“Right here! Open your eyes.”

Justin looked up and took hold of Jr. He placed his hand on the small of his back and began to coach Justin Jr., about his mothers condition. “Son she can’t open her eyes right now. They are soar, and bruised. Its better if she keeps them closed.”

Ashley was quiet. She was speechless and afraid to come any closer to her mother. Worried that her mother would be angry or sad that she did not engage in the visit she forced herself to ask her mother if she was in any pain.

“Mom, I hope you feel better. Are you in any pain? I could get the nurse.” Ashley felt so uncomfortable she would have given anything to get out of the room. Joy could sense that she was looking for an exit, but decided that she could not give her a pass. Her presence made her feel alive and she needed her children to be close.

“No honey, I feel as good as can be expected. It looks much worse than it is. I can’t see you, but I can tell that you are far away. Could you come closer? Your voice is a mere echo. Why are you so distant?”

“Mom you know I hate hospitals. I hate being here. I hate that you are here. Dad can we go, Please?”

Justin looked up with a look on his face that could have killed. Ashley stifled herself abruptly.

“What’s wrong?” Joy said softly. Her throat was hurting and her arms and legs ached with pain. Not wanting to alarm Justin and the kids, she pushed the nurse call button discreetly. Justin noticed, He noticed how quiet Joy had become and that her nurse call button light was lit.

“Are you OK, Joy?”

“Yes, fine.”

“Babe its me you are talking to. If there is something I can do I would like to?”

“Just a little pain that’s all. I alerted the nurse. The doctor said that he was going to let the nurse know that I needed some medication for my pain, but she has yet to come.”

“How long ago was that Joy?”

“Justin its OK, calm down I am fine. The pain just got a little worse. So I went ahead and sounded my alarm to remind the nurses station is all. Please calm down. I don’t want you to get all worked up for nothing. Why don’t you take the kids home? I’m sure they have had a long day. I don’t want them to see me like this for too long. Besides the boys could have nightmares. This image of me is not something I want locked into their minds.”

Joy tried to smile but the sores on her lips cracked and started to bleed. She licked her wounds tasted the salted blood. Justin grabbed for a napkin and wiped her lips softly.

“Justin,” Joy said softly.

“What is it?”

“My lips hurt like hell. Is there ice or something?”

“Sure babe, anything.” Justin fiddled around in the drawers next to the bed and retrieved the complimentary chap-stick from the top drawer. To sooth the burn of his wife’s torn lips.

“How bad do I look? I mean from what you can see. My face feels so swollen underneath these bandages. What if I don’t look the same? What if my face is deformed or scarred?”

“Babe, all that doesn’t matter. I love you. The important thing is that you are alive. I want you to concentrate on getting better, so that you can come home, OK?”

“OK.” Joy was weak with pain. The pain had become so unbearable she was nearing her breaking point. She wanted badly to call out for help, but she refrained. She did not want to alarm her children. “J…,” Joy paused as the pain stifled her breathing. “Please take the kids home. I need to get some rest.”

Justin could take a hint. He could tell that Joy was in pain and didn’t want the kids to bear witness to her suffering. “OK babe, we are going to go home. Get some rest.” Justin coached the kids to come close to their mother and say good bye. They each gave her a kiss on her lips. Jr. was playing with his mothers fingers. He refused to leave. He was very protective of his mother.

“Jr. It’s time to go. We will come back and visit mom soon.” Jr. stood his ground for a moment longer. He retreated when Justin lowered his eyes. Jr. knew he had better do what he was told. Ashley came close to her mother and kissed her softly. She whispered I love you and ran from the room. She was on the verge of tears, and in her preteen years it was against the rules to show signs of emotion.

Justin looked down at Joy one last time before grabbing up the boys and retreated from the room. “I love you babe, he whispered as he opened the door to leave. Just coming into the room was the nurse, bearing the gift of narcotics.

“Its about time.” Justin scolded. He couldn’t help himself. It angered him that the doctors and nurses were not taking care of Joy. He looked back at Joy smiled and jolted down the hall way to get Ashley.

Joy’s veins warmed as the medicine seeped into her blood stream. Moments later her mind drifted and asleep she went. Numb to the pain, but hurt for her family, as she so longed to be with them.