O OVERS

TUESDAY7th APRIL 1997

It should have made more noise, something so important, but
there was
just the snick of the catch as the door closed and that was it;
finished. I always thought it would be loud, BANG! SLAM! No that's
a
lie. I never thought about that scene at all, wouldn't allow myself
to,
the minute that thought tried to worm its way in I pushed it well
away,
door definitely slammed on that one.

I knew something would happen tonight. I could feel it all
day.
Funny, but it was sort of a relieved feeling. I told myself that, if
I
could force out the truth, get everything out into the open, we
could
somehow sort it all out. Then we could put it all behind us, start
again
with a clean slate and this horrible feeling would go away, but now
the
door has closed on that as well.

I had gone over it again and again in my mind, knew exactly
what I
was going to say, but he never gave me the chance.

" I love her," he said. " She's what I've always wanted." I
wasn't
prepared for that, I hadn't rehearsed any words at all for that.
I
thought, ' Have I never been what he wanted, has it all been a lie,
the
whole twenty five years'?

I could hear him packing his things and I couldn't move. All I
could
do was sit there with this big emptiness inside me, wishing that I
could
die.

"Sorry, " he said as he was going. Just like that, like it
was
something trivial, 'sorry I've ruined your life'. I wanted to kill
him
then, push the knife in and twist it about, wound him like he was
wounding me, but the door had closed and it was too late. There was
just
me and all of those tears that wouldn't stop.

Its finally getting light outside, I didn't think a night
could be so
long, just hearing the door close, over and over.

I know I'll have to ring the girls. I keep putting it off.
What can I
tell them? I'm old and fat and ugly and your dad's traded me in for
a
newer model.

WEDNESDAY 8th APRIL 1997

Helen cried. It's hit her harder than I thought. But there
again,
she was always 'Daddy's girl', she thought he couldn't put a foot
wrong.
It must be a shock to find out that he's mortal after all. Jane was
her
usual pragmatic self.

" He's male," she shrugged. " They always let you down in the
end."

I was glad when they had gone. That sounds awful, they are
my
daughters and I love them to bits, but there are lots of things that
I
can't talk to them about. Not like Jean, I can tell her anything.
We
have been friends since I first sat next to her in the nursery class
at
school, a million years ago. I could tell her about this horrible
tearing pain inside that's making me not want to go on, just lie
down
and give up. She came round just after the girls had left. The
floodgates opened and I sobbed everything out to her. It's supposed
to
make you feel better isn't it? A good cry. But I just felt empty,
like
someone had scooped out my insides and left this big nothingness. I
must
have got through a whole box of tissues. Jean cried along with me
and
held my hand while I babbled out all of the pain. When I finally ran
out
of words she stroked my hair and sighed.

" Did everyone know but me?" I asked her. She looked all
flustered
and uncomfortable then and I felt my heart sink.

"Oh no-then why didn't you," I started to say, but the words
were
already tumbling out. When she had heard about it , she had gone to
his
office and had it out with him, told him he was 'bloody stupid'. He
had
told her that he was stupid, but that it was over.

" And I believed him," she whispered. Then she was crying
again, we
both were, but for different reasons.

She wanted me to go back with her and stay for a few days, but
I said
no, that I would be OK. To be honest I didn't want to go outside.
I
wanted to hide in here. I felt somehow- well, ashamed , as though I
had
done something wrong.

I rang work and told them I had the flu, didn't have to put it
on
either, I have cried so much that my nose is permanently bunged
up.

SATURDAY 11th APRIL 1997

I had to go to the shop, there was no food left in the house.
Not
that I really want to eat, but you have to go through the motions
I
suppose. They all knew in the village, I could tell by the way they
were
all looking at me. It made me feel angry. 'I'm not an exhibit in
the
zoo' I wanted to scream at them. I wouldn't give them the
satisfaction
though, wouldn't let them see that I cared. I even made some sort
of
joke about it to Bill behind the counter. He looked shocked, like I
had
spoken ill of the dead. What they really wanted was the tears, for
the
dam to burst so that they could see first hand just what the pain
felt
like. Well I wouldn't play and they couldn't make me. I just wanted
to
get away from them all, back into hiding. But when I got to the
front
door, I didn't want to go in, didn't want to hear all of that
emptiness.

TUESDAY 18th NOVEMBER 1997

I must be getting used to it, being on my own that is. I only
set one
place for tea tonight, the message must be finally sinking in. It
was
like my mind tried to shut it all out at first. When you are
together
for so long , you fall into a sort of pattern and your brain won't
let
you alter it. I would be rummaging in the freezer at the
supermarket,
looking for things he liked, then I would suddenly remember he
wasn't
there any more and get all tearful. It's awful when that happens
in
public. I would pick something up and read the label over and
over
again, until I got a hold of myself. That doesn't happen a lot
now,
thank God . The pain is still there, but it gets sort of blunted at
the
edges. Sometimes I can hardly remember what he looks like. But there
are
other times when I will suddenly remember something we did together
and
for a minute it feels like the world is coming to an end.

Jean has been brilliant. I don't know what I would have done
without
her. Poor Tom, he must be fed up to the back teeth of me tagging
along
with them everywhere they go, but he never grumbles. He always was
a
nice man, pity I couldn't have picked someone like him.

.At least it's better at work now. I used to hate the way
that
everyone crept around me. When I went into the rest room everyone
would
go quiet and I knew they had been discussing it. I rounded on them
one
day.

" Look!" I said. " What happened happened, you can talk to me
about
it, I'm not going to faint if you mention his name." It got easier
after
that and now it's ancient history. It's no good feeling sorry for
myself, there are a lot of people worse off than me. I keep
telling
myself that.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 3rd 1998

Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The whole
family
came round and I didn't have time to dwell on the past. I was
dreading
New Years Eve, but Jean rang up on Boxing Day and said I was going
to
the golf club with her and Tom same as usual.

"No argument," she said. " I've got you a ticket and that's
that."
It's so strange though, I mean, even when he was here, I would spend
the
night with Jean while he and Tom propped the bar up, I wouldn't
even
miss him, but this year I did, terribly.

MONDAY, MAY 4Th 1998

I am amazed! When you get to forty nine you don't expect to be
asked
out on a date. Helen was more excited than I was. She came over to
sort
out what I was going to wear.

" I can't wear that," I told her. " I'll look like mutton
dressed as
lamb."

" Mum!" she said[ in that tone she uses when the kids are
playing up]
" Your not old, you are a very attractive woman if only you would
make
the best of yourself." I was really nervous when Jeff came to pick
me
up. It's been so long that I had forgotten how to act on a date, but
he
soon put me at my ease. He's such a nice man and he really made
me
laugh. It seems like centuries since I laughed.

We went for a meal to a little country pub and everything was
so
nice. Halfway through the evening I suddenly realised that I felt
better, in fact, that I had been feeling better for quite some
time
without noticing it.

At the beginning, when people say all of those stupid things
like,
'times a great healer'. You think, 'Time won't heal me, I will never
get
over this', but it happens without you knowing. You never forget, but
it
all gets a bit distant and suddenly you can go for days on end
without
going over the whole sorry mess inside your head.

He has made his peace with the girls anyway. He rang them
both. He
didn't get much change out of Jane, she always was one to bear a
grudge,
takes after him for that. But he called round to see Helen, said he
was
missing the grandchildren. She didn't want to tell me at first, said
she
felt like she was being disloyal having him round. I told her, '
whatever he's done he is still your dad, nothing changes that'. She
said
she was a bit shocked when she saw him.

" He seems to have really aged mum," she said. I nearly
blurted out
'that's what you get for chasing someone half your age', but I bit
it
back, there has been enough bitterness.

FRIDAY AUGUST 21st 1998

It was about ten o-clock, I had just arrived back from my
night class
when the phone rang. At first I didn't recognise his voice, well
it's
been a while since I've heard it. When I realised who it was, I
felt---,
well I don't know what I felt really, the feelings were all mixed
up.
He sounded different, not so sure of himself as I remembered, in fact
he
sounded old. Well the gist of it was that she had left him. Quite
a
while ago it seems, run off with someone her own age. I couldn't
help
feeling a bit of triumph at that, but I felt sorry too. I know what
that
particular pain feels like and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.
We
chatted for a while and then he started to cry, well that's what
it
sounded like. Anyway, I told him to come round to the house. I know,
I
know, but it's awful to be on your own when you're hurting.