What's the big idea&;#063;

It's official. I am fucked.

Clinic is a word quarantined by plague-affected associations. People
visibly back off if you mention that you've just been to a clinic, that
you work in a clinic, that you've just met the most beautiful girl in
the world at the clinic. People prefer not to mention the clinic since
it infers treatment rather than cure, social malaise rather than proper
and distinct disease. A rash and some unpleasant discharge, not cancer.
The clinic where I work or should I say worked transcends these
careless feelings and that is right now why I am fucked.

"There is nothing more dangerous than an ideology" according to my
history tutor. He wasn't fucking joking either. I mean it's arrogant
enough to think that one idea is better than another in the purest
sense. No-one could deny that going out to a nice restaurant is a
better idea than say, staying in to dip your head in an acid bath but
on a grander scale, all ideas seem to be little better than equal. It's
even more arrogant of one man to argue that his ideas are superior to
another's if expressed eloquently and within given limits of
intimidation and violence. This is why I guess I found the Cold War so
pathetically one-dimensional. Nikita Khrushchev, the Elmer Fudd of
Soviet politics, flew into California, saw all the swimming pools
shining like a thousand tiny mirrors, and said; "Now I know Communism
has failed." To my knowledge, no American president has ever flown over
North Korea or China, noted the distinct lack of streetlamps, the
absence of the twenty-four hour bowling alleys, the dereliction of
Hollywood hot-tub duty and said, "Look how environmentally friendly
your country is." Good versus evil, north versus south, cowboys versus
Indians, the Empire versus the whatever, cops and robbers. We all play
these games as children and continue them as adults. I've often
wondered what would have happened if women had been more directly in
charge of military affairs over the course of the last two hundred
years? I suspect Armageddon, but what do I know? I'm just a doctor sat
here with a sophisticated pipe bomb hung round my neck like a paralytic
teenager at a party, waiting for the school bell to ring.

My point about conflict is a simple one. Humans thrive on it and
conflict through evolution has made us exactly what we are. All our
best novels, films and stories are based on conflict, a character with
a counterpoint, some accident waiting to happen. Take me for instance.
A thirty something abortion technician, beaten unconscious outside my
home, who awakes to find himself sat in his local infant school with an
unknown quantity of C4 explosive strapped to his body and note between
his legs that says in bright red capital letters, "IF YOU DON'T WANT
MORE CHILDREN TO DIE THEN GET UP AND RUN." I mean, what a great
synopsis. If only I was going to be around to see how it all turns out.
What I'm trying to say as I sit in my own puddle of fluids, is that
conflict and drama comes with the territory of being human. Who wants a
peaceful planet anyway; these do-gooders just want to be free to sit in
their hot tubs all day and fuck. Sure I hate the guy that's done this
to me, who wouldn't cos frankly it sucks, but my point is that through
existence people have been hating, killing, kicking and punching their
way to the top and all the while people have been also loving, hugging,
supporting, kissing and cuddling each other. You can't have one without
the other, so let's not be so down on violence.

Only two minutes to go and it's just beeped! If I wasn't so scared, I'd
be excited. I hope they don't use that photograph of me at Phil's
barbeque last summer.

So once again it's official. I am fucked and hey, I'm a victim of
terrorism only my terrorist hasn't so much as terrorised me, I did
that, he's changed my routine, given me a story to tell, made me
consider my loved ones, made me think about what drove him and me to
this place. He has consequently martyred me against my wishes and most
importantly killed me nonetheless, and why? Because he thinks his ideas
are better than mine. That's what really shafts my tunnel, his idea
that his idea is superior to my idea. His idea that all combinations of
spermatozoa and one solitary egg cell somehow constitute life is
somehow better than my idea, that it doesn't. His idea that somehow I'm
playing God every time I suck the unwanted, the undeserved, the
malformed, and the inconvenient out of someone, doesn't quite square
with what he has done today.

It just beeped again!

We all play God when we step on a bug, fuck a stranger without a
condom, let our tyres run down, smash a driver up the fairway to hurry
the group in front or even smoke a cigarette. God is risk, God is luck,
God is everything we don't know, everything we don't have a formula
for. Top five things we do not have a formula for:
1. Love
2. Violence
3. Evil
4. The afterlife
5. Bovril (since everyone knows it was discovered rather than
invented)

In the face of such things, man's arrogance knows no bounds. What
qualifies any of us to stand up and say "I know best, you lot can
believe me or fuck off and die, and if you don't I'll make sure you
do." Do the math, what are the odds of one person in the billions of
people that have ever lived, of coming up with the answer? Not going to
happen people. Let me quote you some of my favourite atheisms.

"God is simply the word that comes next to go-cart." - Samuel Butler.
Ok I only have one but I think my time is almost up and the bell is
about to sound. I should be thinking about making a move.

Wait a minute, I've just have a brilliant id?.