My Dinosaur Era Chapter 10

 

the door to the pub is closed, it’s already midday

I keep walking, never breaking stride, once more around the block

round and round we go, checking my phone, screen blank

no one is trying to get hold of me today, usually such a blessing

today, my fingers fidget with the handset, clutching at it

longing to feel the vibration, contact from the outside realm

 

around the block I go, deviate down the front

the sea is frothy and giant today, the old pier

still hanging on, refusing to let go of the sea bed, appearing so fragile

yet so strong under the waves

it’s three past midday, I start to walk up the hill again

the convenience shop feels convenient, drop in

grab a can of something awful, drink in one down an alley

relief and shame bubble together

 

back around by the pub door, now settled as ajar

push my way in, empty seats, clean toilets scent hits me

beer mats arranged sequentially on tables, waiting to be rearranged

by glass bottoms, urgent hands

alan behind the bar, baseball cap high on his head

sleeves rolled up like he means business today

alright mate, he says, smiles, I feel loved for the first time today

hello mate, I say, weakly, exhausted, sit on a stool at the bar

one of these I reckon, he says, tapping the hand pump on the bar

he knows me too well, pulls a pint, its head bubbles like the sea down the slope

you’re in early, he says

I drink a quarter of the beer in one gulp

yeah, I got canned by work this morning, so I thought, fuck it, I say

oh shit man, that sucks, he says

yeah, I mean, I did hate it but still, I say

any idea what you’re gonna do now, he says

have a few beers and think about it another day I reckon, I say

sound, best way pal, he says

 

the taste of the beer rattles against the rancid shadow of the shop pop

I shudder, take another big gulp, alan, gets back on his laptop

the stillness of the pub entrances me, last time I was here I winced

crowds pushed me to the edges of the bar, stood cramped

in a corner with petula, having to hold drinks tight to our chests

seated heads bobbing below us, channels of chatter

a screeching laugh that cut through me, a small dog

stared at me, give me some peace

we said to each other

 

al, wanna do a shot, I say

fucking hell mate, it’s quarter past twelve, he says

yeah, fair enough, I say

I didn’t say no, he says, picking up the dirty sambuca bottle, places glasses in front of me

we drink together, deep breaths, head warm with the juice

I look deep into my phone on the bar, likes it’s a portal to somewhere superior

it rings, petual’s name shining up at me, fumbling

I grab it, drop it on the bar, pick it up again

hey, I say

hey, she says

her voice seems so close again, is she behind me

sorry I missed your call earlier, I was at yoga and then I had a work meeting, she says

that’s ok, I say

are you ok, she says

pretty much, I’m free at least, I say

what do you mean, she says

I got binned from my job this morning, I say

oh shit, I’m sorry, she says

yeah, it’s no big deal, I hated it, I say

sure, yeah, you said, she says

I was just calling to see if you wanted to do something today, I say

hmm, maybe later, I have dentist later and it’s a filling so might not be up to much if I feel rubbish after, she says

ah, ok, I say

where are you now, she says

I’m in the hole, I say

ok, she says

it’s a bit early, I know, I just didn’t want to be sat at home, I say

no judgement here, do what you need to do, she says

there’s a gap, I feel like I am going to fall into it

look, shall we do something tomorrow instead, i’m free all day, she says

sure, that would be nice, I say

nice, such a foolish word, such a foolish time to utter it

great, she says, call me tomorrow and we can work it out, she says

ok, will do, I say

bye then, she says

bye, I say

 

I finish my pint, alan slides over, another, yes please

so you planning on getting on the beer all day, he says

well, that was the plan but everyone’s busy, I say

who’s everyone, he says

ginny’s working and the other person I spoke to is um, busy, I say

the other person, do they have a name or are you a fucking secret agent now, he says

petula, her name’s petula, I say

fuck off, no one’s called petula, he says

that’s what I said mate, I say

is she that woman you were in with the other night, he says

yeah, I say

she was fucking mint mate, where the fuck did you find her, he says

she’s a friend of ginny’s, I say

oh, so is she mental too then, he says

too early to say, I say

sorry, I’m just being a cunt, he says, laughs

I know, it’s because you are a cunt, I say

true dat, mate, true dat, he says, laughs

I’m seeing her tomorrow, I say

cool, cool, try not to fuck it up, she’s class mate, he says

yeah, she is, yeah, I say, tailing off, pick up my fresh pint

alan slides away once more, the door opens behind me

our stillness is gone, people cut through it