Walking on Saturn Day Three

Had a plan to take "children" (23 year old son, 18 year old daughter and 18s boy friend) to the supermarket for silly presents and food top up.

We managed the food top up, but daft gifts seemed hard to find. We had some Mother son exchanges

which amused a woman next to us in the aisle along the lines of "motherrr why didn't you say back in that aisle"?

Shopping was done very briskly in a masculine manner with occasional bursts of manly superiority, but it was very sweet to be looked after .

We ended up eating Fray Bentos pies for lunch as son recalled how much he liked them as a student( which was all of 1 year ago). Sadly the Aga didnt cook them perfectly and we didn't get crispy pastry

through and through. It was gloopy.

I am having major difficulty facing finding words for the funeral. I have found one piece I like, but every time I begin to think of it "All is well " etc. I am whammed in the back of the eyes by a potential tsunami of tears trying to shove out my eyeballs from inside my head. It seems poised for any opportunity. I imagine I will have to live with that

monstrous alien thing for many months or years. There is also rebellion summoned up when I think of  "All is well", my instant thought is "no it bloody isn't". There is no benefit in thinking people and love are just extinguished. One might as well practice optimism. Presently my sense of optimism

is rather flattened and yet my husband was absolutely full of optimism and belief in love. It suits him so I will have to wear it, tank up on brandy before the funeral, and breath into soggy tissues rather than listen. Friends have come up with a long winded lugubrious poem about a cricketer leaving the crease. I will have to perhaps choose a verse of it to include as well. They loved him too and several friends knew him  from primary school onwards.

Just had a phonecall from the hospice. I have won a small prize in their raffle and can pick it up anytime. Thats a connundrum. I was hoping never to set foot in the place ever again unless "down the road" I need to ask for counselling help.