A day to end all days

5th October 2002

Well, today started out like a normal day, i got up, had a shower and
put on my usual combination of jeans and some hoody lying around the
place with odd socks as i never ever seem to have a pair!!

so the post came this morning and i got a letter from Faith, i haven't
heard from her in so long, she's fine and she's coming to stay in half
term hopefully, i really hope she can, i desperately need some good
sisterly help here at the moment. Everything is just pilling up so
quickly and drowning me.
This moves me on to my next topic of conversation...Oh crap. I was
sitting in philosophy, just thinking, think about nothing really. then
suddenly the thought entered my head that i didn't want the be there
anymore, now that's a usual thought for a Monday afternoon in
philosophy, but this was different, i didn't want to be anywhere
anymore, not here, not at home, not anywhere, i don't fit in, i have
nowhere to go. So that's what happened.
I came out of philosophy and sat in my study. I sat for what seemed
like hours, but really it was just a few minutes masquerading as hours.
Slowly I got up, in some trance or daze. I couldn't hear anything, only
the sound of the voices in my head telling me to keep walking, to do
it. I filled the bottle with warm water and returned to my study. Then
I fingered the box carefully reading the inscription, knowing perfectly
well I was going to ignore it. One popped out, quite by accident of
course! And I slipped it into my mouth, washing it down with water.
Then 10 more followed one after another with 5 minute intervals so it
would last longer. I felt dizzy and in a trance. What had I done? Those
tablets were about to change my life forever. A wave of fear swept
through me and in terror I grabbed the knife on the desk and began
helplessly slashing, trying to release everything inside of me. The
blood dribbled down onto my jeans, but it didn't matter coz I could
hardly see. I finished the water, with the other 6 tablets. Bandaged my
arm and stumbled blindly to choir, if I didn't show they would notice,
they were bound to. Then I would be found out. Oh god what would they
say.
I lay on the floor in the music room. The piano sounds dance around my
ears and people come and go, walking over me, like I am the ground, or
underneath it. Dead.
This seems a harder ordeal than I originally thought?..
Only just making it to the toilets without collapsing, I ease myself to
the floor and begin the painful ordeal of retching my guts out. Hours
pass alone, on the cold tiled floor of the toilets on tramlines
corridor. I can't get up, slowly the world fades and my eyes close, my
head droops, people are here, holding it up, who? I don't know.
The next day is a blur. Parents mad, shouting, crying. Doctors
demeaning glares. Guilt passes through me, replacing the before fear.
All I feel now is pain, everywhere, pain. Inside and out. Failure. I
will always be.