I always wanted to write a story

I always wanted to write a story.

I wanted to get to know the characters I made up in my mind. To laugh with them, to cry, to fall in love. To know where destiny will take them, and with them – me. I wanted to write a thousand hours non-stop.

But I never seem to find an ending.

I like it when I start writing and I get really into it, and hours pass by unnoticed, when I get along with the characters that I just met, when I explore the world created in my mind and it suddently becomes real. But then something happens. Something happens to me, not to them, and what happens to me is that I don’t know what happens next to them. They call it a writer’s block, and apparently it happens a lot, but every time I write it feels like it only happens to me.

All of a sudden I snap out of it. I don’t know where I am, or when I am. I look at the counter in the corner of my screen – 8000 words. I look at the clock in the other corner and it’s 3 a.m, and I vaguely remember it being 6 p.m when I started. And then I panic. I don’t know what will happen to my “babies”. I spend the next twenty minutes trying hard to get back into it, but I know I won’t. And then I start to feel the lack of sleep, and I try to convince myself it will come to me. Surely, it will come to me. It has to. Tomorrow.

But then tomorrow comes, and I read what I wrote, and somehow I feel like I lost that connection to the characters. Their story suddently doesn’t sound as good as it did yesterday. And I still can’t figure out what happened to them. It feels like when I started to work yesterday I accidentally opened a portal to another world, and witnessed the most interesting thing ever. But today, that portal closed forever, and I feel like a piece of me is left with them.

I couldn’t ever become a real writer. I’d be a shitty one. Being able to open portals to another worlds is awesome, but not being able to control how long they stay open really sucks. And not being able to open them ever again sucks even more.

I never actually completed a story. I have tens of stories that I have started, but never finished. Those portals closed too soon.

But it kinda feels like, with every story, with every portal, I can keep it open just a little longer than the one before.