The Community Water Officer (part 2 of 2)

[This is part 2 of this story, read part 1 here]

*

'Very sorry to disturb you, sir.' The man on the doorstep lifted an ID card, on a lanyard around his neck. 'I'm from Sussex Water.'

'Peter Fenstron,' read Vincent. The photo showed someone balder than the man in front of him. 'Sussex Water?'

'And I really am from Sussex Water this time. All genuine Sussex Water employees are obliged to identify themselves.' Peter lifted his ID card again. 'I've been led to believe that you may have been paid a visit by a person or persons fraudulently impersonating a Sussex Water employee.'

'I don't think so,' said Vincent.

'According to your neighbour next-door here, Mrs,' Peter looks inside his black plastic folder, ' Filipowski – she said this impersonator visited you as well.'

'They visited Mrs Filipowski?'

'I thought you said no one had visited, sir?'

'What did they say to Mrs Filipowski?'

'Did this person talk to anyone else in your house?'

'So I guess you're talking about the Community Water Officer?' Vincent ran his hand through his hair to demonstrate his incomprehension.

'There's no such thing as a Community Water Officer, sir. That's what we're trying to get to the bottom of. We take the impersonation of public employees very seriously.'

'I don't think she really talked to anyone.'

'She talked to me.' Marnie appeared in the doorway.

'So he was a she,' said Peter, writing in his notebook. 'Interesting. Mrs Filipowski didn't seem to know.'

'Mrs Filipowski is blind in one eye,' said Vincent. 'And she often doesn't know what day it is.'

'Duly noted. But then you didn't observe this talking?' Peter stared at Vincent, as though trying to determine if he was blind in one eye.

'She talked to Marnie,' said Vincent. 'They had a bit of a chat. But nothing was stolen, if that's what you're asking.'

'What was the nature of this chat?' Peter turned to Marnie, scribbling some more. 'Did she take you in to a room on your own? Did she try to convince you of anything? And then tell you not to tell anyone? Don't worry, you can divulge any of these details to me.' He swung his ID card in Marnie's direction.

'She talked a bit about climate change. And volcanoes,' said Marnie. 'Something about electrolytes.'

'Well, you mustn't believe anything she told you,' said Peter. 'It's almost certainly unsourced information. Did she tamper with any equipment, particularly concerning the mains water supply?'

'She didn't touch anything,' said Vincent. 'So I don't think there's anything to worry about.'

'Be assured that we take such matters very seriously, sir,' said Peter. 'I'd ask you to contact us straight away if she calls round again.'

'Do you think you'll be able to find her?' said Vincent.

'There's not that much to go on, I'm afraid.'

'Whilst you're here,' said Vincent. 'Perhaps you could just tell us, what's your recommended length of time for a shower?'

'I couldn't tell you anything about that, I'm afraid. I'm on the fraud team.'

'You must know something.'

'I'm not allowed to talk about it. It's sensitive information.' Peter tapped his nose, and with a wave he was gone.

*

'Why did you tell that guy that you don't know the Community Water Officer?' said Marnie at dinner that evening.

'Because I don't know the Community Water Officer,' said Vincent.

'But I saw you with her.'

'Saw me where?'

'In the Freemasons Arms on Thursday afternoon.'

'Why were you in the Freemasons Arms on Thursday afternoon?' said Vincent.

'Why were you in the Freemasons Arms on Thursday afternoon?' Lana said to Vincent.

'Why were you in the Freemasons Arms on Thursday afternoon?' Keavie said to Lana, completing the circle.

'I wasn't in the Freemasons Arms,' said Marnie.

'Then how did you see me?' said Vincent.

'You said it wasn't you.'

'But even if I was,' said Vincent, 'what were you doing there? You're only fifteen.'

'I was bored. I followed you.'

'But why? And why weren't you at school?'

'I was bored. You won't let me have showers,' said Marnie.

Marnie picked up her half-empty dinner plate and took it to the sink. Keavie followed her out of the room.

'She's a friend. The Community Water Officer. Nat. Natalie.' Vincent leaned in towards Lana, conspiratorial. Lana sat back in her chair. 'Nat's an actress,' he whispered. 'I asked her to pretend to be the Community Water Officer, to teach Marnie about conserving water.' He risked a glance at Lana. 'She's a friend of Barney's.'

'I thought you taught classes on a Thursday afternoon,' said Lana.

'Barbra Tovey has cut some of my classes,' said Vincent.

'How many?'

'None of us have made any decisions yet.' Vincent exhaled deeply to demonstrate how he had shouldered the weight of this knowledge alone. 'Barbra Tovey has it in for me. I don't really know why.'

'Barbra Tovey is the one with beads in her hair?'

'Not so many, now.'

'Barbra Tovey once told me you and her were almost married.'

'She told you that?'

'She told me that over a toilet cubicle. At your fortieth birthday.'

'I went out with Barbra Tovey. Once or twice. Years before I met you. I don't know why she would say that.'

'She said you had sex under a pile of coats on Millennium Eve.'

'Barbra Tovey is a very bitter woman,' said Vincent. 'I can't control what Barbra Tovey says and does,' said Vincent.

'That much is obvious,' said Lana.

*

'So I thought it went very well,' said Nat when Vincent phoned her the next day. 'For me the world Marnie and I created together was entire and credible.'

'That's not important right now,' said Vincent.

'So have her showers got shorter? That's the litmus test, I suppose.'

'Why did you tell Mrs Filipowski you were the Community Water Officer?'

'Total immersion,' said Nat. 'Much more convincing if a Community Water Officer is covering the whole neighbourhood.'

'You can't do that.'

'Do what?'

'Impersonate a Community Water Officer.'

'I thought that was what you wanted me to do.'

'Only for Marnie.'

'I think Mrs Filipowski was pleased I called on her. She signed my pledge to cook using only her microwave from now on. And she was really interested in the walruses.'

'She reported you to the water board!'

'As she said she would,' said Nat proudly. 'Said she'd be sure to tell them how effective a Community Water Officer I was.'

'But you're not a Community Water Officer.'

'Mrs Filipowski seems to think so.'

'You mustn't do it any more,' said Vincent.

'I'm coming to think it's maybe the missing piece of the puzzle,' said Nat. 'All that stage acting – I never realised what other uses I could put my talents to. Maybe it's a kind of vocation. I've been doing some research, to find other scenarios that may need such a role. Maybe we could brainstorm some ideas together?'

'Someone from the water board was looking for you. You could be arrested if they catch you. For impersonating public officials.'

'Don't be silly. Ricky Gervais didn't get into trouble for being David Brent in The Office now, did he? Maybe the Sea Life Centre will want me. They ought to be into water conservation.'

'Please don't,' said Vincent. 'Also, I kind of need you to come round and tell Lana you're not really a Community Water Officer.'

'So your wife was convinced by me as well?'

'So she doesn't think we're having an affair.'

'Why on earth would she think we're having an affair?' laughed Nat.

*

Vincent called a family meeting for Friday evening.

'Though you don't have to be there, this time,' Vincent told Keavie.

'I thought family meetings were obligational,' Keavie held a pack of cards in his hand. He took the top card and inserted it into the pack.

'Obligatory.'

'So I do have to be there?'

'This one's not obligatory. Not for you, anyway.'

'Well what's it about? Do you think I can find your card?' Keavie tapped the top of the pack.

'I can't tell you what the meeting's about, Keavie, can I?'

Keavie sifted through the pack and pulled out the seven of diamonds. 'Is this it?'

'You haven't asked me to choose a card yet,' said Vincent.

'Urgh,' said Keavie.

'So you understand about the meeting?'

'Well this conversation hasn't exactly dampened my enthusiasm for attending,' said Keavie, and disappeared upstairs.

The doorbell rang.

'Hi!' Vincent said to Nat on the doorstep. She was dressed in the Community Water Officer's navy suit and skirt outfit.

'Why are you wearing that?' he asked quietly.

'I had an idea,' whispered Nat. 'If I carry on pretending I'm the Community Water Officer, well then you had a perfect reason to be meeting me in the pub.'

'But you're not a Community Water Officer.'

'Says who?'

'Please,' said Vincent. 'Just tell Lana the truth. That you knew Barney.'

'You can't handle the truth!' boomed Nat.

'We can hear you, by the way,' called Marnie from the kitchen.

'As it turns out,' said Nat, entering the kitchen and sitting next to Lana at the table, 'I'm not really a Community Water Officer.'

'So what made you do it?' said Keavie, from the doorway. 'Just for the bants?'

'I'm an actress,' said Nat.

'What have you been in?' said Keavie.

'Do you know The Embolism of God?'

'Who else was in it?'

'All I was trying to do,' said Vincent, 'was to impress upon Marnie the consequences of wasting water.' He looked at Lana.

Lana cupped her chin in her hand and stared, unembarrassed, at Nat's cleavage. 'So you met Vincent in the Freemasons Arms, then?' she asked.

'Was that where we met?' said Nat. 'I'm in too many pubs to know the difference.'

'The Freemasons, yes,' said Vincent. 'The one time we met.'

The doorbell rang again.

'Are we done here now?' said Marnie, standing in her seat.

'Wait one moment,' said Vincent.

'Is she here again? Right now?' said Peter at the front door, proffering his ID card. 'Mrs Filipowski called me to say she saw her arrive just a few minutes ago. I suggested Mrs Filipowski take my private number.' Peter nodded furiously. 'I've been parked around the corner since Tuesday.'

'There's no one here,' said Vincent loudly.

'It might be she's hiding around the back. In preparation for burgling you, now that she's cased the house.' Peter looked up to the roof, to one side then the other.

'She came on that, I saw her.' Mrs Filipowski slid casually over the low wall, as though this was something she did regularly. She pointed to the moped parked on the pavement in front of the house.

'That's Lana's moped,' said Vincent. 'My girlfriend,' he explained to Peter.

'If she's stealing mopeds,' said Peter, 'then this is pretty much a police matter already.'

'She didn't come on the moped,' said Vincent.

'I saw her standing next to it, at least,' said Mrs Filipowski. 'Who knows what she's done with it?'

'She caught the bus,' said Vincent.

'You've spoken to her, then?' said Peter. 'Wait! There she is.'

Peter pushed past Vincent into the hallway, and over to where Keavie held open the door to the cupboard under the stairs. As Nat tried to slip inside Peter caught hold of her arm.

'Let's wait right there,' said Peter.

'I think you should take your hand off me,' said Nat in a broad Scottish brogue.

'I'm going upstairs now,' said Marnie. 'I'm pretty sure I'm not needed here any more.'

'That's fine, sweetie,' said Vincent. 'And you, Keavie.'

'I'm staying. Don't you want to see how this pans out?' Keavie asked Marnie.

'I'm going for a shower,' said Marnie. 'I need to dye my hair, anyway.'

Marnie disappeared up the stairs.

'Did I not explain before that this woman is a fraud?' said Peter.

'They told me on the phone there's no such thing as a Community Water Officer,' cried Mrs Filipowski. 'I've cooked using only that microwave for the last four days. Have you ever eaten tofu cooked in a microwave? It's some kind of devilry!'

'All she did was inform us about water consumption,' said Vincent. 'I don't think there's any harm done.'

Cascading water sounded from the bathroom above them.

'I did make it clear that you and your family should ignore anything this woman has told you,' said Peter. 'She's an imposter who has no authority as far as water is concerned.'

'I'm nay imposter,' said Nat. 'I work freelance. For the Highlands Water Conservation Board. We offer free advice to anyone, anywhere.'

'Where are you from?' said Keavie.

'Highlands Water Conservation,' said Nat.

'I mean which country?' said Keavie.

'And why were you hiding in the cupboard?' said Peter.

'Self-preservation,' said Nat. 'I get the same problem all over the country. None of the local water companies like it. They feel threatened, or something. Present company excepted, of course.' She laid a hand on Peter's arm.

'Not threatened at all,' said Peter.

'Did you know,' said Nat, 'that If the entire world’s water were fit into a four litre jug, the fresh water available to us would equal only about one tablespoon?'

'That I did not know,' said Peter.

'And that the water from your tap could contain molecules that dinosaurs once drank?'

'Yeww,' said Keavie.

'You do seem to know a lot about water,' said Peter. 'I must apologise for grabbing your arm like that.'

'Apology accepted,' said Nat.

'Perhaps you'd like to discuss this further,' said Peter. 'I mean the whole water ecosystem is really quite fascinating.'

'Does this mean I use my microwave or not?' said Mrs Filipowski.

'I know a good pub just down the road.' Nat took Peter's arm and rotated him to the front door. She winked at Vincent as she passed.

'I must say, that's a pretty high volume of water usage from your daughter, there,' said Peter, looking back over his shoulder at Vincent.

'That's exactly what I've been trying to impress upon everyone here,' said Nat, as they disappeared arm-in-arm out through the door.

*

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash