Aria of Soap

"If only life were like TV!" I exclaimed as I picked-up the unusual
white china urn on the jumble sale table. "I mean if this were
'Antiques Roadshow' this would probably be worth something or maybe if
this were a drama with a strangely magical element it could make my
wishes come true and it would gradually turn into some sort of
nightmare before the viewers' collective eyes". Sarah who was with me,
could see that I was clearly bored. Had she guessed that in fact I was
only traipsing round junk shops, car boot sales and second-hand stores
to be with her?

In the two months we had known each other we had formed an interesting
relationship, that is to say when we were together we seemed to have
that certain spark. It had been platonic and I was happy to let it
carry on that way&;#8230; as long as we could have sex every so
often. So I guess we were getting near that point where I had to keep
going with unrequited feelings intact or blow the whole thing by
letting my lust get its way. But what was she feeling? It wasn't
obvious. It seemed I knew everything but her physical feelings for me,
which I feared were non-existent.

I put the urn down, still deep in thought and turned away to face a
perma-tanned middle aged man with a mullet hair cut and a pair of half
moon glasses perched on his nose. He was lecturing his three companions
who were all middle-aged women in matching white tee-shirts about the
bargains he had spotted in a camper-than-thou northern English accent.
"Cheap as chips loves - see this", he was holding a glass art-deco
ashtray, which was both dusty and cracked, "I got this little beauty
from the stall over there, not for thirty pounds, not twenty, but ten
pounds. Cheap as&;#8230;?"

"Chips" the three companions answered in unison.

"Now I would look for more, but I'm afraid time has caught up with us
this week. So until this time next week, bye-bye!"

"We'd better get back home" Sarah announced, breaking my observation of
the merry quartet. My mind was racing and I was suddenly aware that so
was my heart. Why was she saying this? We hadn't been there that long.
Was she just being nice having spotted my ennui? Had she had enough and
wanted to go? Or was she going to make a big announcement to the effect
that she'd guessed that I had carnal intentions and wanted us to stop
seeing so much of each other? Or was she taking me back to her flat to
seduce me?

We didn't talk much as we weaved our way through the city streets in
her car, it was a dark winter's early evening and the lights we passed
seem to hang and slowly smudge in my vision.

"Got a surprise for you" announced my companion pointing with her
non-steering hand, "if you reach into that bag behind you". I looked
around to find a brown paper bag in which was an object wrapped tightly
in white tissue paper. I unwrapped it - it was the urn I had picked-up
earlier. "You looked like you really liked it, I just felt I had to buy
it for you".

"Thanks." I'm not really an 'objet' person but I guess it had a certain
charm and it was thoughtful of Sarah to consider me.

A red car shot past, meandering erratically to shake off a pursuing
police car, which had full sirens blaring. The red car's baseball
capped driver smiled as he mounted the pavement, narrowly avoiding a
stunned bystander. "Look at these idiots!" I said shortly before they
and the police disappeared from view. "Nobody was hurt, but it could
have been much worse". I was suddenly aware that I had no idea why I
had said that.

We got back to Sarah's flat where I could see a collection of
ingredients on the kitchen surface. "Now John, your challenge tonight
is to prepare a meal with only these ingredients in half-an-hour"
announced Sarah.

After our meal we decided to visit Sarah's local pub. The landlord
Jeff, who I'd got to know and who'd got to know me over the previous
two months wasn't behind the bar - unusual for a Saturday night.

"Evening" I greeted the barman.

"Evening John" he replied. How did he know my name?

"Is Jeff not in tonight?"

"Are you trying to be funny John?"

"No - I just wondered where the gaffer was?"

"John, how could you when I&;#8230;" the barman looked like was
about to cry.

"Don't Jeff, not now, he's not worth it" announced Jack, a regular who
was sat at the bar. Alex another regular, who never spoke, shook his
head silently from his seat at the end of the bar.

"But this isn't Jeff!" I protested.

"Come on John, of course it's him. Don't play games." Jack was doing
the talking now.

"I'm not playing games. This guy might dress the same and call himself
Jeff but that's it. I'm off." I turned and left the pub. Sarah who was
stood behind me went to stop me but somebody grabbed her, remarking
"Don't worry he'll be back. He just needs a bit of time to
think."

Outside, a tune entered my head as a soundtrack to my steps. Through
terraced house windows I saw people 'makeover' their neighbours' living
rooms, whilst others added water features to their gardens. In the
street I saw a tall man in a black leather jacket walking an
immaculately groomed dog. Suddenly the dog bared its teeth and
proceeded to plunge its fangs into its owner. I walked on.

In no time at all I was back in the pub, enjoying a pint of whatever
the sponsor wanted me to drink. In the short time I had been outside I
had got quite used to the idea of the new Jeff and did not question his
identity. After all, wasn't it normal for someone to change? But then
Jeff told me that he had 'an announcement'.

"I don't know how you're going to take this John, but I'm your father,
and Sarah here is your sister".

"How long have you known this?" Sarah, my sister and I wanted
to&;#8230;

"I'm so sorry, I wish I could have been there to watch you grow up
but&;#8230;"

I was distracted by a commotion at the door. Armed police were rushing
into the pub, arresting everyone in sight. A couple, one male and a
red-headed female wearing long light brown coats snaked their way
through the melee as if they were looking for someone but weren't sure
where. It occurred to me that I needed to get out but how, I didn't
know. I scanned around and spotted Alex making his way towards me,
maybe he might know a way out.

He waved to the long coats and pointed at me, "Over here! He's the
one." Two things stunned me: his apparent treachery and the fact that
Alex was talking. He never did that! He continued, "It would appear
he's the centre of this latest television reality outbreak".

I was escorted out and was made to get into the back of an official
looking black car with darkened windows. The couple in the coats got in
the front and Alex escorted me into the back where he explained.

It seemed that he was in fact from Special Branch and that the coats in
front were on secondment from the FBI. It seemed that I had been the
centre of a "TVRE", or a television reality episode. The government was
quite happy for the perceived reality of television to pervade, after
all when everyone believes that the world is full of murder, terrorism,
super cops, broken relationships and when presentation takes precedence
over content in everything then it makes the population easier to
control. However there had been an increasing number of episodes where
'TV reality' was actually occurring, an environment of short attention,
disengagement, and good pets going bad. The various security agencies
were less happy about this because they didn't really understand it,
nor could they control it.

I was being taken away never to return. They had destroyed all traces
of my day including Sarah's flat and the pub, which had both been
cleared. What happened to Sarah and Jeff I dreaded to think.

The rain fell like ropes, the windscreen wipers of the car couldn't
keep up with the inch thick flow. Suddenly a pair of headlights came
out of the darkness towards us. Our car swerved to avoid it and hit a
tree before overturning into a ditch. I survived but everyone else was
killed. They hadn't counted on my TV reality still being active and
dangerous. I crawled out of the shattered window beside me. I knew this
was my opportunity - my legs hurt but I could walk. As I stumbled away
the car exploded in a ball of flame which lit up the falling columns of
rain.

I made it to an abandoned farm building where I stayed for a while to
get over my minor injuries which consisted off a stiff leg and a cut
lip. These injuries soon wore off, as did my TV reality, as far as I
know, - I've not watched it since. The authorities never found me but
I've kept moving, just in case, selling this and that to make ends
meet.

Anyway if you think your life needs spicing up, I've got this urn here,
it's yours for twenty quid.